Personal boundaries are invisible boundaries that protect our inner world. Psychological frontier in the psychology of corporality

Every person who lives in this world builds personal boundaries. The person decides what they will be. A person has the right to manage his personal time and space as he sees fit to do so. But why do some people find happiness in their lives, while others fail to do so? Let's figure it out.

Definition

What is a person's personal boundaries? This is the space that a person encloses around himself and beyond which it does not allow strangers to enter. Moreover, this space should not be taken literally. Personal boundaries are both purely physical and psychological. Physical boundaries are not so difficult to define. You let any person close to you for a meter, but not everyone can come close to you. From an unfamiliar person who comes too close, you will move away.

And how to define psychological personal boundaries? This is more difficult to do. A person communicates with all people in different ways, and for each specific individual he builds his own barriers. Some people will be allowed to be touched, while others will not be allowed to be touched. To someone a person will reveal his secrets, and with someone he will only talk about the weather. Depending on how close this or that person is, you will react to it in different ways. And also the attitude towards a person will be influenced by personal sympathies, and the reciprocity of your feelings. A person is a rather complex creature, therefore it is not always possible for him to correctly build his psychological boundaries and protect them from the encroachments of other people.

Kinds

What are the personal boundaries of a person? Psychologists divide them into two main types:

1. Weak. Such boundaries can be easily violated. Moreover, they are encroached upon by both well-known people and strangers. If a person cannot convey to the interlocutor how to treat her, then the opponent will do as he sees fit. The weak are inherent in weak people with low self-esteem and a suppressed sense of will. Such persons will not defend their rights, and will always stay away from something serious, considering themselves simply unworthy of some feats. Such persons are kind-hearted and love to help others. A person with weak personal boundaries will do charity work, and will agree to give his last things to please another, more needy person.
2. Strong boundaries. Persons who can stand up for themselves and will not allow others to infringe on their interests will build invisible walls around themselves, which will be difficult to break through not only for an unfamiliar, but even for a well-known person. From the outside, such individuals may seem too cold and unyielding. Their self-confidence and leadership qualities are visible to the naked eye. If someone decides to encroach on the personal boundaries of a person, then this someone will be rebuffed and will no longer want to encroach on what the person so fiercely guards. Some may think that such people are lonely. But there is nothing like it in their lives. It's just that people demand respect for themselves not only at work, but also at home. All households know the limit of a person's patience and will not cross it. Children who grow up in the family of a person who knows the boundaries of what is permitted will unconsciously adopt such a system of protecting their personality.

Varieties

A person must know his personal boundaries. This will help him feel comfortable. Also, the person must understand in which areas of life people should be given the opportunity to cross the line, and in which not. What are the varieties personal boundaries?

1. Physical. Each person around him has a distance in which he does not allow unfamiliar people. You must understand exactly what is considered acceptable to you and what is not. If a person approaches you within a meter, will you start to panic? How about half a meter? You need to know exactly at what distance you are pleased to communicate with strangers, so that in the future you can always keep a similar distance and feel comfortable. You should also set the distance for well-known people and those closest to you. You have to let people know what your boundaries are and how close they can get to you.
2. Psychological. Each person, by virtue of his upbringing and education, sets boundaries for feelings and emotions. A person can make some expressions of his feelings public, and a person will hide everything else under masks, since, in his opinion, these emotions should not be seen by others. You need to understand which emotions and feelings you consider public and which are not. Then you won't have to think about it every time you come across a similar situation.
3. Spiritual. Everyone has the right to believe what they want. And if you believe in God, then don't let anyone shake your confidence. Atheists can convince with beautiful speeches that God never existed, but your right to insist on your own, and if you are uncomfortable, just get away from the topic.
4. social attachments. Each person has friends, acquaintances and relatives with whom a person contacts more often than with many others, therefore, with loved ones, you also need to build personal boundaries of what is permitted. You can't protect your friends from being harassed by others, but you can set aside time to spend alone with loved ones.

How borders work

Have you heard a lot about the boundaries of what is permitted, but do not quite understand where personal boundaries apply? How to build a healthy relationship with your husband? Every girl thought about this question. So let's take it as an example to analyze the situation. How in many families does the husband show his authority to his wife? That's right, with the help of fists. But after all, a person never starts waving his arms unless he loses his temper. This means that at first the person must get excited and start screaming, and only then wave his arms and look for a target to defeat. But before a man boils, he must raise his voice and go to the new kind intonation. All these changes occur quite quickly, but even an inexperienced person will be able to notice with the naked eye the changes that occur in a person.

A woman who has lived with her husband for many years knows perfectly well all the stages of her husband's anger. And if she knows this, then her personal boundaries are too weak. A man can beat her only when the lady herself allows him to do it. If a woman has strong boundaries, then she will not allow her soulmate to even raise her voice, let alone shout. Do you want to build a normal relationship with a man? Don't let him violate your personal boundaries. When a husband raises his voice, reproach him for this, or simply admonish him with the phrase: "I won't talk to you in that tone." The man will immediately return to the normal timbre of speech and stop boiling. And if a woman cannot stand up for herself, then she will forever endure beatings, and this will not be her husband's fault, but her own. How to set personal boundaries? Stop being a doormat and take responsibility for your life in your own hands.

Expanding personal boundaries

A person must have respect for himself. If it is not there, then the person will allow himself to be insulted and humiliated. How to set personal boundaries? A person needs to be made clear to others that he will not give anyone the opportunity to encroach on his personal space. How to do it? Interrupt all attempts of people to get into your life. And do it right away. For example, if you do not want to tell anyone about your personal life, no one can force you to talk about it. And when too inquisitive friends will try to get into your soul and find out what is happening there, you can answer all questions in the same way, thanks for your interest, I'm fine. If you answer in this manner every time, soon you will no longer be asked questions.

In the same way, you should teach others not to cross the line in their treatment of you. Do you notice that many people take out their anger on you? So you let people do it. Do not allow someone else's irritation, but rather, do not listen to other people's complaints. Someone begins to talk about his unfortunate fate? Interrupt the person and ask what good things are happening in the person's life. If he is offended and says that you are a bad friend, since you do not want to hear about the problems of others, you can always answer that you have enough problems in your life, and you want to hear something positive. After all, notice that when people talk about something good, they rarely conflict with each other and argue about who has a better life. And when people complain, the dialogue often turns into scolding, raising their voices, and so on. Intentionally shield yourself from negativity, and then you will immediately notice how your life will improve.

All problems since childhood

Why do people grow up with weak personality boundaries? All the problems of any person must be sought in childhood. Why do parents violate the personal boundaries of children? Parents who are too concerned about the health of their child often suffer from the fact that, without unnecessary need, they will check the temperature of the child, forbid him to run and be naughty. Such overprotection will lead to the fact that the baby will grow into a dependent person who will not be able to take responsibility for his actions. It would seem, what are the boundaries here? The child will grow up too naive and trusting, and as a result, he will let anyone who outwardly looks cute and friendly approach him. But the intentions of a person may not be the most good-natured.

Parents who do not like the child also risk weakening the personal boundaries of the child. The child will need love and affection, which means he will look for such feelings on the side. And the kid will be happy with any person who will take a liking to him and take pity on him. An inferiority complex will remain with a person for life and a person simply cannot exist normally. Her self-esteem will depend on the opinions of others and on the assessment of human activity.

How else can parents violate the child's personal space? Every person is born with personal belongings. A person should have their own mug, cup, fork, etc. If adults constantly take the baby’s things and tell the child that this is quite normal and you need to be able to share, then the child may develop an inferiority complex, which is popularly called soft-heartedness.

What needs to be protected from someone else's encroachment

Want to learn more about personal boundaries? Kovalev will help you with this. You can open any of teaching aids and learn more about all the features of human psychology. Among other things, Kovalev writes that you need to protect your personality boundaries from other people's encroachments. But in order to protect something, you need to understand exactly what it is.

1. Personal items. Each person has objects that are valuable to him, dear and have some importance for him. Such things should be protected from the wrong hands. If someone takes your belongings without permission, then you must reprimand the person. Do you think it's selfish? Yes. And quite justified. It makes no sense to distribute your things to everyone in a row. If you decide to lend something to someone, it should be your personal unimposed desire. All other methods of taking items from you can be considered a direct violation of personal boundaries.
2. Personal time. A person should have the right to time that he spends exclusively on himself. The person should have no problem being alone with himself. A person is not obliged to go where his friends call him, just for the reason that people really want to see him. You should always make time in your routine to be alone with your thoughts and think about something personal. Psychology will help you build personal boundaries. The book that you can read on this topic has the same name with your problem, and its authors are Jenny Miller and Victoria Lambert.
3. Social connections. Every normal person should have well-established social ties. Every person has friends, family and soul mate. And with each of these types of people you need to properly build personal boundaries. How to understand the difference between different types of people? Listen to your intuition, it rarely makes mistakes in such things.
4. Dreams and desires. You have the right to dream and wish for anything. Your dreams should not be limited or imposed from outside. People can do whatever they want. And no one can limit their freedom of choice.

Reactions to violations of personal boundaries

How does a normal person react when an uninvited guest tries to stick his curious nose where he was not asked to climb? Violation of personal boundaries in psychology can be characterized by several reactions. Some of them are psychological, while others have external manifestations.

1. Negative emotions. First of all, a person whose personal space is being invaded by someone begins to get very annoyed. And this is quite normal. This is the first psychological sign that it is time to fight back an uninvited guest. Violation of personal boundaries in this case is not too significant, but all the same, the person becomes uncomfortable with the fact that someone encroaches on the physical or moral space of a person.
2. Responsiveness. A person who is deeply hurt will react instantly. The person will try to protect himself from uninvited guest, and if this fails, then he will go on the offensive. The person will try in response to go beyond the admissible personal boundaries of the opponent.
3. Offensive words. The next stage, to which a person passes, whose space is being encroached upon, is insults. The person will scold his offender and raise his voice at him. And if all this does not help, then the person will get angry and start screaming.
4. Physical injury. If the opponent does not understand the need to stop, then the person whose boundaries have been violated may switch to using their fists. Solving problems with the use of physical force is not the best solution, but sometimes there is nothing else left for a person.

Reasonable Approach

How should a person show their personal boundaries? Psychologists advise using this method. A person should stop an opponent who has taken too wide a step once. Your abuser must understand that he did something wrong, and you will not tolerate such treatment. Thus, you give the person the first warning. The person understands how you should be treated. But the next time they meet, a person can once again check the boundaries of what is acceptable. And if the opponent is once again rebuffed, he will understand that you are confident in your boundaries. Knowing exactly what is acceptable is very helpful. And there is no need to repeat to a person several times what is unpleasant for you. After all, you can simply not allow a person to cross the line.

And if a person does not understand your words and believes that you can endure, you must either stop communicating with this opponent or react sharply to his attacks. As a result, the person should understand that you are not joking and are really ready to defend yourself. Moreover, methods that will justify the means can be used even not the most kind.

In order to demand that other people respect their boundaries, you need to learn to respect other people's boundaries. Never play the fool or pretend not to understand the desires of others. After all, then these same people can cross your boundaries and thereby cause you inconvenience.

It's easier to install now than to reinstall

Everyone knows the phrase that it is better to do well right away than to redo it later. But it is one thing to know, and another to put knowledge into practice. How do you set personal boundaries? Psychologists assure that most people at first allow a lot to their new acquaintances, and then abruptly begin to demand something from people. And it turns out a situation where a person suddenly receives claims that he had not heard before. This often happens with couples who are just starting to date.

The girls first let the guy close, and then build a wall through which, with all the desire, it is very difficult to break through. The man begins to think that the lady decided to send him to the friend zone, and is looking for another more accessible girl. But in fact, the lady just wanted to remove the guy a little from herself, since she is unpleasant when a person violates her personal boundaries. In order not to get into awkward situations, and then not justify yourself to people, you must immediately be able to show your character. Show the boundaries of the permissible immediately, and not after the fact. Then you won't have to get upset, apologize and blush for your strange behavior. Don't be afraid to be weird in front of the other person. It will be worse if you go against your will and endure strong pressure from the people around you.

Troubleshooting

How to learn to protect personal boundaries? A person must follow a few simple rules that will help him significantly improve his life.

1. Learn to say no. If you don't feel like doing something, or just don't feel like going somewhere, say no. If a person asks you for a favor, and you have little time and energy to help him, then it is better to immediately refuse. Do not worry that you somehow harmed a friend. Always think of yourself and your own interests first. After all, a person has one life and you need to live it in such a way that later you do not regret how little you managed to do.
2. Let go of strong feelings of guilt. Do you want to expand your personal boundaries? The exercise that will help you do this is very simple. Deny people their requests and try to drown out the guilt. You must develop a reflex when you refuse a person something, but at the same time you feel as good as if you helped him.
3. Don't make excuses. If you can’t do something or don’t want to disclose some information, you don’t need to do it. Remember that you have a personal right to do what you want. Do not worry and do not think about what other people think badly of you. It doesn't matter what your friends think of you. If these are your good friends, they will not say anything bad. Well, if these are unfamiliar people, they simply will not find a reason to discuss you.
4. Don't take offense to heart. Did someone offend you or refuse to help? Don't take offense as a personal insult. Remember that everyone, including you, has the right to refuse. If you do not want to do something, just say it to the person in person, but remember that the person can honestly tell you that he will not help.
5. Know your rights and responsibilities. A person who understands well what and to whom he owes will never suffer from weak personal boundaries. The person will be self-confident and self-sufficient.

Building your own comfort zone

How to build personal boundaries? A person must reshape his character a little and learn:

1. Self-confidence. A person who takes into account, first of all, his own opinion, and not the opinion of others, will be happy. It will be easy for such a person to explain to others where the zone of his own comfort lies, which cannot be violated.
2. Dream and set goals. Restoring personal boundaries must begin with setting your desires and goals. A person must go somewhere in this life, only then can he become a harmonious personality. Moving without a landmark, it is too easy to get lost in the bustle of the city.
3. Learn to fight back against people who violate your boundaries. You need to tactfully, but still firmly, refuse anyone who violates your comfort zone. Such persons act ugly, and they should understand this. If a person has forgotten about your boundaries, feel free to remind him of them. How to change your personal boundaries? Self-confidence books will help you do just that.

The word "borders" is most often associated with states and land plots, however, there are boundaries not only for the territories of the earth, but for every person. These boundaries are called personal or personal, and although they are invisible, their importance for the physical and psychological comfort of a person cannot be underestimated. Personal boundaries from the point of view of psychology are the boundaries of one's own "I", these are the limits that separate the feelings, emotions, desires and intentions of an individual from the attitudes and feelings of other people. It is thanks to the presence of personal boundaries that each person is aware of his individuality and has the opportunity to live and develop not only as part of society, but also as an individual.

Violations and violators of personal boundaries

Personal boundaries define the zone of personal responsibility of a person and "protect" the right to choose and the inner world of the individual from intrusions from outside. A person with correctly built psychological boundaries can always find a balance between the requirements of society and personal needs and does not allow other people to violate it. peace of mind. Also, a person who has strong psychological boundaries respects the needs, desires and opinions of other people and tries not to violate the spiritual comfort of others.

However, not all people treat others with due respect and have any idea about the psychological boundaries of each individual, so we regularly have to deal with "boundary violators". Such a violator may be a boss who does not choose words in a conversation with subordinates; a colleague who is distinguished by excessive curiosity and drives into the paint with his tactless questions; husband / wife, and scandal for any reason; a friend who constantly needs help and a "vest" to cry, etc.

A person who has strong personal boundaries and knows how to protect them will be able to resist the offender - he will give a verbal rebuff to the offender, will not succumb to manipulation and will not allow anyone to disturb his peace of mind. Those people who have not managed to build psychological protection are forced to regularly experience discomfort when communicating with arrogant or impolite persons and give others an excellent opportunity to manipulate themselves. Determining that personal boundaries are not built or unstable is very simple - the following signs clearly indicate this:

Building personal boundaries

The process of building personal boundaries lasts a lifetime, and when communicating with each new acquaintance, a person forms and marks boundaries based on the characteristics of the relationship. Therefore, it is never too late to build your own boundaries, and in order to achieve a result, you must do the following:

situations when it is necessary to defend one's boundaries arise regularly, and therefore it is important to be able to protect one's psychological space in such a way that one does not violate the boundaries of another person. To do this, every time someone tries to "invade" personal space, let the violator understand that it is impossible to do this by expressing their dissatisfaction with words or physically distancing themselves (moving a few meters, going into another room, etc.) from the aggressor . Then you should calmly but firmly explain the reason for your dissatisfaction with the offender, and it is best to use the I-message for this: "I feel unpleasant and hurt when you ... In cases where you do this, I feel ... I ask you more don't do it, otherwise..."

However, it also happens that the violator stubbornly continues to try to break into personal space, despite any persuasion and requests. You can explain to such a person 100 times how unpleasant his criticism / insults / actions are, and in response each time hear something like "I say / do what I think is right, and I don't care how you feel about it." In this case, there is only one way to reliably protect your borders and ensure your spiritual comfort - to stop communicating with the aggressor.

Do you know the feeling of being manipulated or pressured all the time? Surely familiar. We can experience this feeling in the family, in communication with friends, at work. This is often used by sales managers, offering us to buy something, and now you are the owner of another little thing you don’t need.

What are personal boundaries of a person and how to build them correctly, let's try to figure it out.

What are personal boundaries and why a person needs them

personal boundaries- this is a conditional concept, which denotes a certain line between the attitude of an individual and the attitudes and intentions of the people around her. Someone builds five-meter stone fences with caretakers on the towers, while someone does not have these borders at all.

We need these boundaries in order to be able to clearly understand where is “I” and where are “strangers”; where are “my” emotions and actions, and where are “not mine”.

How many people do you know who protect their inner world from outsiders invading it? Are you one yourself?

• Think, are you always doing what you want or are you trying to please someone?!
• Do you make your own decisions in certain situations that concern you, or do you rely on the opinions of outsiders?
• In general, how often do you say: "YES", while feeling the desire to refuse?
• If you have friends who use you as a "sink" and they do not care if you are interested in their information?

If all of the above is normal and mundane in your life, then it is definitely a gross violation of personal boundaries.

What do you pay for the lack of personal boundaries? First of all, your mental balance is disturbed. A person experiences constant discomfort, the mood deteriorates and there is a feeling that all the forces have left you.

First of all, a huge amount of energy is spent on maintaining relationships with others. You allow yourself to be manipulated, and you do not like it, but you are silent. For example, you work for someone. It is unlikely that you will experience love and satisfaction, sooner you will realize that you are being used.

Some believe that this only happens to those who have a bad environment. Allegedly a good friend will not use for personal purposes. This is a deep delusion. Your personal boundary is only your task, and you need to learn how to build it. Otherwise, people will sit on your neck.

Types of personality boundaries

There are several types of personal boundaries:

1. physical border. This is the most tangible border, that is, the so-called "feature" is the skin. If, for example, you are pushed or hit, you will immediately feel that your boundary has been violated, you will feel pain and discomfort.

1. emotional border. If in a conversation with you you are insulted or humiliated, then here it is worth talking about a violation of emotional boundaries. Even if they don’t humiliate you, but in front of you they speak unflatteringly about another person, this is also a violation of your boundaries. Have you ever been asked the question: why don't you have children?», « why are you not married yet?” What did you experience? Certainly discomfort. That's right, because no one has the right to flatter your privacy. This is an emotional boundary violation.

By the way, in some countries, during the interview, it is forbidden for candidates to ask personal questions, so as not to violate their personal boundaries.

1. The boundaries of personal space and the right to property. Each of us, to one degree or another, needs personal space. Someone loves solitude, and for this he needs a private room or a corner where outsiders are not allowed to enter. For example, a friend came to you and asks you to shelter him for a couple of days, allegedly he has difficulties with housing, but he will soon solve this problem. Of course, if you are a good friend, you will let him in and let him live for a couple of days. But what if a friend is overstayed and is in no hurry to look for another place to live? Of course, he grossly violates your personal space. You cannot take a deep breath and be alone. Or another example: at work, someone used your personal dishes, and you didn’t like it. Having expressed your dissatisfaction, most likely in response you will receive a negative. You may be called an offensive word, but for what? They violated your right to property.
2. time border. Punctuality is very good quality person. A punctual person will never violate another person's time limits. Agree, an unpleasant situation: you agreed with a friend about a meeting, and he is very late. And you are wasting your precious time, which could be spent on something useful.

Signs of Weak Personal Boundaries

You have weak or violated personal boundaries if you:

Did you recognize yourself? Then go ahead, to a new "I", where your interests will be above all!

Why do we allow our personal boundaries to be violated?

A person is not born with already formed personal boundaries, he forms them independently all his life. Nevertheless, the process itself is laid in childhood. Most parents in the process of upbringing do not allow the child to feel like a separate person, they set their own boundaries of thoughts and actions for him. Of course, they thereby protect their children from troubles and misfortunes, but at the same time they do not allow them to live their own lives. This is the main reason for the violation of personal boundaries in adulthood.

Growing up, we no longer fulfill unquestioningly everything that our parents say, but in order not to offend them, many people spit on their own thoughts and desires. Surely, many of us feel a sense of duty to our parents for raising and educating us. Parents do not wish us harm, but in doing so they destroy our personal boundaries. Or are you such a parent yourself?

Of course, when we do everything to make our relatives feel good, this is understandable, but what makes us allow "strangers" to step over this line? It's probably the fear of being alone.

We are afraid that by refusing a person, we will lose his love or make him angry.

Who most often violates the personal boundaries of a person?

There are three types of people who can violate our personal boundaries:

• First type- These are people who know what everyone's personal boundaries are, respect them, but under certain circumstances, for example, during stress or conflict, they reluctantly destroy them.
• Second type These are just uneducated people. They are not evil, they just do not know what personal boundaries are, their parents did not teach them this.
• Third type They are true manipulators. They know what and how to do. How to achieve your goal while causing pain or inconvenience to another. For them, this is the easiest way to achieve the goal. This is probably why there are so many manipulations in our lives.

How to define personal boundaries?

Before you start building personal boundaries (in case you didn't have them before) you need to define them. We offer you two methods:

1. Method of individual rules.

Sit down and write down your personal rules on a piece of paper, what you like to do, what makes you happy and comfortable.

For example, the list might look like this:

• Working hours 9-18 hours and no more.
• I don't do someone else's work, even if I'm asked to do so. The same goes for homework children.
• After work, every day I spend time with my family, and no one has the right to disturb me.
• On Saturday I deal with personal matters (sections, circles, courses, etc.), I do not answer calls for work.
• On Sunday I have a rest (with family, friends or with a loved one). I don't use social networks.
• I do not go to visit without warning and do not allow guests to enter who had the audacity to come to me without warning.
• I don't give advice unless asked for it.
• I only talk about topics that interest me.
• I do not answer calls after 22 pm and do not call myself.
• If I do not have free time for a telephone conversation, I will tell the caller about it.
• If I don’t want to do something, I will say “NO” to the one asking, even if he does not understand my refusal and will be offended.

This list can be supplemented or adjusted based on your "personal" rules and preferences.

1. Reverse method.

Using this method, there is no need to make lists, everything is quite simple: If you don’t like something or cause discomfort, you tell yourself: “Stop! Enough! No one else will take advantage of me."

3 ways to protect personal boundaries

If there is an encroachment on your personal territory, then you need to set up “guards” and protect personal boundaries. We offer you a three-step algorithm:

1. First of all, you need to feel that your boundaries are being violated.. For example, you are going to go to a beauty salon on your day off, but then your boss calls and asks you to come to work. You need to understand what you are experiencing. If you have good mood and you are happy to work, instead of going to a beauty salon, then there are no questions here. What if you experience a storm of negative emotions? Put yourself first. Go first to the beauty salon, and only then go to help the boss.
2. There is such a rule: "Learn to respect the boundaries of strangers, no one will covet yours." To protect your own boundaries, you need to respect others. Think, do you violate the personal boundaries of strangers? What do you experience?
3. Listen to your feelings that you experience when your boundaries are violated or when you violate someone else's boundaries, which is guiding you at that moment, and try to get rid of these feelings.

• Guilt . We are afraid that if we refuse someone, they will be offended by us.
• Sense of responsibility . If I was asked, I must definitely complete the task perfectly, even to the detriment of myself.

By letting go of those feelings, you can easily set your own personal boundaries.

How to set personal boundaries?

Finally, in this article, we come to perhaps the most important paragraph - the skills of setting personal boundaries. As we said, building personal boundaries is a lifelong process. If you met a new person, you need to “set up border guards” again, based on the characteristics of your communication. And in order to achieve the result, it is recommended to fulfill the following conditions:

1. Need first! A person who allows himself to be manipulated by others has low self-esteem. You need to understand that you are an individual and have the same rights as others.

2. You must know what you want! A person who does not know what he wants is very easy to manipulate and impose his opinion. Therefore, it is important to determine your desires and goals. Give yourself permission to do what you love, no matter what others think about it.

You must define your duties and rights! Boundaries cannot be drawn without clearly defined rights and obligations.

3. Learn to say "NO"! If you are asked for something, and it is not part of your responsibilities, you can choose to agree or refuse, but you should not feel guilty about it.

Advice! Phrases to help you say NO: “I’m busy right now,” “I need to think,” “I can’t answer this question right away,” “I’m not ready to discuss this.”

4. We must fight back! If someone nevertheless violated your personal boundaries, you cannot be silent, you need to fight back and stand up for yourself. For example, you can refuse advice or ask not to ask personal questions.

5. Stop blaming everyone around! The culprit of all your failures is you, and only YOU! No need to blame the parents who once banned you from dancing or boxing. Is there anything holding you back now?

• Stop communicating with those who "suck your blood"! Why communicate with people who say nasty things, why work where you are not appreciated, why do you need such a “best” friend who is ready to discuss only her problems, and she doesn’t give a damn about yours.
• Accept others for who they are! If you want your NO to be respected, then respect the NO of others.

How to withstand pressure from loved ones?

If a “stranger” person has violated your personal boundaries, you can tell him about it or stop communicating with him at all, but what to do if your personal boundaries have been violated by your close and beloved person, for example, mother, brother, sister, grandmother. All mothers love their children, and often climb into their lives, give advice, instructions, ask personal questions that you do not want to answer. Why won't you stop talking to your mom? So how can you withstand this pressure?

• for example , if mom gives advice that you don’t really need, then you can simply answer like this: “Mommy, I love you very much, but let me decide this issue on my own.” The main thing is that your words should not contain negativity and irritation.
• Or so : you have a best friend whom you love and cherish, but you are tired of listening to her endless complaints, invite her to talk only on pleasant topics.

Very often, women become victims of manipulation by their husbands and children. You came home from work very tired, and decided to take a break and take some time for yourself, but your children have other plans, they want to go for a walk or play with you: “Mom, you don’t give me time, so you don’t love me.” Explain to the child in a calm tone that you are very tired and you only need half an hour or an hour to rest and recover, after which you can fulfill any desire of your child.

How to learn to say "NO"?

Perhaps the main rule in building personal boundaries is the ability to firmly and decisively say “no” without regretting what was said.

But alas, not many people can. How to learn to say "NO" while maintaining a relationship? Here are five simple steps in the right refusal technique:

1. Show your feelings. If a person asks you for something, you can show your dissatisfaction with this request, thereby setting the stage for a soft refusal.
2. Say no. Explain why you refuse, but only a multiple, based on your feelings. No need to invent anything, otherwise it will look like an excuse.
3. Do not leave a person in a hopeless situation. Suggest a solution to the problem.
4. Perhaps the person will not stop there, and will try to persuade you. Calmly and silently listen to everything he has to say.
5. If your decision has not changed, then repeat everything that you said before, taking into account the words of the person.

A popular video in Runet on how to learn to say "no". Why people who are not ready to change their boundaries are lonely.

personal boundaries in relationships

A very common reason for breaking up relationships is violation of personal boundaries. Let's try to explain with a simple example:

“The girl Olga is dating the guy Oleg. She likes that they spend almost all of their time together. free time. After a long period of time, Olga began to notice that she was no longer dating her friends as before, she abandoned acting school. Her boyfriend Oleg just doesn't like that Olga meets her friends without him, and, in his opinion, Olga does not need acting school. At first, Olga really liked that her lover was jealous of her friends and just wanted to spend more time with her, but over time it became terribly annoying and aggravated relations in a couple.

As can be seen from the situation, Olga completely switched to the desires of her beloved, and stopped focusing on her “I want”. How long will such a relationship last, do they have a future? It is unlikely, unless, of course, a compromise is found in the pair. That's why in family relationships it is important to keep a distance and try not to violate personal boundaries in a relationship with your partner.

Let's look at another example - domestic violence. It's sad, but according to statistics in Russia, up to 40% of serious crimes are committed in the family, and every year 14,000 women die at the hands of their husbands. Domestic violence is a topical issue today, it is a direct violation of physical personal boundaries. Therefore, every woman should have strong and wide personal boundaries. Let's try to explain it in a simpler way: If it is acceptable for a woman to be hit, then she has weak and narrow personal boundaries, therefore, a man will be able to hit her. A woman with clear and wide boundaries will not only not allow herself to be hit, but will also stop the conversation at the moment of irritation in her voice.

It is important to expand your boundaries to acceptable behavior for you.

For example, during a quarrel, a man begins to raise his voice, and no matter what he says, he talks to you in raised tones. The woman at this moment should stop him and ask why he is talking to her like that. Almost always, a man automatically switches to a calmer tone.

It is very important to catch the "violator" the first time, if you forgive what they shout at you, do not be surprised if it comes to a blow. Yes, and it is not necessary during a quarrel to set your boundaries on the same raised tones. Just explain to your partner calmly that this is not the way to talk to you. If the situation repeats, just walk away from the situation, why repeat your conditions twice.

Here are a few things to keep in mind when building relationships:

1. Build your personal boundaries early in the relationship.
2. Remember that only we ourselves teach people how to treat us.
3. Your psychological health depends on how wide and strong your boundaries are.
4. In addition, you must respect not only your own interests, but also the interests of your partner.

Very often, setting personal boundaries goes hand in hand with selfishness, that is, many people confuse these two concepts. But there is a fine line between selfishness and a way to protect yourself. Setting personal boundaries, simply put, is what you personally want. And selfishness is what you are sure that everyone else should do as YOU want! Therefore, these two concepts are completely different.

How to learn to protect your personal boundaries.

Many people, for various reasons, do not know how to build healthy psychological boundaries in relationships. They either merge with a partner or set up rigid barriers that prevent them from achieving true intimacy. Let's look at the main motives that drive you when you build unhealthy boundaries.

3 types of psychological boundaries of personality.

Psychologists who study the problems of establishing psychological boundaries identify 3 (three) main types of barriers (boundaries) between individuals in relationships.

3 types of psychological boundaries.

Blurred psychological boundaries in relationships.

Blurred or fuzzy psychological boundaries between personalities arise when each individual entering into a relationship has unformed personality boundaries.

Relationships of this kind in psychology are called unhealthy fusion or codependency.

There is only one example healthy relationships with blurred psychological boundaries - this is a fusion of the first kind between an infant (up to 2-3 years old) and his mother.

Examples of unhealthy blurry borders:

• when a mother talks about her 20-year-old son: “We went to the army”, “We got sick”.

• "Relationships", Savior and Victim.

• The relationship between husband and wife, when, for example, the wishes of the husband are perceived by the wife as her own. Think of Julia Roberts in Runaway Bride.

• The inability to say "yes" or "no" in communications between people.

Impenetrable psychological boundaries in relationships.

If in the case of blurred boundaries it is not clear “where am I and my desires, and where are you and yours”, then impenetrable psychological barriers, on the contrary, are so impenetrable that individuals simply cannot communicate normally with each other.

A person with impenetrable psychological boundaries became so overlaid with barriers that he became like a cold and impregnable fortress, surrounded by ditches and spikes in stone walls.

Such a person is closed, does not share feelings and desires openly. Rejects closeness and intimacy in relationships. It is impossible to communicate normally with such a person, there is a feeling that you are communicating with a wall.

Healthy psychological boundaries in relationships.

Rarely seen. Since most of us grew up in co-dependent families, we copy patterns of setting unhealthy psychological barriers.

Explains and demonstrates well healthy mental relationships with healthy boundaries "The Gestalt Prayer":

"I am me. And YOU are you.

I do my thing and YOU do your thing.

I did not come into this World to meet your expectations and ideas about me. YOU did not come into this world to meet my expectations.

And if we MET - it's great. If not, then it can't be helped.

F. Perls 1951«

Thus, individuals with healthy psychological boundaries have and are aware of the boundary between "I" and "YOU", which allows you to establish relationships based on love, intimacy and intimacy.

They value and respect their own boundaries and the boundaries of their relationship partner.

Motivations that hinder the establishment of healthy boundaries in relationships.

Let's take a closer look at all those false motives that prevent us from establishing healthy psychological boundaries in a relationship.

Fear of losing love or being rejected.

Under the influence of such fear, people say “yes”, and then internally resent it. This is the predominant motif of the "martyrs". They give in order to receive love and respect in return, and if they do not receive them, they feel miserable.

Fear of anger from others.

Because of old wounds and barriers not repaired, some people can't bear to have someone on top of them. It is easier for them to make concessions than to withstand the loud voice of the interlocutor or someone's "arrival".

Fear of loneliness.

Some people give in to others because it seems to them that in this way they will be able to "win" love and put an end to their loneliness.

Fear of breaking the established idea of ​​love.

The assumption that if they refuse, the other person may experience a sense of loss.

It often happens that people who have not properly dealt with their own losses and disappointments give in because of excessive empathy. Every time they have to refuse another person, they feel his sadness. And moreover, they feel it to such an extent that that person did not even dream of. They are afraid of hurting, and therefore it is easier for them to agree.

CONCLUSION: To establish healthy psychological boundaries, you need to learn that first FREEDOM, and only then SERVICE.

Take care of yourself and your needs first, love yourself first. And only then, love and care for another person.

If you serve to get rid of fear, you are doomed to failure.

If a person gives from abundance, then he receives great reward. If he gives from a lack, then he deprives of love not only himself, but also another person.

Write in the comments , what type of psychological boundaries from the three described are you now building. What motives drive you when you agree against your wishes?

I am sure you will give many examples from your own life when you failed to say “no” and build healthy psychological barriers. When you give out of lack, out of fear of losing love.

If you need help setting healthy psychological boundaries, contact the author of this blog.

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AT psychological practice when working with clients, I often have to deal with various requests that have a common basis - unawareness, inability to build, and, as a result, to defend personal psychological boundaries.

For people who have difficulty with "boundaries," the very thought of them is often a revelation. So what are psychological boundaries?

Any boundaries presuppose the establishment of a certain limit, fence, wall, feature, line denoting property, separating one space, territory from another, one's own from another's, etc. Each subject has its own boundaries, such as: the state, region, region, and the person himself is no exception.

Personality boundaries separate the "territory" of one person from another, showing where one personal space ends and the territory of another personality begins.

The physical boundaries of a person are, first of all, his body and this or that, depending on various factors, the distance around him. No less important for the feeling of one's "presence", awareness of one's "I", different from others, are psychological boundaries. They designate and protect the inner space, their own psychological territory, which includes:

● A system of self-image (what I am, what is good and bad about me, what qualities I have, assessment of my appearance, etc.);

● Needs, desires, aspirations, goals and ideas about how to achieve them;

● A system of existential attitudes regarding the meaning of life and the meaning of ongoing events, responsibility and guilt, love and loneliness, dependence and freedom, one's own ability (or impossibility) to make decisions and make choices, creativity and limiting obligations;

● Ideas about own abilities;

● Ways and style of interaction with other people;

● The right to create ideas and choose how to implement them;

● Ideas about one's place in the world, society;

● A system of rules and principles on which interaction with the social environment is built;

● Possession of some physical territory, that is, things, objects, objects that are referred to as the word “mine” (for example, a table, a sofa, a room, a house, clothes, workplace etc.) .

That is, in psychological sense Boundaries are the understanding of one's self as separate from others. This understanding of our separateness forms the basis of our personality. Borders tell us where we are and where we are not; what we can choose and what we cannot; what we can bear and what we cannot; what we feel and what we don't feel; what we like and what we don't like; what we want and what we don't want. In a word, boundaries define us. Just as physical boundaries determine where private ownership begins and ends, spiritual and psychological boundaries determine who we are and who we are not.

Psychologists distinguish two types of boundaries: determining and protective.

Defining boundaries connected with the values, attitudes and norms we have adopted, showing who we are and who we are not. They affirm both for ourselves and for those around us the essence of our personality, denoting what we consider the most important and valuable. This kind of boundary serves to identify and clarify oneself. By erecting defining boundaries, a person, as it were, informs, gives a signal to other people about who he is. For example, “I am a mother, and my parental duty is above professional duties”, “I am Russian and I am proud of my history and country”, “I am an Orthodox Christian, I observe church traditions and canons”, “I am an owl and ask me early in the morning do not disturb, etc., etc.

Protective borders protect "I" from circumstances that we perceive as painful, threatening self-esteem, unpleasant. By setting protective boundaries, we try to make relationships with people comfortable, to overcome difficulties in communication. In their case, it will already be something like this: “If you continue to make fun of me, I will stop communicating with you”, “If you don’t stop drinking, I will divorce you”, “If you don’t stop being late, I will go to visit in your car”, etc. Protective boundaries are affirmed in the presentation of communication conditions, the violation of which will lead to consequences announced in advance.

Unlike defining ones, protective boundaries are mobile. In the event of a change in attitude towards you, compliance with the conditions of communication put forward by you, you can weaken or completely eliminate them. Without facing unpleasant, painful, offensive circumstances, the need for protection disappears.

Thus, borders are a kind of boundary that separates the “I” from others, one’s own responsibilities and those of others, one’s own “territory” and not one’s own. They allow you to be a person as such, to have your own desires, needs, aspirations, and not other people's emotions, feelings, etc. Without them, we would not see the end of our responsibilities - we would worry about all people as well as ourselves, the division of labor would never come. With boundaries, everyone can clearly understand what he is responsible for (for his feelings, his actions, his decisions) and for what he should not be responsible (for the feelings of other people, their actions and decisions).

Psychological boundaries, as well as state ones, they protect against encroachments on a person, on his inner, private space with all its content. By the very fact of their existence, they declare our sovereignty and protect us from uninvited, rude invasion, aggression, various forms violence and manipulation. Only unlike physical ones, psychological boundaries are invisible, they are in the mind and manifest in behavior.

When interacting with each other, people inevitably come into contact. Their personal spaces, psychological territories can be respected, protected, crossed, occupied or forcibly limited. Everything is the same as what happens to states and their borders.

The psychological spaces of different people can be, to one degree or another, a stable formation and have more or less rigid boundaries, the violation of which always causes a negative reaction - from mild discomfort to painful experiences. Such a reaction, in turn, can stimulate the emergence of a wide variety of forms of defense, up to retaliatory aggression. In any case, they always strive to preserve, protect, defend their own borders. And when they are violated, conflicts, misunderstandings, irritation, etc. begin.

Obvious problems arise when we do not feel our boundaries and, as a result, we do not know how to defend them. People with "unsteady" boundaries, or without them at all, will, without realizing it, constantly cause latent irritation among others, even among close friends. Ultimately, such people will be avoided by everyone, no one will want to communicate with them for a long time.

So, violation of psychological boundaries we will call the impact of one person on another with varying degrees of violence (that is, without obtaining consent) in order to change at one’s own discretion the system of ideas belonging to a person about himself, his capabilities, resources and his place in the world, to force changes in the rules and principles, to impose alien goals and ways to achieve them, etc., as well as unauthorized use and appropriation of the physical territory of another person or his objects of the physical world.

An extreme form of encroachment on the boundaries of the individual is occupation of psychological territory, as a result of which violation of boundaries occurs in all spheres of human life and, moreover, with a high degree of intensity.

Here are some examples from practice that demonstrate border problems:

● You are asked to do something that you don't want to do and that is not in your best interest, and you do not refuse the request. There may be another situation when you voluntarily take on the duties of other people without their request.

● You are humiliated, insulted, both verbally and physically, and you humbly endure it.

● You fully live by the needs and interests of other people, and you are little considered.

● Your loved ones play tricks on you in front of strangers and find it "fun". You, feeling "uncomfortable" in these situations, do not show it to them in any way.

● Trying to support and console, you talk on the phone for a long time with your “unhappy” girlfriend every day, or she spends all her free time at your house. You do not have time for household chores, for communication with your husband and children, but you continue to give her all your attention, afraid to offend.

● Working with clients, you pass their problems through yourself. If something gets out of control, turns into surprises, you can stay up at night until you resolve work situations.

● Your friends regularly violate the agreements between you and are late, without warning, do not repay you on time, force you to agree to a pastime that you are not interested in/unnecessary/unpleasant.

● Your personal belongings are taken without asking your permission.

● Different people in varying degrees of closeness to you ask questions about your intimate life and everything connected with it, and you answer, even if it is unpleasant for you to do so. Or you are initiated into the details of someone's intimate life, without being convinced of your desire to talk and listen about it.

● You have become an adult for a long time, and your relatives are still teaching you to "live", taking for you important decisions and in every possible way “contribute” to the arrangement of your personal life. Or, being already an adult and living on your own, you constantly, every step of your life check with the opinion of your parents, most often your mother. For any, even insignificant reason, you consult with her.

● Acquaintances and friends constantly tell you about the problems of their lives without asking your permission. This began to annoy you, but you continue to be a collective “vest”, “rug for wiping your feet”, etc.

This is just a small list of examples showing the violation of psychological boundaries and the inability to build them in communication with people.

Psychological boundaries begin to form at an early age in the family, in communication with loved ones. To establish "healthy" boundaries, the same conditions are necessary as for the development of a psychologically mature personality. This is the formation of primary, basic trust, autonomy, initiative, stable personal identity, the experience of unconditional acceptance and closeness, healthy separation from parents, etc.

Personal perception of psychological boundaries can be different. From “healthy”, balanced boundaries, clearly defined and mobile, depending on the situation, to their complete absence or only a hint of their presence.

The “immature” include not only personalities “without borders”, but also those who have built impenetrable dividing lines.

People with boundary violations behave differently. Three types of reactions can be distinguished.

1) When borders destroyed open, a person is not sensitive to the needs of both his own personality and the personalities of other people. He freely becomes the object of use, manipulation, easy prey for violence. Often such people do not distinguish between intimacy and publicity, women may not be picky in sexual relationships.

2). The second type of reaction is associated with closed borders. A person traumatized by the painful experience of destructive relationships, childhood traumas, can “build” insurmountable barriers around himself, actually isolating himself from relationships that require disclosure. Such people seem to defend themselves all their lives, becoming a completely closed system. Constantly defending their territory, they trust no one and are doomed to live in a state of war with everyone around them. They see threat everywhere, even where there is none. Negative children's decisions force them to perceive the world as bad and extremely hostile, and interpret non-hostile actions as hostile. Internal aggression easily turns outward, and after the defense they often take the offensive, violating the boundaries of other people. Having formed in situations that required strong protection, over time, even when there are no threats to the individual, they continue to invariably fulfill their role, not allowing true intimacy, self-disclosure in relationships.

It is important to remember that we are created for relationships, and mutual acceptance is impossible without intimacy, openness to each other, mutual trust. And this cannot be achieved without risk, courage to remove all our protections, to become vulnerable. Without relationships, there is no full-fledged life, and a person is destined again and again to go beyond the psychological defenses built by him, to go closer to people.

3) The third reaction is intermediate between the first two. This is human behavior blurred, shaky borders. He is disoriented and can behave either as in the first type of reactions, with open boundaries, or as in the second, with closed ones. Moreover, fluctuations in his behavior - from complete openness to the construction of impenetrable defenses, as a rule, do not correspond to situations. He has ideas about boundaries, but there are no clear principles for building and defending them.

So, it is vitally important for every person to understand that gaining true freedom in any sphere of being is impossible without establishing “healthy” boundaries. If boundaries are missing or broken, then relationships will inevitably break down, work becomes a slave duty, and spiritual growth stops. Boundaries affect us in all areas - physical, psychological, spiritual, in the field of interpersonal relationships.

If there are no borders, they need to be built; if they are unsteady, then they should be strengthened. Borders serve to protect us by building a necessary buffer between people, preventing any encroachment on the psychological space of the individual.

The work on building healthy, balanced boundaries of the personality is complex, systematic in nature and is directly related to the achievement of maturity of the “I” system. I will give just a few, out of many possible directions for establishing "healthy" boundaries. This work must include:

● Increasing self-esteem, self-esteem, strengthening faith in one's value, significance;

● Trust training own feelings. The disclosure of one's true essence is possible only in accepting and demonstrating what is happening in the inner world at any given moment, without suppressing and condemning oneself. This can be helped by mastering the skills of "I-statements", as the ability to speak openly about one's experiences, needs and true desires;

● Teaching the ability to say "yes" and especially "no", depending on their true preferences and desires. The ability to say “no” is like a sign given to the whole world: “I am a person. I have needs, tastes, preferences that are just as important as yours. And I can take care of myself." By saying “no”, you thereby mark the boundaries of your sovereignty. Learning to object firmly is an important stage in the struggle for independence of thought and behavior, for firmly following one's intentions.

● Development of assertive behavior skills. They involve the ability to expressively and clearly state what is desired; accept possible troubles; openly and frankly express their feelings; resolve conflicts constructively; recognize and counteract manipulative techniques, etc.

This is everyday work on oneself, the result of which will be the achievement of harmony with oneself and the people around, a realistic, adequate attitude towards oneself and the world will be formed.