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Modesty is a personality trait acquired as a result of internalization of behavioral patterns and values of others. It is reflected in the ability to keep one's own emotional and behavioral manifestations within certain limits, to keep calm, moderation and restraint, to make minimal demands on other people and one's material and household arrangements. Modesty changes the lifestyle of a person, providing for decency in communication, respect for decorum, leading a life without luxury.
It is believed that modesty adorns a person, presenting him without superfluous boasting, when a person’s virtues appear in actions, and rewards come without begging or demanding. Manifestations are possible in behavior through obedience to elders and humility in front of experienced ones, in clothes of inexpensive brands, discreet colors and models. Often modesty is used synonymously with shyness and timidity, but this is erroneous, even with similar manifestations, since modesty is a conscious act, choice, and other manifestations are unconscious and driven by subconscious or trauma.
What is modesty
The meaning of modesty is varied, and depending on the scope of the discussion, it will have its own adjustments, from the general ones there will remain undemanding and lack of desire to put oneself in the first place. In terms of arranging his life, he is characterized by a lack of desire for luxury and an understanding that insignificant resources are needed to feel comfortable. In terms of interpersonal interaction, modesty is characterized by a sincere interest in others, and more than in himself, such a person asks and listens more than talks and boasts. In addition, during communication, the dignity of all people is recognized, the rules accepted in society are manifested and observed.
Modesty is considered a character trait that allows a person to conform to the environment without attracting undue attention, in principle considering drawing attention to one's own person (by action or word, clothing or purchase) as unworthy behavior.
Many sets of rules (etiquette, decent social behavior, church approved) say that modesty adorns a person and is the most valuable trait that provides opportunities for and vision of others to learn from them, contributes to the development of kindness and, as a result, the establishment of good relationships. But modesty may not always have a positive impact in a society where some people live according to other laws, self-interest and cunning, using the modesty of others for their own benefit.
Modesty is not a character trait or, it manifests itself in behavior and reflects its certain line, and the motives for such behavior can also be different. A modest person can be from nobility or from the fact that he sincerely does not consider his merits to be outstanding, or maybe from or inability to present himself hiding behind a mask of modesty, waiting for others to present him. Many, knowing how much others value modest displays, can act only partially in the presence of the necessary person, whom they have to impress, while the rest of the time be brazen and loose. This is not true modesty, just as kindness pursuing its own selfish goals is not true kindness.
Modesty vs Shyness - What's the difference?
Modesty and shyness are often confused, and some consider these concepts to be synonymous, while being deeply mistaken. Modesty is responsible for a conscious line of behavior, and shyness refers to emotional experiences that are not subject to control. A person can be modest and not shy, as well as being shy but not modest - the two do not go together and are not interchangeable. If, while leading a modest lifestyle, a person does not show his goodness and achievements out of unwillingness, including the conscious sphere, then in case of embarrassment this will be caused by fear (to attract attention, not withstand criticism, etc.).
Shyness arises from uncertainty and such a person is more likely to remain silent and listen carefully to the interlocutor in order to correct his statements in accordance with someone else's point of view.
Modesty is always confident and a modest person listens to another out of sincere interest, and changes his mind only after the facts, and not out of a desire to please. A shy person remains open when interacting, although he does not put his personality in a priority, shyness can make a person avoid social contacts and new experiences. The first is about development and constant learning from the outside world, the second is about fear of the new and closed doors of opportunity.
Modesty can be learned or unlearned, its level and spheres of manifestation can be controlled, while shyness is a character trait and such changes will require much deeper inner work than adjusting a line of behavior. In order for a person to begin to be shy or stop, a series of corrective events are needed, either frustrating and traumatic, forcing them to hide, or corrective and stabilizing, helping to begin to actively manifest themselves in the external environment.
Disadvantages of modesty
In many places, modesty is presented in a favorable light and as one of the most desirable qualities, but, as in any concept, there are shortcomings and difficulties that sometimes interfere with a person.
Think about who extols modesty as a positive trait - usually these are people who benefit from your obedience (parents, teachers, church), those who themselves do not perceive the differences of others and strive to create a gray, unremarkable society. Once upon a time, such a strategy of behavior helped to survive, because even in the days of socialist power (and this generation of our grandmothers) it was dangerous to stand out, and all the benefits and skills were hidden, because they could entail punishments incompatible with life.
But modesty does not contribute to one's own advancement and realization - look at all the famous personalities, read their biographies - they all loudly declared themselves and their skills, at every corner, until they were finally heard, and when they became noticeable, they grabbed the opportunity but modestly refused. Excessive modesty ruins a career, while such a person helps others, is silent about his successes, a less effective and less modest employee receives another raise and an increase in salary. Their projects are recognized as the best simply on the basis that often no one knows about the ideas of modest people or they learn from immodest friends who shout about the presence of a brilliant idea from their acquaintance.
How to get rid of modesty
After analyzing your own life, you may encounter that it is precisely the negative aspects of the manifestation of modesty that are the majority, and then the question of how to get rid of it becomes relevant, but it will be more natural not to completely eradicate, but to reduce the number of manifestations or identify the most suffering areas and work with them. The influence reduction approach is less traumatic for the psyche, since with a complete and abrupt restructuring, there is a high chance of a quick return to the previous state. It is best to initially get to the bottom of the causes of excessive modesty, to understand whose words have sunk into the soul from early childhood and to correlate these requirements of behavior with the current situation in life. If your grandmother talked about modesty as the best feature of a girl to get married, and you developed it in communicating with men to such an extent that you became an invisible or cold wall, then think about whether your grandmother meant this level and whether those requirements men now as then.
Try to express yourself more often, express your opinion - even if you make a mistake, everyone will disagree with you, you will have to defend your position for a long time, speak anyway. You can try to talk to strangers, and if you know that you always give up the leading role in a conversation, then specially start communication first. The fear of losing people's favor is easily leveled by your smile and a direct statement that you are pleased to communicate or it is interesting to hear a different opinion from yours. As well as when communicating, try to show exactly your own - in clothes and choice of places, listening to music and emotional reactions. There is no crime in going out in a short skirt or a yellow scarf, laughing at an important meeting or rejoicing loudly in a quiet place - perhaps by your example you will liberate a few more people nearby, and thanks to the manifestation of your individuality, they will pay attention to you. And here's what's important - those who are interested, such as you, real, and not feigned, will pay attention, which can open up new opportunities.
In yourself, with small overcomings every day - you don’t need to immediately climb onto the stage and tell the audience of many hundreds what a wonderful person you are, but to be the first to meet a few people, tell at work that you have come up with a new project, tell random acquaintances at a party about your occupation and about myself as an excellent professional - those things, the practice of which every day will help to overcome both excessive modesty and the problems associated with your invisibility.
by Notes of the Wild MistressSpeaker of the Medical and Psychological Center "PsychoMed"
Trying to understand this concept, I looked into dictionaries and encyclopedias. I read there that modesty is synonymous with meekness, which means: meekness, meekness, good nature, peacefulness, gentleness, humility, modesty, humility, patience, compliance, spinelessness. To be honest, I didn’t like this definition, and I decided to ask my friends and acquaintances what modesty is in their opinion. The answers were astounding in variety. I tried to organize them, and this is what happened:
1. Modesty - awareness of the rights of others and an adequate attitude towards them.
2. Modesty - living in harmony with your desires and capabilities.
3. Modesty is a way to learn from others what we really are worth.
4. Modesty - inner purity and chastity, as well as the ability to preserve and protect this purity
And this list goes on. As usual: how many people - so many opinions. True, almost everyone was unanimous in one thing - that modesty is CONVENIENT for others, but not always pleasant for the person himself, who does not know how to defend his interests, or who, due to some internal restraining factors, decided not to do it.
It all starts in childhood. "He's so humble!" - we hear the opinion of parents or teachers about some quiet and good boy, and we get a false idea about this category of morality. Most often, politeness and good manners, the ability to behave are implied. And silence, which may well feed on some complexes, timidity and indecision.
With age, children's complexes, unwillingness to ask questions so as not to seem stupid, inability to speak in public, the desire to get lost in the crowd so as not to fall into the spotlight, intensify, which, subsequently, can seriously complicate life. Such people often feel lonely, do not know how establish contact with loved ones, become isolated in their own difficulties. This has nothing to do with modesty, and, often, the help of a psychologist is required here.
Modesty and shyness are different concepts, although they often go hand in hand with each other. Shyness, in fact, often does a disservice, for example in a job interview, when you are unable to clearly, without excessive ambition, but confidently describe yourself.
And someone, just more frisky, active, although clearly inferior to you in qualifications, managed to “give the goods a face” and intercept a good place. A more determined friend took the girl out from under his nose because you did not have the courage to explain it to her. And there are many such situations. Where is the line between modesty, which, as they say, "becomes everyone" and indecisive shyness, which complicates our lives? Here, at work, an active colleague skillfully presents the results of common work in such a way that they give him a raise, and not you. And the award is more often received by those who are in sight. Can from modesty alone problems? And is it worth envying shamelessness and arrogance, which, according to many proverbs, is “second happiness”?
Modesty in the best sense of the word is a rare quality in our time. And this is not surprising. Instinctively, we think of ourselves first. We are more concerned with our own, personal interests than with the interests of others. But we often lack the determination or strength to defend them. It turns out that excessive shyness, lack of initiative are these indicators of our statement? A kind of expectation of a "strong hand" to guide us through life?
Or maybe modesty is respect for someone else's envy? Well, in order not to awaken the worst qualities in people, not to stick out their own dignity and good luck? Maybe this is the ability not to put pressure on the interlocutor with your virtues? That is, clearly aware of the limit of what is permissible and respect each individual? Then modesty is a grown self-awareness, a sense of dignity and self-sufficiency, which comes with self-knowledge and great life experience, when a system of values is clearly formed.
In any case, even without being aware of clear criteria, we subconsciously strive to communicate with modest people, because we experience peace of mind and peace of mind next to them, which is so valuable in our changing world.
The accelerated pace of life and the tightening of the rules of survival are forcing people to adapt to the modern world. Some qualities that were previously considered a stable plus for a person, today began to act as a hindrance. They also include such a character trait as modesty. It is impossible to call it a definitely negative or positive quality.
What is meant by modesty
Modesty is a collective concept that includes several interpretations, depending on the situation. References define it as the ability to restrain oneself, one's needs within certain limits, always remaining calm. Modesty means moderation in all spheres of human activity.
In a collective interpretation, modesty includes:
- moderation;
- lack of craving for excess;
- a complete rejection of the desire to show oneself, manage someone, flaunt one's skills and abilities;
- full compliance with the limits of decency, which are prescribed by certain moral principles;
- calmness, decency in dealing with other people;
- humility, obedience;
- bashfulness.
Shyness is often referred to as shyness, but this is not entirely true. The first is the result of upbringing, the imposition of persistent attitudes, clear rules, and the second is manifested unintentionally, as an innate feature of the personality structure.
Modesty is an acquired habit, or rather a set of reflexes that determine the behavioral line in a given situation. This trait is a component of an adaptive behavioral model that allows one to integrate into any society without attracting too much attention.
In many codes of etiquette, flaunting oneself in any action is considered bad form. But today this quality is unlikely to be too useful if used to the fullest. A modest person may not brag about his virtues, not only because he is noble or does not consider his achievements to be something unique, but because he is waiting for others to correctly present him.
Being Shy Isn't Always Helpful
Modesty is neither a character trait nor a part of temperament. This is a deliberate understatement of one's abilities, hiding them from the general attention of virtues, obedience to please certain people. The goals of such a behavioral response can be very different.
How does a timid personality manifest itself
A modest person and his “positivity” is a stereotype imposed for centuries by those who were in the highest ranks, the church and other instances. It is worth paying attention to the purpose for which timidity was promoted and continues to be done. The superiors need to keep the masses of people in fear and obedience. This is such a psychological move, for many years setting limits in the subconscious, which are difficult to step over later.
If we take an example from the times of serfdom, then the servants had to be well-trained, to show obedience, but the owners were by no means modest people. Not a single poet, writer, musician, singer, artist, politician could achieve a position in society and recognition of his talent, being a timid person.
A humble person is essentially a hypocrite. He is not able to say what he thinks, because he is accustomed to say only the necessary things, to pronounce memorized phrases, to be more interested in the person of the interlocutor than in his own. Many modest people do follow the rules, knowing full well that they will be accepted in a certain society and presented in the right light.
Shyness leads to the degradation of personality. An individual is not able to develop normally in terms of spiritual, sexual, to learn. A modest individual will not be able to occupy a dominant position, because, according to all the rules of decency, he should not be subject to such sinful thoughts. There is no need for a modest person to get an education either - it is impossible to put talents on display.
In terms of communication with the opposite sex, a modest person also adheres to certain attitudes. If at first it excites the mind of the second half, then nothing changes over time, the spouse remains a cold statue. But everyone has their own needs for love and affection.
No progress is foreseen in the work either. While the modest fellow helps his neighbor, the more tenacious employee is already moving up the career ladder. Denying himself simple everyday trifles, following the imposed guidelines, not developing, a timid person dooms his children to this. He is building a zombie society that does not try to stand out, but blindly follows the ruler into the pit, meekly submitting to his will, because it is right.
Shy people find it harder to move up the career ladder
When timidity forms
They say differently about modesty if it developed out of shyness. In this state of affairs, a person develops a fear of people. Many children become shy by the age of 2, hide behind their mother's skirt, look down at the sight of an unfamiliar person. It looks nice, but without proper adjustment, such behavior, and most importantly, the reaction that provokes it, becomes the norm and significantly reduces the quality of life of an adult individual.
In such a person, a conversation with an unfamiliar person causes fear. She is afraid to say or do something wrong. The main reason for anxiety is the fear of being ridiculed by other people. This character trait is called false modesty. Due to constant fear, a person is in nervous tension, which leads to various mental disorders and physiological abnormalities.
Where to look for the origins of modesty
Modesty, downtroddenness, shyness, fear originate from childhood. Children are like a blank sheet of paper. They do not know how to properly express their emotions, they do not know how to manage them. Behavioral reactions to stimuli from the outside world are formed by parents. Forcing a child to comply with the canons of society, we often forget that he is an individual. Recall, for example, how in hospitals mothers are told that there should be 10 teeth a year, a child should know a certain number of words and no less, etc. And most importantly - everywhere the word "should".
Remember that the baby does not owe anyone anything. It is the people around who should set an example of correct behavior. Each kid is a bright, positive individual who does not think in stereotypes. With excessive rudeness, indulgence in whims, violent coercion to do what does not work out, we kill the personality in children, adjusting them to a general framework from which falsely modest personalities will never get out.
A humble person is convenient to others. There are no problems from him, he does not ask unnecessary questions, he is delicate and courteous, he always presents his help on a silver platter. But timid people are unhappy, they do not have the opportunity to move, improve and grow spiritually. Not being in harmony with oneself, a person is gradually destroyed as a person.
Humility can lead to a negative emotional state
How to eliminate modesty
The quality of character modesty must be eradicated. You cannot live to please other people. For a person, the natural state is to be adequately selfish and do everything for himself, to improve his future. Communicating with people, an adequate person understands perfectly well that by providing, for example, his financial assistance, he will then receive something in return (not to be confused with disinterested help in emergency situations). This may apply to tangible and intangible values. The modest person refuses any manifestations of himself. He only gives, but receives nothing in return.
- The first thing a modest person needs to do is to think about their desires and aspirations. Learn to express your point of view and refuse people. Always helping everyone, you often lose, justifying this with your modesty.
- Do what interests you. Your well-being will never become stable if you do not start to realize yourself. A person strives with all his being for a meaningful life, therefore he is looking for himself, but there is no need for a modest person - he will come in handy anywhere, he doesn’t care. Sign up for acting classes for beginners or a poetry club.
- Express yourself in creative ideas. Share your achievements on social networks. Share experiences with other users. Gradually reach a new level, trying to promote the work to the exhibitions of emerging artists. This will give you confidence.
Friday, 13 Feb 2015
Modest - moderate in all requirements, humble; meek and undemanding for himself; not putting his personality in front, not dreaming about himself; decent, quiet handling.
Explanatory Dictionary of the Russian Language by Vladimir Dahl
Modesty is the absence of a desire for luxury; for a modest person, a little is enough for comfort.
Humility is the lack of intention to exalt oneself; a modest person is sincerely interested in others no less, and often more than himself.
Modesty is respect for the norms of morality and morality accepted in society.
Humility is the willingness to acknowledge and respect the virtues of others.
Benefits of modesty
Modesty gives freedom - from self-confidence and vanity.
Modesty makes it possible to learn from the people around you, adopting their best qualities.
Modesty provides independence - from excessive comfort and luxury.
Humility provides an incentive - to achieve more; a humble person believes that before people appreciate him as a person, he must achieve results in his business.
Humility in everyday life
Hearing. A person who loves and knows how to listen with sincere interest to the interlocutor is modest.
Concessions. Yielding in ordinary everyday situations, a person shows modesty and respect for others.
Charity. A person who does charity work and does not advertise it demonstrates a number of virtues; modesty is one of them.
Family education. Raising in the child a sincere interest in the people around them, and suppressing manifestations of selfishness, parents bring up modesty in him.
How to achieve modesty
Modesty is largely the result of upbringing and the result of a person’s inner work on himself. Modesty is controlled by a person, and it can be cultivated in oneself, avoiding vanity in every possible way.
Relations with relatives. Showing respect and reverence for elders, interest in equals and concern for younger ones, a person develops modesty in himself.
Interest in the people around you. A modest person is sincerely interested in others; each of them has something to learn. Being interested in people and not sticking out his own “I”, a person learns modesty.
Help for those in need. Helping those who need it, and not expecting return in the form of glory, a person shows modesty.
Indulgence for mistakes. A modest person does not boast of education and does not point out to others their miscalculations; whether it be ignorance of some literary quotation or the wrong choice of cutlery for eating fish.
Golden mean
Vanity, arrogance | total lack of modesty
Modesty
Self-deprecation | absolute modesty, the flip side of pride
Popular expressions about modesty
Excessive modesty is nothing but hidden pride.
- A. Chenier -
One must beware of bringing modesty to the point of humiliation.
- A. Bakikhanov -
Achieve modesty if you want to achieve wisdom. Increase modesty if you have already attained wisdom.
- E.P. Blavatsky -
Be humble - this is the kind of pride that irritates those around you the least.
- Jules Renard -
Rev. Macarius of Optina / Letters of Rev. Macarius of Optina. About humility, self-reproach and patience of sorrows
The Monk Optina Elder Macarius during his lifetime was an example of special modesty and humility. And his letters to the laity are imbued with the same spirit of acquiring true Christian virtues.
Fyodor Dostoevsky / Poor people
Dostoevsky's novel "Poor People" is interesting not so much for its social pathos, but for the vivid image of the modest official Makar Devushkin, which the author managed to reveal in all the beauty and nobility of his soul, using the form of correspondence between the hero and his beloved.
What is modesty? This is an extremely versatile quality. Someone it advertises in the best light, others interfere with life.
On one side of the scale - sweet shyness, feminine shyness, worthy restraint. On the other - awkwardness, excessive modesty and indecision in important matters.
Coming to meet the groom's parents, it's nice to be modest. But getting a job or demanding a salary increase, shyness is not good.
Men will certainly add that modesty is good outside the bedroom: they really like it when angels turn into tigresses after dark. “In the still waters” what is not found, you just need to search well.
What is modesty in appearance? There is such a thing as "modesty of the body." This is a moderate display of his bare parts and juicy details.
As soon as people began to cover themselves with fig leaves and change clothes in the bushes, one can speak of a manifestation of bodily modesty.
The immodest appearance implies a deep neckline, bright patent leather studs and a ribbon instead of a skirt. I remember the joke about Bridget Jones: “Darling Bridget, your skirt got sick and didn’t go to work?”. 
Modest can be not only appearance. Both the behavior and the way of life of many people fall into this category. They are not prone to luxury.
Modesty is the absence of ostentatious demonstration of one's virtues and wealth: physical, mental, spiritual, material. “Boasting is not good” - this is how kids are brought up today.
A modest life is a life without frills. Modest behavior is not only the observance of the norms of etiquette, but also a humble attitude towards life in general.
Of course, a modest fellow will not throw his legs on the table, shout loudly in church and swear like a shoemaker.
He also has a tendency to not want to draw attention to himself. Modest people are rarely in the center of the crowd.
They do not brag about their successes, do not flaunt their achievements and merits. It is unlikely that they could become presidents and pop stars. Public success and modesty don't go together..
It is believed that modesty makes a person beautiful. However, in any quality, a sense of proportion is important. Imagine a situation where a guy's parents meet his fiancee.
If she comes in in a nightgown instead of a dress, drinks a glass of wine in one gulp, starts singing songs and telling jokes, they will probably get scared.
And if he sits without raising his head, is afraid to answer questions, nervously fiddles with his purse and does not support the conversation, will it be successful? In 80% of cases, they will fall in love with a moderately modest girl who communicates politely, smiles shyly and is decently dressed.
No one will argue that excessive boasting does not paint a person. But sometimes the presence of "active conceit" about his person helps to achieve heights.
If a person declares to everyone that he is very capable, pretty smart and beyond measure handsome, others begin to believe in it.
And others, much more talented, but modest, remain sitting as gray mice behind office partitions. Yes, and the second half to discern a kindred spirit through shyness is not easy.
If you notice that too much modesty hurts you, try to keep only its good sides with you. Learn to communicate with people, openly smile at them, ask questions and answer in detail without trembling in your voice.
Rehearse your speeches, practice in close company (for example, making a toast at a banquet), speak in public.
Chat with strangers - cashiers, consultants, mothers at the playground, taxi drivers. Perhaps one day you will like to shine in the spotlight, and success will intoxicate you!