Do you know the feeling of being manipulated or pressured all the time? Surely familiar. We can experience this feeling in the family, in communication with friends, at work. This is often used by sales managers, offering us to buy something, and now you are the owner of another little thing you don’t need.

What are personal boundaries of a person and how to build them correctly, let's try to figure it out.

What are personal boundaries and why a person needs them

personal boundaries- this is a conditional concept, which denotes a certain line between the attitude of an individual and the attitudes and intentions of the people around her. Someone builds five-meter stone fences with caretakers on the towers, while someone does not have these borders at all.

We need these boundaries in order to be able to clearly understand where is “I” and where are “strangers”; where are “my” emotions and actions, and where are “not mine”.

How many people do you know who protect their inner world from outsiders invading it? Are you one yourself?

• Think, are you always doing what you want or are you trying to please someone?!
• Do you make your own decisions in certain situations that concern you, or do you rely on the opinions of outsiders?
• In general, how often do you say: "YES", while feeling the desire to refuse?
• If you have friends who use you as a "sink" and they do not care if you are interested in their information?

If all of the above is normal and mundane in your life, then it is definitely a gross violation of personal boundaries.

What do you pay for the lack of personal boundaries? First of all, your peace of mind. A person experiences constant discomfort, the mood deteriorates and there is a feeling that all the forces have left you.

First of all, a huge amount of energy is spent on maintaining relationships with others. You allow yourself to be manipulated, and you do not like it, but you are silent. For example, you work for someone. It is unlikely that you will experience love and satisfaction, sooner you will realize that you are being used.

Some believe that this only happens to those who have a bad environment. Allegedly a good friend will not use for personal purposes. This is a deep delusion. Your personal boundary is only your task, and you need to learn how to build it. Otherwise, people will sit on your neck.

Types of personality boundaries

There are several types of personal boundaries:

1. physical border. This is the most tangible border, that is, the so-called "feature" is the skin. If, for example, you are pushed or hit, you will immediately feel that your boundary has been violated, you will feel pain and discomfort.

1. emotional border. If in a conversation with you you are insulted or humiliated, then here it is worth talking about a violation of emotional boundaries. Even if they don’t humiliate you, but in front of you they speak unflatteringly about another person, this is also a violation of your boundaries. Have you ever been asked the question: why don't you have children?», « why are you not married yet?” What did you experience? Certainly discomfort. That's right, because no one has the right to flatter your privacy. This is an emotional boundary violation.

By the way, in some countries, during the interview, it is forbidden for candidates to ask personal questions, so as not to violate their personal boundaries.

1. The boundaries of personal space and the right to property. Each of us, to one degree or another, needs personal space. Someone loves solitude, and for this he needs a private room or a corner where outsiders are not allowed to enter. For example, a friend came to you and asks you to shelter him for a couple of days, allegedly he has difficulties with housing, but he will soon solve this problem. Of course, if you are a good friend, you will let him in and let him live for a couple of days. But what if a friend is overstayed and is in no hurry to look for another place to live? Of course, he grossly violates your personal space. You cannot take a deep breath and be alone. Or another example: at work, someone used your personal dishes, and you didn’t like it. Having expressed your dissatisfaction, most likely in response you will receive a negative. You may be called an offensive word, but for what? They violated your right to property.
2. time border. Punctuality is very good quality person. A punctual person will never violate another person's time limits. Agree, an unpleasant situation: you agreed with a friend about a meeting, and he is very late. And you are wasting your precious time, which could be spent on something useful.

Signs of Weak Personal Boundaries

You have weak or violated personal boundaries if you:

Did you recognize yourself? Then go ahead, to a new "I", where your interests will be above all!

Why do we allow our personal boundaries to be violated?

A person is not born with already formed personal boundaries, he forms them independently all his life. Nevertheless, the process itself is laid in childhood. Most parents in the process of upbringing do not allow the child to feel like a separate person, they set their own boundaries of thoughts and actions for him. Of course, they thereby protect their children from troubles and misfortunes, but at the same time they do not allow them to live their own lives. This is the main reason for the violation of personal boundaries in adulthood.

Growing up, we no longer fulfill unquestioningly everything that our parents say, but in order not to offend them, many people spit on their own thoughts and desires. Surely, many of us feel a sense of duty to our parents for raising and educating us. Parents do not wish us harm, but in doing so they destroy our personal boundaries. Or are you such a parent yourself?

Of course, when we do everything to make our relatives feel good, this is understandable, but what makes us allow "strangers" to step over this line? It's probably the fear of being alone.

We are afraid that by refusing a person, we will lose his love or make him angry.

Who most often violates the personal boundaries of a person?

There are three types of people who can violate our personal boundaries:

• First type- These are people who know what everyone's personal boundaries are, respect them, but under certain circumstances, for example, during stress or conflict, they reluctantly destroy them.
• Second type These are just uneducated people. They are not evil, they just do not know what personal boundaries are, their parents did not teach them this.
• Third type They are true manipulators. They know what and how to do. How to achieve your goal while causing pain or inconvenience to another. For them, this is the easiest way to achieve the goal. This is probably why there are so many manipulations in our lives.

How to define personal boundaries?

Before you start building personal boundaries (in case you didn't have them before) you need to define them. We offer you two methods:

1. Method of individual rules.

Sit down and write down your personal rules on a piece of paper, what you like to do, what makes you happy and comfortable.

For example, the list might look like this:

• Working hours 9-18 hours and no more.
• I don't do someone else's work, even if I'm asked to do so. The same goes for homework children.
• After work, every day I spend time with my family, and no one has the right to disturb me.
• On Saturday I deal with personal matters (sections, circles, courses, etc.), I do not answer calls for work.
• On Sunday I have a rest (with family, friends or with a loved one). I don't use social networks.
• I do not go to visit without warning and do not allow guests to enter who had the audacity to come to me without warning.
• I don't give advice unless asked for it.
• I only talk about topics that interest me.
• I do not answer calls after 22 pm and do not call myself.
• If I do not have free time for a telephone conversation, I will tell the caller about it.
• If I don’t want to do something, I will say “NO” to the one asking, even if he does not understand my refusal and will be offended.

This list can be supplemented or adjusted based on your "personal" rules and preferences.

1. Reverse method.

Using this method, there is no need to make lists, everything is quite simple: If you don’t like something or cause discomfort, you tell yourself: “Stop! Enough! No one else will take advantage of me."

3 ways to protect personal boundaries

If there is an encroachment on your personal territory, then you need to set up “guards” and protect personal boundaries. We offer you a three-step algorithm:

1. First of all, you need to feel that your boundaries are being violated.. For example, you are going to go to a beauty salon on your day off, but then your boss calls and asks you to come to work. You need to understand what you are experiencing. If you have good mood and you are happy to work, instead of going to a beauty salon, then there are no questions here. What if you experience a storm of negative emotions? Put yourself first. Go first to the beauty salon, and only then go to help the boss.
2. There is such a rule: "Learn to respect the boundaries of strangers, no one will covet yours." To protect your own boundaries, you need to respect others. Think, do you violate the personal boundaries of strangers? What do you experience?
3. Listen to your feelings that you experience when your boundaries are violated or when you violate someone else's boundaries, which is guiding you at that moment, and try to get rid of these feelings.

• Guilt . We are afraid that if we refuse someone, they will be offended by us.
• Sense of responsibility . If I was asked, I must definitely complete the task perfectly, even to the detriment of myself.

By letting go of those feelings, you can easily set your own personal boundaries.

How to set personal boundaries?

Finally, in this article, we come to perhaps the most important paragraph - the skills of setting personal boundaries. As we said, building personal boundaries is a lifelong process. If you met a new person, you need to “set up border guards” again, based on the characteristics of your communication. And in order to achieve the result, it is recommended to fulfill the following conditions:

1. Need first! A person who allows himself to be manipulated by others has low self-esteem. You need to understand that you are an individual and have the same rights as others.

2. You must know what you want! A person who does not know what he wants is very easy to manipulate and impose his opinion. Therefore, it is important to determine your desires and goals. Give yourself permission to do what you love, no matter what others think about it.

You must define your duties and rights! Boundaries cannot be drawn without clearly defined rights and obligations.

3. Learn to say "NO"! If you are asked for something, and it is not part of your responsibilities, you can choose to agree or refuse, but you should not feel guilty.

Advice! Phrases to help you say NO: “I’m busy right now,” “I need to think,” “I can’t answer this question right away,” “I’m not ready to discuss this.”

4. We must fight back! If someone nevertheless violated your personal boundaries, you cannot be silent, you need to fight back and stand up for yourself. For example, you can refuse advice or ask not to ask personal questions.

5. Stop blaming everyone around! The culprit of all your failures is you, and only YOU! No need to blame the parents who once banned you from dancing or boxing. Is there anything holding you back now?

• Stop communicating with those who "suck your blood"! Why communicate with people who say nasty things, why work where you are not appreciated, why do you need such a “best” friend who is ready to discuss only her problems, and she doesn’t give a damn about yours.
• Accept others for who they are! If you want your NO to be respected, then respect the NO of others.

How to withstand pressure from loved ones?

If a “stranger” person has violated your personal boundaries, you can tell him about it or stop communicating with him at all, but what to do if your personal boundaries have been violated by your close and beloved person, for example, mother, brother, sister, grandmother. All mothers love their children, and often climb into their lives, give advice, instructions, ask personal questions that you do not want to answer. Why won't you stop talking to your mom? So how can you withstand this pressure?

• for example , if mom gives advice that you don’t really need, then you can simply answer like this: “Mommy, I love you very much, but let me decide this issue on my own.” The main thing is that your words should not contain negativity and irritation.
• Or so : you have a best friend whom you love and cherish, but you are tired of listening to her endless complaints, invite her to talk only on pleasant topics.

Very often, women become victims of manipulation by their husbands and children. You came home from work very tired, and decided to take a break and take some time for yourself, but your children have other plans, they want to go for a walk or play with you: “Mom, you don’t give me time, so you don’t love me.” Explain to the child in a calm tone that you are very tired and you only need half an hour or an hour to rest and recover, after which you can fulfill any desire of your child.

How to learn to say "NO"?

Perhaps the main rule in building personal boundaries is the ability to firmly and decisively say “no” without regretting what was said.

But alas, not many people can. How to learn to say "NO" while maintaining a relationship? Here are five simple steps in the right refusal technique:

1. Show your feelings. If a person asks you for something, you can show your dissatisfaction with this request, thereby setting the stage for a soft refusal.
2. Say no. Explain why you refuse, but only a multiple, based on your feelings. No need to invent anything, otherwise it will look like an excuse.
3. Do not leave a person in a hopeless situation. Suggest a solution to the problem.
4. Perhaps the person will not stop there, and will try to persuade you. Calmly and silently listen to everything he has to say.
5. If your decision has not changed, then repeat everything that you said before, taking into account the words of the person.

A popular video in Runet on how to learn to say "no". Why people who are not ready to change their boundaries are lonely.

personal boundaries in relationships

A very common reason for breaking up relationships is violation of personal boundaries. Let's try to explain with a simple example:

“The girl Olga is dating the guy Oleg. She likes that they spend almost all of their time together. free time. After a long period of time, Olga began to notice that she was no longer dating her friends as before, she abandoned acting school. Her boyfriend Oleg just doesn't like that Olga is dating her friends without him, and, in his opinion, Olga doesn't need acting school. At first, Olga really liked that her lover was jealous of her friends and just wanted to spend more time with her, but over time it became terribly annoying and aggravated relations in a couple.

As can be seen from the situation, Olga completely switched to the desires of her beloved, and stopped focusing on her “I want”. How long will such a relationship last, do they have a future? It is unlikely, unless, of course, a compromise is found in the pair. That's why in family relationships it is important to keep a distance and try not to violate personal boundaries in a relationship with your partner.

Let's look at another example - domestic violence. It's sad, but according to statistics in Russia, up to 40% of serious crimes are committed in the family, and every year 14,000 women die at the hands of their husbands. Domestic violence is a topical issue today, it is a direct violation of physical personal boundaries. Therefore, every woman should have strong and wide personal boundaries. Let's try to explain it in a simpler way: If it is acceptable for a woman to be hit, then she has weak and narrow personal boundaries, therefore, a man will be able to hit her. A woman with clear and wide boundaries will not only not allow herself to be hit, but will also stop the conversation at the moment of irritation in her voice.

It is important to expand your boundaries to acceptable behavior for you.

For example, during a quarrel, a man begins to raise his voice, and no matter what he says, he talks to you in raised tones. The woman at this moment should stop him and ask why he is talking to her like that. Almost always, a man automatically switches to a calmer tone.

It is very important to catch the "violator" the first time, if you forgive what they shout at you, do not be surprised if it comes to a blow. Yes, and it is not necessary during a quarrel to set your boundaries on the same raised tones. Just explain to your partner calmly that this is not the way to talk to you. If the situation repeats, just walk away from the situation, why repeat your conditions twice.

Here are a few things to keep in mind when building relationships:

1. Build your personal boundaries early in the relationship.
2. Remember that only we ourselves teach people how to treat us.
3. Your psychological health depends on how wide and strong your boundaries are.
4. In addition, you must respect not only your own interests, but also the interests of your partner.

Very often, setting personal boundaries goes hand in hand with selfishness, that is, many people confuse these two concepts. But there is a fine line between selfishness and a way to protect yourself. Setting personal boundaries, simply put, is what you personally want. And selfishness is what you are sure that everyone else should do as YOU want! Therefore, these two concepts are completely different.

How to learn to protect your personal boundaries.

Many people, for various reasons, do not know how to build healthy psychological boundaries in relationships. They either merge with a partner or set up rigid barriers that prevent them from achieving true intimacy. Let's look at the main motives that drive you when you build unhealthy boundaries.

3 types of psychological boundaries of personality.

Psychologists who study the problems of establishing psychological boundaries identify 3 (three) main types of barriers (boundaries) between individuals in relationships.

3 types of psychological boundaries.

Blurred psychological boundaries in relationships.

Blurred or fuzzy psychological boundaries between personalities arise when each individual entering into a relationship has unformed personality boundaries.

Relationships of this kind in psychology are called unhealthy fusion or codependency.

There is only one example healthy relationships with blurred psychological boundaries - this is a fusion of the first kind between an infant (up to 2-3 years old) and his mother.

Examples of unhealthy blurry borders:

• when a mother talks about her 20-year-old son: “We went to the army”, “We got sick”.

• "Relationships", Savior and Victim.

• The relationship between husband and wife, when, for example, the wishes of the husband are perceived by the wife as her own. Think of Julia Roberts in Runaway Bride.

• The inability to say "yes" or "no" in communications between people.

Impenetrable psychological boundaries in relationships.

If in the case of blurred boundaries it is not clear “where am I and my desires, and where are you and yours”, then impenetrable psychological barriers, on the contrary, are so impenetrable that individuals simply cannot communicate normally with each other.

A person with impenetrable psychological boundaries became so overlaid with barriers that he became like a cold and impregnable fortress, surrounded by ditches and spikes in stone walls.

Such a person is closed, does not share feelings and desires openly. Rejects closeness and intimacy in relationships. It is impossible to communicate normally with such a person, there is a feeling that you are communicating with a wall.

Healthy psychological boundaries in relationships.

Rarely seen. Since most of us grew up in co-dependent families, we copy patterns of setting unhealthy psychological barriers.

Explains and demonstrates well healthy mental relationships with healthy boundaries "The Gestalt Prayer":

"I am me. And YOU are you.

I do my thing and YOU do your thing.

I did not come into this World to meet your expectations and ideas about me. YOU did not come into this world to meet my expectations.

And if we MET - it's great. If not, then it can't be helped.

F. Perls 1951«

Thus, individuals with healthy psychological boundaries have and are aware of the boundary between "I" and "YOU", which allows you to establish relationships based on love, intimacy and intimacy.

They value and respect their own boundaries and the boundaries of their relationship partner.

Motivations that hinder the establishment of healthy boundaries in relationships.

Let's take a closer look at all those false motives that prevent us from establishing healthy psychological boundaries in a relationship.

Fear of losing love or being rejected.

Under the influence of such fear, people say “yes”, and then internally resent it. This is the predominant motif of the "martyrs". They give in order to receive love and respect in return, and if they do not receive them, they feel miserable.

Fear of anger from others.

Because of old wounds and barriers not repaired, some people can't bear to have someone on top of them. It is easier for them to make concessions than to withstand the loud voice of the interlocutor or someone's "arrival".

Fear of loneliness.

Some people give in to others because it seems to them that in this way they will be able to "win" love and put an end to their loneliness.

Fear of breaking the established idea of ​​love.

The assumption that if they refuse, the other person may experience a sense of loss.

It often happens that people who have not properly dealt with their own losses and disappointments give in because of excessive empathy. Every time they have to refuse another person, they feel his sadness. And moreover, they feel it to such an extent that that person did not even dream of. They are afraid of hurting, and therefore it is easier for them to agree.

CONCLUSION: To establish healthy psychological boundaries, you need to learn that first FREEDOM, and only then SERVICE.

Take care of yourself and your needs first, love yourself first. And only then, love and care for another person.

If you serve to get rid of fear, you are doomed to failure.

If a person gives from abundance, then he receives great reward. If he gives from a lack, then he deprives of love not only himself, but also another person.

Write in the comments , what type of psychological boundaries from the three described are you now building. What motives drive you when you agree against your wishes?

I am sure you will give many examples from your own life when you failed to say “no” and build healthy psychological barriers. When you give out of lack, out of fear of losing love.

If you need help setting healthy psychological boundaries, contact the author of this blog.

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Introduction

Our experience of contact with the world is formed by various psychological boundaries, which are very often far from optimal. Unformedness and violations of the function of the border are associated with the formation of negative motor attitudes that appeared as a result of psychological trauma. The sociocultural environment and upbringing, in most cases, contribute to the formation of these negative motor attitudes. However, the psychological boundary develops and changes throughout life.

The phenomenon of psychological boundaries today remains one of the least studied.

Within the framework of various schools, this concept has been used for a very long time: in the work of Gestalt therapists, followers of K.G. Jung, followers of K. Rogers, body-oriented psychotherapists. But if you look through psychological dictionaries, the search for a “psychological boundary” will turn out to be fruitless. On the one hand, everyone understands that each person somehow distinguishes himself from the outside world. And what separates the "I" from the surrounding world, what separates the "I" from the "non-I" is the psychological boundary. On the other hand, there is an objective difficulty in measuring a virtual entity that serves as a boundary for another non-physical entity. YES. Beskov and Sh.A. Tkhostov, in his work devoted to the study of psychological boundaries, write about this complexity as follows: “The problem is that the boundary of corporality is a very complex and elusive phenomenon, the existence of such a boundary seems undoubted, but it presents great difficulties for objectification.”

In modern Russian psychology, the works of T.S. Levy, D.A. Beskova, Sh. A. Tkhostova. The concept of a psychological boundary is widely used in the works of I. Vachko, E.I. Sereda and some other researchers.

Purpose of the work: to consider the psychological boundary as a psychological phenomenon of personality.

Research objectives:

1. Consider the psychological boundary as a functional organ.

2. Consider the concept of the optimal psychological boundary.

3. To study the concept of psychological boundaries in philosophy.

4. To study the concept of psychological boundaries in Gestalt therapy.

5. Consider possible problems in the relationship between a teacher and a student in the case of a poorly formed psychological boundary.

1. Analysis of scientific literature.

Psychological border

Psychological frontier in the psychology of corporality

In the philosophical, psychological and psychotherapeutic literature, one can find different terminology denoting this phenomenon: the boundary of life and the boundary of I-feeling (V.A. Podoroga), the contact boundary (F. Perls), the energy boundary (L. Marcher), the boundary “I " and inner border(A.Sh. Tkhostov) and others.

K. Jaspers writes: "Any life manifests itself as a constant exchange between the inner world and the outside world." This exchange takes place at the boundary of life education.

There is a tangible difference between the real, objective, biological body and the psychological image of this body experienced by the subject. The difference between how the body functions biologically, how it is arranged anatomically, and how we imagine it ourselves, how we experience it, how we feel it from the inside. Some processes that take place in our body are not fully realized by us - the flow of blood through the veins, arteries and vessels, the process of digestion: the release of nutrients from the food mass, their absorption, entering the blood, delivery to cells. At the same time, there are bodily processes that are very significant for a person, but do not have of great importance for a biological body - for example, the touch of a loved one - physically it is contact with a small area of ​​skin, excitation of a small number of tactile receptors, but for a living person this is a powerful emotional experience.

In the same way, there is a difference between the real, objective boundaries of the body, which coincide with the skin of our body, and the psychological boundaries, which can go beyond the physical boundaries.

Where is this border and what does it represent?

A border is a line laid in reality or an imaginary line separating one object from another. Accordingly, the psychological boundary of the individual separates the inner world of the individual from the external world, from other people.

Here is what V.A. The road about the border: “This border - vibrating, constantly changing its line of tension, consistency, thickness, activity of two environments that coincide in it (External and Internal) - is a period of life that we are not able to leave while we live; something that is always between - there may be an interval, a pause, an insurmountable barrier, a protective shaft, or maybe a hole, a cut, and, nevertheless, only here we gain a full sense of life.

The life path can be considered as a process of formation by a person of his own psychological boundary. T.S. Levy writes: “The psychological boundary is formed in the process of becoming aware of one's own inner space and defending it, overcoming symbiotic relationships. Such overcoming means acquiring the right to self-determination, freedom, but at the same time responsibility for oneself. V.A. Podoroga, considering the history of the emergence of a psychological boundary in ontogenesis, writes: “The child and mother are under the same (maternal) cover ... All sensations associated with the formation of the mental Ego of the child are determined by the closest Other to him. This Other will always be his second skin, which he will always lack. And this second skin is not only a kind of armor protection, but can also be the most dangerous enemy of the first. Likewise, “... any attempt to reconstruct the psychic Ego is determined by taking into account the interaction of the first and second skins, and without the latter, in fact, no psychic Ego can either form or manifest itself. It is the second skin that opens this, not always safe, path to the world of other bodies, to the body of the Other, but by a secondary move - the path to one's own body.

Thus, psychological development, this is the alignment of the "second skin" and the formation of a space between the first and second skin, i.e. psychological border.

The psychological boundary develops and changes throughout our lives. The quality of boundaries is an expression of the inner, energetic and mental state of a person. As T.S. Levy: “The optimal border is capable, depending on the state of the world and our own desire, to change its characteristics (density, permeability, thickness, shape, etc.), providing human interaction that is adequate to its capabilities, motives and values. The optimal psychological boundary is a process built life path a functional organ by the efforts of the person himself.

Based on the data obtained during the application of body-oriented techniques, it is possible to identify the extreme in terms of severity, possible characteristics of the optimal border:

a) The boundary can become actively impervious to external influences if these influences are assessed as harmful.

b) The boundary can become completely permeable and allow the "I" to merge with the world.

c) The border can become actively absorbing, retracting, if a person has an internal right to satisfy his needs.

d) The boundary can become actively giving away if the person has the inner right to express himself.

e) The border can become actively restraining, containerizing internal energy, if it is adequate to the state of the World.

f) The border can become calm-neutral in case of a similar state of the World.

The psychological boundary expresses the state of a person, characterized by the level of activity and the vector of movement from oneself or towards oneself. The optimal boundary corresponds to settings that do not contradict the needs and experiences of a person.

For the natural interaction of a person with the outside world, it is important to have the full range of options for changing the border. However, the main variant of the boundary that allows it to be flexible is the ability to keep it in a neutral state, which corresponds to calmness and self-confidence. B.D. Elkonin writes: “It is necessary to abandon one incorrect assumption, which says that the image is built as a result of the tension of need. Quite the contrary - something can be seen only during the period of removal from need and the removal of its tension ”[8,69]. The removal of tension is necessary in order to see something new, as well as a variety of possibilities for one's own behavior. Therefore, it is a calm state that allows a person to be as sensitive as possible to himself and the world.

The boundary of the physical body exists substantially. The psychological boundary has an energy nature: one or another of its characteristics arise as a temporary combination of forces to solve the problem of realizing a specific interaction between a person and the world. The psychological boundary is manifested in the activity of a person, in his actions. It does not exist substantively, but actually, and, therefore, is a virtual formation. All of the above suggests that the psychological boundary is not a morphological, but a functional organ.

According to A.A. Ukhtomsky, a functional organ is not a morphological, but an energy formation - a combination of forces capable of achieving a certain achievement.

psychological boundary balance teacher