OlgaAseeva
Hello. I really need help, I can handle it myself and I can’t decide something.
I am 32, my husband is 43, my husband is civil, we are not married, we have been living together for 10 months. I have 2 divorces and 2 children behind me, he also has 2 divorces and one child (son). We met on the Internet, agreed on similarities in a past life, experiences and the desire to build a strong and friendly family.
His last marriage broke up in July 2016, his wife and child left him and moved 800 km to another city. The reason for the divorce is his drinking and betrayal.
When we started talking to him, he was coded and did not drink, the relationship was good, he often said that he regretted the mistakes he had made and that he could not save his family and that his son was now growing away from him. Although he generally admitted that he would still not be able to live with this woman, she was young, stupid, hysterical, endured brains and did not have a drop of wisdom. This is from his words. That it was because of her that he began to drink.
A few months ago, he started to go away depressed and eventually snapped and started drinking again. For a long time I could not understand the cause of depression, because everything seems to be fine both in our relationship and with work. In general, I did not see any visible reasons for sadness. I am pregnant, now it is already 14 weeks, we were planning a child, he really wanted it.
Yesterday he again stopped talking to me for no reason, and went to drink in the garage. Came drunk and without saying a word fell asleep. I am a sinful thing, I decided to check his phone in order to understand what is happening all the same and why he goes into depression and drinks. And found. Correspondence with his ex-wife. He writes to her that he loves her and his son, and misses them madly and tries by hook or by crook to return her. The good news is that she is already living with another man, she is happy, everything is fine with her, and she is not going back. Not going yet. What if it does??? It turns out that he keeps me as a fallback, and if she wants to return, will he throw me out with his child and 2 of my children? By the way, I have absolutely nowhere to live, I have no relatives at all, the last grandmother died and bequeathed the apartment to her son, I have no one else.
I tried to talk, said that I had read everything and knew everything, asked what he wanted from life, he finally went into himself and no longer talks to me at all, he only drinks and sleeps.
Question: How can I help my husband stop loving his ex-wife? How to save a family in such conditions? How to behave in this situation?
The man is very dear to me and I really need him, he is a very good person, but he cannot cope with feelings for his ex-wife, I would like to save my family, but I don’t know what to do.
Hello, I am very sorry that you did not find happiness in this relationship.
What can I say, you personally cannot do anything with the feelings of another person. This is his personal story. He is a drinking man, and this is a special personality structure, he was not treated for addiction, but only coded, which means that he did not do internal psychological work to work out the causes of addiction. You are very aware of your relationship with this man, and I think that you are faced with a feeling of powerlessness to do anything. You write: "I have 2 divorces and 2 children behind me." we can already talk about some kind of trend. What is it about? Do you choose a special type of men, do you stay in a relationship with them in a certain way? Why did your first two marriages break up, how soon were the children born in the first two marriages after the start of the relationship?
OlgaAseeva
Hello. Yes, it’s a pity that I didn’t manage to build a strong and long-term relationship. My first marriage - I got married at 18, met at 16, got married because I got pregnant, gave birth at 19, after giving birth my husband changed a lot, began to walk (cheat), while he was very jealous of me and sometimes beat me periodically. Although I was at home with the child and did not go anywhere. Apparently the best defense is an attack. They divorced when my daughter was 3 years old. Then there was a civil marriage for 4 years with a man much older than me (19 years old), it was a very calm and trusting relationship, we never quarreled, but after 2 years of marriage he had serious problems with potency, he was treated for 2 years, nothing helped, for the last year just do not have sex. In the end, I met my second husband, I am his first love, we have known each other since the age of 14, from school, but he is 3 years younger than me and then he was absolutely not interesting to me. I was 25 when we met, the age difference was no longer evident. He was a romantic, a very affectionate and caring person, and gave me everything that I lacked all this time: care, love and affection and a sea of romance. We started living together, I left my common-law husband (now I understand that at one time he played the role of a father in my life, my mother raised me alone). After 8 months of marriage, I became pregnant and our son was born. Everything was fine and it was the happiest relationship in my life, but my husband began to often disappear from home and come not drunk, but somehow strange. Soon I found out that my friends were addicted to drugs (amphetamine), which eventually led him to prison for a period of 13.5 years a year later. I loved him very much and could not survive this break in any way, I wrote to him for 2 years, carried parcels, waited. Then at some point I realized that everything was burned out, I want a new family and new relationships, I want another child, and I’m not ready to wait another 11.5 years. Yes, and drug addicts, as they say, the former does not exist. This is how I met my real husband online.
There are no former drug addicts or alcoholics either. You write: "he is a very good person", he loves his wife and child, wants to be with them, but his wife, despite the fact that he is a good person, despite his love for her and the child, ran away from him for 800 km, because he drank and cheated. Why didn't it bother you? Besides the idea: "That it was because of her that he began to drink." says that a person does not take responsibility for his own behavior. "Like your previous men, this or that behavior is the choice of the person himself. You built a relationship with this man based on:" similarities in a past life, experience and the desire to build a strong and friendly family. "There is not even a question of loving feelings for each other. And you and he needed, first of all, a harbor where you could heal the wounds from loneliness and abandonment.
OlgaAseeva
You are probably right about the fact that we both needed to heal the wounds from past relationships. But in general, we have the same goals for the future, he does not drink all the time and not constantly, but in recent months he began to get depressed and break down. When sober, he is a great husband and father. It is difficult to talk about crazy love after experienced marriages, of course, at least for now. But I probably have more love for him than he has for me, since my past wounds have already healed and I was mentally ready for a new relationship. I am very comfortable with him, with him I see (saw) our future, but of course, on the condition that he does not drink. He is aware of the problem with alcohol, he ordered an anti-alcohol complex for himself via the Internet, but he just started drinking it, 5 days, and there you need at least 10 days, 10 breaks, and another 10 days, that is, a month in total. Realizes that the problem is in his head, but says he can't handle his thoughts. For some reason, he refuses the help of a psychologist (((. Does it make sense to maintain these relationships? Change yourself, it is possible to work on yourself, etc. Or it won’t change anything. nerves to solve his internal problems?
And another question: what should I do to stop attracting dependent men into my life?
Another such moment in my life: I have a drinking mother and at the age of 14 I left home and since then I have studied, worked and provided for myself. To say that I hate alcohol is an understatement. I drink very, very rarely. Maybe the problem stretches from childhood. And if so, how to solve it?
Today, divorce is a relatively common phenomenon, so more and more men are asking the question: “How to forget an ex-wife?” But still, women suffer more than men after a divorce - this is primarily due to their high suspiciousness. Although most often it is the ladies who are the initiators of the breakup, but at the same time, for some reason, only their spouses are considered guilty. Why is that?
Reasons for divorce
All material issues in the family immediately after its formation fall on the shoulders of a man. First, he must find housing for living together, then run the household in the house (meaning not cooking / cleaning / washing / ironing, but purely male duties: fix a broken chair, say, maintain the correct functioning of communications, etc.), buy furniture, food, small utensils. When children appear, the head of the family, of course, must provide for them too, every year a woman requires more attention and funds, all this complicates the situation in the house. Many men, unable to cope with problems, seek salvation in alcohol, some even in drugs, others in other women, and all this inevitably leads to divorce and the destruction of the family. Even if love has not gone away, the marriage can still be terminated. And immediately after the divorce, a new wave of problems begins, one of which is the wife you love.
A woman can find a reason in everything if she wants to get a divorce. For example, there are cases when a marriage was terminated because of a car, a beloved pet, and even a broken mug. The most common causes are, of course, treason, drunkenness, assault. Many wives leave their spouses due to lack of work or because of dissatisfaction with their sex life.
Is it possible to forget an ex-wife
Forgetting your wife is much harder than forgetting your girlfriend. This is due to many factors - you can have joint children, friends, acquaintances, property ... All this strongly binds people to each other, and most importantly, it obliges them to constantly cooperate in the sphere of life. Do they forget at all? Of course, this will not be easy, it is more likely to destroy feelings for her than just forget about her existence. The easiest way to forget your ex is to re-educate yourself and change your lifestyle.
What needs to be changed in life
Life should be changed in all its spheres. For example, like this:
- To find another woman - a new beloved will distract you from sad thoughts, and most importantly - will provide sexual intercourse, and you will not be drawn to the former.
- Finding a hobby, new hobbies - this will provide you with thoughts in a completely different direction, it will significantly distract you.
- Have fun with friends - go on weekends to places where you have not been before since you were married, relax with your comrades the way you wanted to relax when you were married.
- Work more - take on overtime work, then you can not only earn good money, but also distract from bad thoughts.
- Take a trip to a resort or another city where you can amuse yourself by meeting old or new acquaintances.
The best way to avoid depression is to spend the time that you can spend in agony on beneficial things: work, hobbies, leisure.
Dealing with thoughts of an ex-wife
There are many techniques for improving brain memory, and there are also ways to forget your ex-wife. Imagine that thoughts about the former are dirt that needs to be washed off, because it stains you not only in your eyes, but also in the eyes of your friends, acquaintances, loved ones. After all, you constantly talk about your thoughts, and in a conversation, mentioning the former, you hardly do it in a pleasant tone, rather, in a negative one. In addition, think not only about yourself, but also about those around you: none of your loved ones wants to see you depressed, and constant stories about your ex-spouse are one of the indicators of your bad mood. In order to manage to cross out thoughts about your ex-wife, you need to reduce their intensity, frequency, and then completely stop.
Frequency
There is such a thing as a vicious circle of thoughts - the harder you try not to think about something, the more often you are visited by memories of it. Try to relax and not think about anything at all, let your brain choose the circle of images. Trust your head to reduce the frequency of thoughts about your ex in a natural way. It should also be understood that all objects around cause certain associations. Therefore, before forgetting your ex-wife, you should remove all objects from your environment that remind you of her.
Stop negative thinking
And finally, after reducing the intensity and frequency of thinking, you can completely stop unpleasant thoughts. This is most easily done by diverting your attention to something else. For example, find yourself an interesting hobby and devote your free time to it.
To break out of the negativity in which you dwell, thinking about your ex-wife, you need to exclude everything connected with her from your environment. Do not communicate with her friends and relatives, try not to meet her on the way home and to work, if she works with you in the same place, change jobs. In addition, you should remove from your home all items that remind you of her, including gifts, dishes, clothes, and even furniture. Delete all photos on your phone and computer, correspondence, contacts. The main thing is to understand that any object that suggests thoughts about your ex-wife must be removed from your life, otherwise you will not be able to stop negative thoughts.
Children from ex-wife
If you and your ex-wife have children together, it will be difficult to break all possible ties with her. It would be foolish to deprive children of joyful meetings with their father just because your ex brings you unpleasant thoughts. Let's figure out how to forget a wife if there is a child from her, and not lose touch with him.
The main thing is to avoid meetings with the ex-wife. How to forget your ex-wife if you have a child? First, you need to realize that meetings with the ex should be short: you should spend time with the children, not with her. Here are some tips that might help you:
- Try to arrange meetings with children alone, without the participation of the former, you can take them to the zoo or to the skating rink, and not allow your spouse to spend time with you in the park or at her house.
- Invite the kids over for a sleepover so you can spend more time with them without your ex.
- Come to birthdays with gifts, give them, but try not to stay in the old family circle for a long time. Children will not be upset if they have fun without you on their birthday.
- On days when you have scheduled meetings with children, try to pick them up from school or kindergarten with the permission of the former, so you will avoid extra minutes with her.
- If you want to avoid contact with your ex-wife when meeting your children, try to wait for them in the car, and not go into the house.
If you follow these simple tips, then you will be able to cross out thoughts about the ex and at the same time not ruin the relationship with your children.
How to help a loved one forget his wife
Women often face the question of how to help a man forget his ex-wife. Agree, if a person is divorced, this does not mean at all that he is not ready for a new marriage. But at the same time, thoughts about the former can affect relationships. At the same time, women rarely allow themselves to tell their chosen ones about their past experiences, unlike men. In any case, the best cure for unpleasant thoughts is your attention. The main thing is to be prepared for the fact that a man will compare you with his ex-wife - there is nothing wrong with that, you need to endure it.
If your man does not know how to quickly forget his ex-wife, and at the same time tries to do everything for this, you can go to a family psychologist - he should help with advice and training.
Ex-wife gets into your relationship
There are also situations when his ex-wife gets into your relationship with a man - she constantly calls him, writes SMS and posts on social networks. You should not swear with your loved one about this: he, most likely, will simply hide communication with her from you. It is better to talk to his ex-wife to resolve this issue.
It happens that the "rival" not only communicates with a man, but also invites him to visit her, demands money and help. In this case, just ask for more attention so that your man does not have time for her, but the main thing here is not to overdo it, so that in the end he does not choose her between you and her.
In any case, every man can cope with thoughts about his ex-wife, he just needs to remember the negative consequences that they lead to. If a person himself wants to get rid of thoughts, he will live a happy and fulfilling life, when all memories of marriage will remain only in the past. The main thing is not to seek solace in alcohol and drugs, because this will only lead to bad things.
Husband or just going to do it ... Who is to blame? What can and, most importantly, what should be done? Koshechka.ru will tell you about this in a series of articles on the former and current. Let's look at this triangle from different angles.
This article focuses on two issues:
- when he only thinks about returning,
- when he has already left - and how to deal with it.
Why does he want to go back to his ex-wife?
Let's be direct - apparently, you have come across not the best representative of the strong half of humanity, if he frankly tells you that he is thinking about returning to his past family.
Firstly, this means that the person himself does not know what he wants.
Secondly, he does not respect himself, because there is no other way to explain why he first did not recognize his first choice, and now his second.
Thirdly, a person is fickle, behind him you will not feel like behind a stone wall.
The reasons for his desire to return can be very different. For example, if he has children from a previous marriage, or mutual acquaintances constantly push them together, which makes it impossible to “break this umbilical cord” ..
Another seemingly weighty reason for many women is this: "My husband loves his ex-wife." Of course, those who are on your side can throw mud at him and say that he is a traitor, that he does not know the feeling of love at all. But this feeling is so individual, it cannot be “felt” and measured. And sometimes, to understand what you love, you need to be at a distance. Sometimes and compare, no matter how unpleasant it may sound. However, sometimes you, as a new wife, can yourself push him to this conclusion. There will be another article in which we will consider these two “parallels” in more detail: the new one and – I don’t want to say the old one – the former one.
The man returned to his ex-wife
So, he thought, or, without even saying a word to you, he simply went to her, that former one. Even if you just met with him and it didn’t get to the wedding, you must admit, it’s not very pleasant. That is, you were worse than the other.
Stop! Look at it differently. You are not suitable for this particular man, he is not the one you need. Clearly, self-esteem is hurt. But take things easy. Do not consider yourself the center of the universe - and you will become the center of attraction for the only one you have yet to meet.
Another situation - the husband returned to his ex-wife. It's officially yours. With whom you passed under the march of Mendelssohn. Who your parents call "son." Maybe this is an exaggeration, but the situation is extremely unpleasant. Especially if you wanted to get married once and for all.
There is no need to say here what one had to think before. Still, not all divorced men return to the former. And not everyone who is married for the first time is so bad. Sometimes you don't know.
Husband returned to ex-wife? Think - do you need a person to whom your marriage has ceased to be important?
Let's say he left, but you haven't divorced him yet. Or he does not even require a divorce, but simply went there to “live”. Give him an ultimatum - divorce or return. Of course, if the latter you need after the betrayal. Yes, it's a big word, but that's the way it is.
That's when exactly the beloved went to his ex-wife ... The one whom you loved with all your heart. Without which it's hard to breathe ... Yes, it's difficult mentally, yes, everything falls out of hand. But crying and begging for his return is the very last thing you should do. Not even that: something that absolutely cannot be done. So you will fall very low in his eyes, because how can you be with someone who does not respect herself.
Very important carry out "work on the mistakes" and understand the causes. Perhaps you "strangled" him with your love. “Washed down” - everything is from her, from great love. Remember: a man, even with a stamp in his passport, still considers himself free. And you need to cunningly give him the appearance of this freedom. Perhaps she gave him such freedom. And it was also her mistake: he left her in the end. But after all, he returned ... Draw conclusions, in general.
Of course, you shouldn't engage in such self-discipline right away. Need definitely love yourself. If you think you love, then love even more. Do not spare money for your hobbies, for self-care. Become irresistible - and you will meet a man even better. And that's just to avoid similar mistakes, and you need to sensibly assess the reasons why the beloved returned to his ex-wife.
By the way, here's another situation. You're not here already. Well, except for the banal: “I didn’t see it.” You got, let's call him that, "man-pendulum." Who left one wife, found another, returned to the former, then again. This one does not even deserve a separate article - a paragraph is enough for him. You just need to feel sorry for him and not accept, no matter what. Even if there are common children ... What kind of upbringing can he give? Difficult financially? Then it's your business. If you live with him only because of money, alas, you won’t have to expect great happiness from life.
In the next article, read what tricks women can resort to just to get him back. We will also discuss how difficult it is to live with a person without reciprocity, for example, when man loves ex wife.
Eva Raduga - especially for Koshechka.ru - a site for those in love ... with themselves!
Discussion: 5 comments
Hello. I want to tell my story. My husband got a new job in the office. And there he fell in love with his colleague. Not only is he with her at work, but also corporate parties, where there are only employees, then going out into nature and again only employees. My classmate works in the same office, and she helped her husband get a job with them. She told me that my husband began to cheat on me so that I could take action. When the husband is at home, he constantly calls somewhere. I say: “Where do you call all the time?”, He answers that at work or his friend. And a friend met us in the city and tells her husband that you should call at least sometimes, do not disappear. I realized that urgent action needed to be taken and I turned to the magician, read about it on the Internet. She helped me quickly, the relationship between her husband and mistress ended in a couple of weeks. Moreover, my husband confessed his love to me, and after the work of the magician he cherishes and cherishes me, blows off dust particles. So women, if your husband walks to the left, do not waste time, but turn to the magician for help. This is her email [email protected]
I have been dating a man for almost a year, we have been living together for five months. He thinks about children, it seems that the wedding is nearing, and in general our relationship is ideal. But one "but" poisons my life.
I feel that he still loves his ex-wife. They have been divorced for five years (divorced because of his infidelity) and I am sure that there is nothing between them and cannot be - that woman remarried a long time ago and gave birth to a son in a new marriage. They don't even communicate. But my beloved sometimes, as it were, remembers her casually - for example, when he finds some old thing that reminds him of life with his ex. He speaks of her with warmth, although he does not really like to stir up his past.
Recently, we were just chatting and he said that he does not understand those who step on the same rake twice, that is, they resume a relationship that has already been interrupted. “And if the woman herself left you, and then wished to return?” I asked. To which, as if in passing, he said that he would resume relations only with his ex-wife, but she was already married.
That's bad luck! It hurt me so much to hear it. I try to console myself with the fact that he meant that he would have returned to his ex if he had not met me, but something does not help much.
Since then, I've been in a lot of pain. I constantly think about his ex-wife. I understand that everyone has his past and seven years of marriage, he is unable to erase from life even if he wants to. I sincerely respect his ex-wife and I’m not going to try to somehow surpass her, but he’s with me now, he says that he loves and wants to live together all his life! It just doesn't fit in my head...
So disgusting! I would like to ask him directly about his attitude towards his ex-wife, but it is very scary. I'm afraid to remind him how much he loved that woman. Suddenly, compared to that love, his feeling for me and love can not be called? I'm afraid because I know that he will honestly tell me if this is so. And then it is unlikely that everything will be the same as before. But, on the other hand, I understand that nothing terrible happened.
Perhaps, from this vile desire to clarify, I suffer. I really want to be sure that he loves me. I want to be the only woman he thinks about, and to know for sure that he does not dream of seeing another next to him. But you will probably have to come to terms with the fact that you will always have to feel only the second.
Thanks to everyone who read. What do you think, is it worth talking with your loved one about his ex-wife and asking him to explain the phrase thrown then, which upset me so much? I understand that this is stupid, but I just want to know what the man I love really feels for me ...
Entering into a new relationship with a man is always full of uncertainty, especially if he still loves his ex-wife. This situation can happen to anyone, in any relationship, no matter how long the relationship lasts. A person is so constituted that it can be difficult for him to heal from a past love that has had such a profound impact on his life. Sometimes, if a husband loves his ex-wife, it has a destructive effect on the current relationship. Moreover, a woman who is next to a man cannot understand what is the reason for their constant conflicts, because he will never admit his feelings for another, albeit a former one.
How to understand that a man still has feelings for his ex-wife
Here are 10 signs that your husband still loves his ex-wife:
- He still communicates with her. And it's not that they have children in common. This is not just communication, but friendly communication. It can be both telephone conversations and messages. If a husband refuses to limit communication with his ex-wife because they are supposedly "just friends," then it may be time for you to wake up and think that the person who really loves you will not make you uncomfortable and hurt.
- He recalls the moments of their life together. One of the most troubling signs is hearing your husband reminisce about sweet moments or events he had in his past with his ex-wife. If he ever starts a conversation with the phrase "I remember the moment", then this should make you feel uncomfortable. There is no excuse why the memories of his ex should haunt your husband. This period in his life is long gone and should be replaced by creating new memorable moments with you. Maybe he just wants to reclaim his life with his ex-wife.
- He keeps gifts from his ex. If your husband's wardrobe is littered with an old T-shirt donated by an ex-lover, and he stubbornly refuses to throw it away, this is cause for alarm. Most likely, this is a reminder that she still means a lot to him. Anything that triggers an emotional response in him should be taken as an important warning sign.
- He follows the life of his ex-wife on social networks. If your husband often sits on social networks, subscribes to his ex-wife's updates, views her photos, likes or leaves comments, this indicates that interest in this woman has not been lost.
- He constantly casts a shadow on his ex-wife. If there is no communication between them, then the warning sign should be that the husband speaks badly of her. By such behavior, he seems to take revenge on this woman for the impossibility of being together.
- He doesn't want anyone else to date her. Perhaps his ex recently started dating another man, and since then your husband has been in the most terrible mood. He is, without a doubt, jealous, and jealousy is the number one sign to have feelings. He openly criticizes her new chosen one. If he loved you and was committed to a real relationship, then he would be casual about his ex-wife's new lover.
- He compares you to her. The worst thing a man could do was compare his current wife to his ex-wife. This is the most obvious sign that a man is still in love with her. Telling that she was more attractive and slimmer than you, cooked more deliciously and managed the household, her husband openly admires her. He wants you to have similar traits. If he makes you feel like you're constantly in competition with his ex-wife, then why put up with it? It will be an eternal battle for supremacy in the eyes of a man, a struggle in which you are unlikely to win.
- He often mentions her in conversations. These can be not only memories of their personal lives, but also simple mentions that they went somewhere, did something, saw someone. At first glance, there is nothing offensive in this, but when the name of an ex-spouse is heard often in your house, this should arouse suspicion.
- He says her name during sex. Probably, there is nothing offensive than, during a hot and passionate embrace, to hear from the lips of a loved one the name of a strange woman. This is the most obvious sign that a man still loves her, even if he tries to forget. If you have a sense of your own
- He's cheating on you with his ex-wife. It also happens that ex-wives turn into mistresses. In this case, the danger lies in the fact that the woman knows your husband very well, knows his habits and weaknesses. And she can use this against you, his current legal wife.
What to do if a husband loves his ex-wife
There should be no reason for a husband to talk about his ex often. Isolated cases do not count, because she was part of his life. A beloved man should never make you feel that he would rather be with her than with you. He should develop your present relationship, and not get stuck in the past. If a man is free from his past, his priorities will be a real family and family happiness. You need to understand that for a number of reasons your husband can communicate with his ex-wife, for example, about the education and upbringing of children. This is natural, as long as the boundaries of what is permitted are not touched.
Women should remember that what they endure is up to them. Never let anyone have that kind of power over you, neither your husband nor his ex-wife. If you notice at least a couple of the above signs, your dignity is at stake. Don't wait to be publicly humiliated by two people who, trust me, don't care about you at all. And in your real family there is no love.
Love should never make you feel inferior. No need to waste time on such a relationship, because there is an opportunity to find a worthy person.
To prevent situations like this from happening, follow the advice: never date a person who ended the relationship no earlier than three months ago. Generally, you can just be used as a consolation and end up running into the scenarios mentioned above. Try to be absolutely sure that the problems that both of you will face will always be connected only with you and with him. Relationships can always be difficult, but they should not have a third person, especially an ex-wife.