Low self-esteem. High self-esteem causes

To form students' ideas about self-esteem, its importance in various areas of human life (communication, health, professional choice).

Psychologist:

Today we will talk about self-esteem and its role in human life. Can you tell me what self-esteem is? How do you understand it?

The scenario provides suggested student responses to help you better understand the process of deploying the activity.

Students:

This is when a person evaluates himself, evaluates himself.

Psychologist:

And what is self-esteem? How can people evaluate themselves?

Students:

The rating is bad. A person evaluates himself too critically, low.

Psychologist:

We can in this case say that a person's self-esteem is low. How else do people rate themselves?

Students:

Too good. They consider themselves better than others.

Psychologist:

In such a case, when a person evaluates himself too well, i.e. too high, we can talk about high, inflated self-esteem.

Is there an intermediate state between low and high self-esteem?

If yes, what is the name of such self-assessment?

Students:

Normal.

Psychologist:

Normal, i.e. adequate, appropriate self-esteem. The person evaluates himself realistically. Let's see how it looks like how people evaluate themselves on the graph.

Psychologist:

Do you think that ideal people exist in nature? People who have only "pros"?

Students:

Yes. No. That doesn't happen. I am the perfect person!

Psychologist:

Are there people who have some flaws? One "cons"?

Students:

Yes, they are criminals. No, and criminals have too good qualities, just a little.

Psychologist:

As you can see, opinions are divided. But how does the formation of self-esteem actually occur? How does a person perceive himself, giving himself an assessment?

Work continues on the board on the chart.

Psychologist:

How does a person with low self-esteem rate themselves? What does he see first of all in himself: pluses or minuses?

Students:

Psychologist:

Does he have any advantages?

Students:

Psychologist:

And what prevents him from seeing the advantages in himself?

Students:

Perhaps a negative attitude towards yourself.

Psychologist:

Thus, we see that a person with low self-esteem sees in himself, first of all, only his minuses, i.e. disadvantages: oh how ugly I am, oh how awkward, clumsy I am, etc.

Cons” are drawn on the graph and circled.

And the pluses, i.e. virtues, because they exist, do they exist? How does a person with low self-esteem react to compliments, to praise? Does he accept it?

Students:

No. He can say he doesn't have it. And if something happened, then it was by chance, lucky.

Psychologist:

That is, pluses - he rejects virtues. And what does a person with high self-esteem see in himself first of all?

Students:

Work continues with the schedule, pluses are drawn for a person with high self-esteem.

Psychologist:

And what do you think, how does he relate to his minuses, shortcomings?

Students:

He thinks he doesn't have them. He sees weaknesses as his strengths.

Psychologist:

That is, a person with high self-esteem recognizes in himself the presence of only pluses, but he has no minuses.

The advantages of high self-esteem are outlined on the board.

Let's now see how a person with adequate, normal, self-esteem perceives himself. How does he feel about his shortcomings, minuses?

Students:

He recognizes his positive qualities. He does not suffer from the fact that he has something wrong with others: something is missing, or he does not know how to do something, or does something worse.

Psychologist:

We can say that a person with adequate self-esteem accepts himself as he is: so what if I can’t skate, but I draw cool.

On the graph, the psychologist outlines with chalk all the pros and cons of adequate self-esteem.

Psychologist:

Guys! How do you think self-esteem can affect a person's life?

Students:

Harmful. Prevents being happy, lucky. Helps to overcome difficulties. Helps to take a position in society.

Psychologist:

Yes, that's right. Self-esteem affects a person's life quite strongly, covering its various aspects: health, communication, choice and goal achievement. Let's see how this influence occurs, in what way it manifests itself.

Students of each row will work with one or another type of self-esteem (underestimated, adequate, overestimated). In addition, students of one row are additionally divided into three more groups, according to the number of positions studied (health, communication, goal selection and its achievement). As a result, 9 small groups are formed.

Each group receives a card to work with.

In order to make the work of the children more productive, they are offered, as auxiliary material, a selection of statements reflecting the characteristics of health, relationships, success in life, etc., of people with different self-assessments.

How students work in groups.

1) Assignment to small groups.

1. Within 5-7 minutes, think over the answers to the questions posed, write them down in a table and formulate a conclusion, writing it also at the bottom of the table.

2. Each small group presents the results of their work. A discussion is being organized.

2) Assignment to groups-rows

The guys in each row are invited to summarize the work of small groups, taking into account the additions made during the discussion, and draw up a portrait-characteristic for each type of self-assessment, reflecting the following points:

• leading character traits;
• attitude towards life in general;
• self-realization in life.

Runtime 10 minutes. At the end, the results are read out.

Psychologist:

Let's see what your self-esteem is today. After all, you have to solve a very important problem - to choose a profession. And self-esteem can be important. If you are not satisfied with the result of the diagnosis, then the next topic of our conversation may be the question of how to achieve the desired self-esteem.

Testing is underway. Test "Self-assessment".

Interpretation of the results by a psychologist.

Completion of the lesson.

Literature

1. Kondratieva O.G., Latyshenko O.N. Diary of professional self-determination. Student aid. - Irkutsk: Vladimirovka Education Center, 2004.

Only people of average moral qualities can adequately evaluate themselves.

Boris Akunin. black city

... to underestimate oneself is the same deviation from the truth,

as well as an exaggeration of their own capabilities.

The Adventures of Sherlock Holmes

Adequate self-esteem as a quality of a person is a tendency to objectively evaluate oneself and one's abilities, to have adequate ideas about the importance of one's personal activity among other people, one's own qualities and feelings, advantages and disadvantages.

One day, two sailors set off on a journey around the world to find their destiny. They sailed to the island, where the leader of one of the tribes had two daughters. The eldest is beautiful, and the youngest is not very. One of the sailors said to his friend: - That's it, I found my happiness, I'm staying here and marrying the leader's daughter. — Yes, you are right, the eldest daughter of the leader is a beauty, a clever one. You did right choice- get married. You don't understand me, friend! I am marrying the chief's youngest daughter. - Are you crazy? She's like... not so much. This is my decision and I will do it. The friend sailed on in search of his happiness, and the groom went to woo.

I must say that in the tribe it was customary to give cows for the bride. A good bride cost ten cows. He drove ten cows and approached the leader. “Chief, I want to marry your daughter and I give ten cows for her!” - This is a good choice. My eldest daughter is beautiful, smart, and worth ten cows. I agree. No, chief, you don't understand. I want to marry your youngest daughter. - Are you joking? Can't you see, she's just so... not so good. - I want to marry her. — Okay, but as an honest person, I can't take ten cows, she's not worth it. I'll take three cows for her, no more. — No, I want to pay exactly ten cows. They merried. Several years passed, and the wandering friend, already on his ship, decided to visit the remaining comrade and find out how his life is. Sailed, walks along the shore, and towards the woman of unearthly beauty. He asked her how to find his friend. She showed. He comes and sees: his friend is sitting, the kids are running around. - How are you? - I'm happy. This is where the beautiful woman comes in. - Here, meet me. This is my wife. - How? Are you married again? No, it's still the same woman. But how did it happen that she changed so much? - You can ask her yourself. A friend approached the woman and asked: - Sorry for the faux pas, but I remember what you were ... not very much. What happened to make you so beautiful? “I just realized one day that I was worth ten cows.

Adequate self-esteem is the ability to be aware of oneself and one's place in the world with a sufficient degree of objectivity. Adequate, being between two extremes - overestimated and underestimated self-esteem, correctly evaluates himself, forms a balanced and accurate idea of ​​himself. He knows his own merits, but, without engaging in self-deception, he also knows about his own shortcomings, realizes when he does a good and when a bad deed, when his behavior is worthy of respect, and when not.

Adequate, as a rule, is pleased with himself, he is not inclined to prove something to someone, “tear his vest on himself,” that is, you won’t take him to: “Are you weak?” Adequate knows his own worth and evaluates himself independently without attaching special importance to the opinions of others. Estimates of the outside world are not of decisive importance for him.

The decisive criterion for adequate self-esteem is the feasibility of the goals, intentions and plans of a person. People with adequate self-esteem respect themselves and others, value their individuality and self-sufficiency, make decisions without much effort, are not afraid of change, perceive mistakes as valuable life experience.

Adequate self-esteem involves a correct assessment of one's capabilities, abilities and position in life. It is determined by a psychologist by analyzing the real and desired (ideal) claims and capabilities of a person. A high level of self-esteem is usually characteristic of successful, self-confident people who set realistic goals and have enough strength and ability to achieve them.

Adequate self-esteem is a full-fledged candidate to join the ranks of mature, holistic personalities. Psychologist Lyudmila Ovsyanik, exploring the techniques that are worth mastering in order to obtain adequate self-esteem, writes:

1. Stop comparing yourself to other people. There will always be people who have more than you and there are people who have less than you. If you make comparisons, you will always have too many opponents or opponents in front of you that you cannot surpass.

2. Stop scolding and blaming yourself. You will not be able to develop adequate self-esteem if you repeat negative statements about yourself and your abilities. Do you talk about your appearance, your career, relationships, financial situation, or any other aspect of your life, avoid self-deprecating comments. Correction of self-esteem is directly related to your statements about yourself.

3. Accept all compliments and congratulations in return "thank you." When you respond to a compliment with something like “yes, nothing special”, you are rejecting this compliment and at the same time sending yourself a message that you are not worthy of praise, forming a low self-esteem. Therefore, accept praise without belittling your dignity.

4. Use affirmations (statements) in order to strengthen self-esteem. Put on a commonly used item, such as a plastic card or wallet, a statement like: “I love and accept myself” or “I am an attractive woman and deserve the best in life.” May this affirmation always be with you. Repeat the affirmation several times throughout the day, especially before going to bed and after you wake up. Whenever you repeat an affirmation, focus on positive emotions. Thus, the impact effect will be greatly enhanced.

5. Use self-esteem building seminars, books, audio and video recordings. Any information you allow into your mind takes root there and influences your behavior. If you watch negative TV programs or read crime stories in the newspapers, you are likely to be in a cynical and pessimistic mood. In the same way, if you read books or listen to programs that are positive in nature and capable of building self-esteem, you will acquire qualities from them.

6. Try to communicate with positive and confident people who are ready to support you. When you are surrounded by negative people who constantly suppress you and your ideas, your self-esteem goes down. On the other hand, when you are accepted and encouraged, you feel better and your self-esteem as a person is strengthened.

7. Make a list of your past accomplishments. The list may include small wins, such as learning to snowboard, getting a driver's license, hitting the gym regularly, etc. Review this list regularly. As you read your accomplishments, try to close your eyes and feel the satisfaction and joy you once had.

8. Make a list of your positive qualities. Are you honest? Selfless? Helpful to others? Creative? Be kind to yourself and write down at least 20 of your positive qualities. As with the previous list, it is important to review this list often. Many people focus on their shortcomings, reinforcing their low self-esteem there, and then wonder why everything in their life is not as good as they would like. Start focusing on your strengths and you will be much more likely to achieve what you want.

9. By helping others, you begin to feel like a more valuable individual, and your self-esteem is strengthened and your mood rises.

10. Try to do what you like. It's hard to feel positive about yourself if your days are spent at a job you despise. Self-esteem is strengthened when you are engaged in work or activities that bring you pleasure and make you feel more valued. Even if your work does not quite suit you, you can devote free time some hobbies that bring you joy.

11. Be true to yourself. Live your own life. You will never respect yourself if you don't spend your life the way you want to spend it. If you make decisions based on the approval of your friends and family, you are not true to yourself and you will have low self-esteem.

12. Take action! You will not be able to develop an adequate level of self-esteem if you sit still and do not accept the challenges that arise in front of you. When you act, regardless of the result, your sense of self-esteem grows, you feel more pleasant feelings about yourself. When you procrastinate due to fear or some other anxiety, you will only feel upset and sad feelings, which, of course, will lead to a decrease in self-esteem.

And remember: You are a unique person, with great opportunities, with great potential. As your self-esteem grows, your true abilities will be revealed. Most importantly, adequate self-esteem will bring you peace of mind and you will truly appreciate yourself.

Petr Kovalev 2014

Opinions are high, but deeds are low.

Russian proverb

Inflated self-esteem as a personality trait is a tendency to have inflated ideas about the importance of one's personal activities among other people, one's own qualities and feelings, advantages and disadvantages.

Two friends are talking. One asks: - Listen, how are things with your self-esteem? He answered him: - Yes, not really ... We are Gods, a simple people ...

Inflated self-esteem is when a person thinks too well of his abilities. Being under the influence of the energy of passion, he overestimates his abilities, personal potential, and his virtues. Daniil Kharms jokes: “Listen, friends! You really can't bow before me like that. I'm just like you all, only better."

There are three types of self-esteem: overestimated, underestimated and adequate. Inflated self-esteem is when, according to authoritative, competent people, it is higher than adequate. For example, an ignoramus, an ignorant amateur with a learned air of an expert, begins to build and teach everyone. This is tactlessness, bad manners and inflated self-esteem.

Inflated self-esteem is a measure of the inadequacy of a person. A person inadequately represents his image and, accordingly, inadequately sees what this image can achieve. For example, a mumbler imagines himself confident and determined. People quickly scan for discrepancies between the real person and their self-image. Inadequate, overestimated self-esteem prevents finding a common language with people. How can you find a common language if they talk to you like a mumbler, and you imagined yourself as a resolute Marshal Zhukov? It is extremely difficult to reach the goal with such a gap.

Inflated self-esteem is the sister of megalomania. Often it asserts itself at the expense of other people's mistakes, miscalculations and failures. The inflated considers himself better than others, thinks that everyone should obey and obey him.

Don't you think you have high self-esteem? “You say that as if it’s my fault that I’m better than you!”

Setting high demands on himself, he often sets himself ambitious, unattainable goals. When a bummer happens with the achievement of goals, he can even get sick. An overestimator ascribes to himself non-existent virtues or overestimates them according to the level of development. It always turns out either above the norm, or above the real existing level.

The overcharge demonstrates a distorted development of self-consciousness, manifested in a lack of strictness towards oneself, arrogance and conceit. Being an adherent of inflated self-esteem, he involuntarily cultivates selfishness, excessive self-confidence and unhealthy selfishness. Natalya Andreeva writes in “Threads of Ariadne”: “Another oddity that amazes me in people. It seems that before looking in the mirror, they stick a picture from a glossy magazine on it and look not at their reflection, but at a Photoshop masterpiece. A girl of quite ordinary appearance sees a fashion model every time and wonders: “Why am I not a star yet?”

It would seem that what is wrong with the fact that a person thinks of himself better than he really is? As a rule, inflated self-esteem is usually a compensation for feeling insecure. In other words, the platform for high self-esteem is usually low self-esteem, which a person tries to overcome by overestimating his merits. Like any compensation, inadequate self-esteem provokes constant efforts to maintain the illusion of success in oneself and other people. Having pumped up his self-esteem, a person temporarily receives competitive advantages, for example, when casting, hiring. Here wins, confidence, ambition, success.

But soon the fake is discovered. It turns out that they have recruited fake confidence and initiative. After a shameful expulsion from work, depression and despondency set in. Self-esteem drops. The person feels like a failure.

There is also a phenomenon described by Irvin Yalom in the book When Nietzsche Wept: “I know many people who do not love themselves and try to improve the situation by getting others to treat themselves well. Having achieved this, they themselves begin to treat themselves well. But this does not solve the problem, it is submission to the authority of another. You must accept yourself - and not look for ways to achieve my recognition.

Here, according to psychologists, are several signs that a person has inflated self-esteem:
Full confidence in their infallibility and correctness in any situation.
Non-recognition of authorities - if someone's opinion is contrary to the opinion of such a person, then this opinion is erroneous for him.
The desire to argue and prove to everyone that he is right.
Absolute certainty that the cause of his problems and failures is someone or something - some circumstances, but in no way himself. Such a person never looks for the cause of the problem in himself.
The desire to be better than others, the desire to gain recognition from others, to be in the first roles.
"Yachstvo" - he constantly uses the pronoun "I" in his speech. (By the way, one of my acquaintances with inflated self-esteem always capitalized the pronoun “I” in letters)
Refusal of help. Asking for help from such a person indicates that he himself cannot cope with something, and this is humiliating for him.
Self-criticism is sharply reduced, and any criticism from another person is perceived aggressively.
Fear of making a mistake, the desire to always do everything better than others.
Painful experience about failures, which, if possible, are carefully hidden from others.

The material world is filled with false self-esteem. We evaluate ourselves at the level of the physical body in the context of strength, beauty, health, youth. But try to evaluate yourself at the level of the soul, and immediately a discouraging result. Souls are all equal, only differently conditioned by some personality traits. For some, the energy of the soul is refracted by meanness, envy, greed. Others are benevolent, compassionate and caring.

Psychologist Vasily Tushkin writes: “And it may happen that people are so used to their assessments, self-assessments at the level of the physical, subtle body that when spiritual knowledge comes to them, it discourages them a little. Imagine that a person at the level of physical self-esteem is big, handsome, young, prominent, wonderful, and the subtle body, in principle, is normal - higher education, maybe a few higher education, and in general he is reputed smart person, and not stupid, and then suddenly he finds out that he is a spiritual being, which is different from both the subtle body and the physical body. This means that immediately, instantly, all these virtues of his on an external level, physical, they cost almost nothing - that's all. Because we say, “I am not the body. I am not a body, I am not… I have a personal soul.” And before God, all these virtues of mine on a physical and subtle level can simply be ridiculous, because they, as it were, are not worth much in the spiritual life itself.

Petr Kovalev

It is better to show signs of overestimation than underestimation. What are the reasons for its appearance?

What is self-esteem? This is an assessment of a person himself. The most surprising thing is that some types of self-esteem are based on the individual's assessment of himself, while others are based on the assessment given by others. Thus, self-esteem is how a person sees himself. What this opinion is based on already affects what kind of self-esteem a person develops.

There are the following types of self-assessment:

• “I +, You +” - a stable self-esteem, which is based on a positive attitude towards others and oneself.
• "I-, You +" - low self-esteem, in which a person shows such a quality as self-flagellation. A person feels worse, lower and more unhappy than the rest.
• “I +, You-” - an overestimated self-esteem based on the search for flaws, hatred of others and confirmation of the position that people around are bad. Usually such a person blames everyone except himself, and considers others "goats", "idiots" and other names.

A person is not born with self-esteem. It develops throughout life. Often it becomes the same as it was with parents, which is explained by the qualities of character and the attitude that a person adopts from his mom and dad.

It is believed that it is better to have an overestimated than an underestimated self-esteem. There are indeed advantages to such self-assessment, which should be discussed on the site. psychological help psymedcare.ru.

What is high self-esteem?

What is high self-esteem? It is understood as an overestimation of one's own potential by an individual. In other words, a person thinks of himself better than he really is. This is why it is said that people with high self-esteem are often out of touch with reality. They evaluate themselves biased, most often they notice shortcomings in others, rather than virtues. To some extent, this can be associated with the reluctance of the individual to see the good in others, against which they will notice their own shortcomings.

Inflated self-esteem means to see only advantages behind you, ignoring the shortcomings. At the same time, other people seem weak, stupid, underdeveloped. That is, a person sees only other people's shortcomings, not paying attention to the existing advantages.

However, not everything is so simple with inflated self-esteem. Its appeal lies in the fact that a person with such self-esteem experiences absolute self-confidence. He does not doubt himself, does not humiliate, does not suppress. He is confident in his own abilities - this is the positive side of inflated self-esteem.

The negative side can be:

1. Disregard for the opinions and interests of others.
2. Selfishness.
3. Reassessment of one's own strengths.

It is noted that high self-esteem, like low self-esteem, can plunge a person into a depressive state. This happens when there are multiple failures. A depressive state can be described as "I-, You-", that is, a person sees the bad in himself and in others.

Signs of high self-esteem

Inflated self-esteem can be easily identified by its characteristic features. The most remarkable thing that catches the eye is that a person rises above those around him. This can happen both at his will, and because people themselves put him on a pedestal. Inflated self-esteem is an attitude towards oneself as God, a king, a leader, and a vision of others as insignificant, unworthy people.

Other signs of high self-esteem are:

• Belief in one's own rightness, despite the fact that evidence and arguments can be given to confirm the opposite point.
• The belief in the existence of only one correct point of view - his personal one. A person cannot even accept that there can be another opinion, especially if it is the opposite. Even if he suddenly takes someone else's point of view, he will definitely consider it wrong.
• Leaving the last word behind. A person is sure that it is he who must draw conclusions and determine what to do next and how things are.
• Inability to apologize and ask for forgiveness.
• Belief in other people's guilt environment in your own troubles. If something doesn't work out, other people are to blame. If an individual achieves success, then it is all thanks to him.
• Constant rivalry with others for the right to be called the best.
• The desire to be perfect and not make mistakes.
• Expressing your opinion even when it is not asked. A person is sure that other people always want to hear his opinion.
• Frequent use of the pronoun "I".
• The onset of irritability and feeling "unsettled" when failures and misses occur.
• Disdainful attitude to someone else's criticism. The person believes that criticism is disrespect towards him, so he does not pay attention to it.
• Failure to calculate risk. A person is always ready to take on difficult and risky business.
• Fear of appearing weak, insecure, defenseless in front of others.
• Excessive selfishness.
• Personal interests and hobbies that are always put in the first place.
• A tendency to interrupt because he prefers to talk rather than listen.
• The tendency to teach others, even if it is about some little things. This happens even when he is not asked to teach anything.
• The tone of an arrogant character, and requests - orders.
• The desire to be the very best in everything, the first. Otherwise, he becomes depressed.

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People with high self-esteem

It is easy enough to identify people with high self-esteem by their arrogant and haughty behavior. In the depths of their souls, they can feel loneliness and longing, dissatisfaction with themselves. However, on the outer plane, they always try to be on top. More often they are not the best, but they always perceive themselves as such and strive to seem to be. At the same time, they can treat others aggressively, arrogantly, defiantly, arrogantly.

If you talk to a person with high self-esteem, you can trace one line - he is good, and other people are bad. And this happens all the time. A person with an overestimation of himself sees only dignity in himself. And when it comes to others, here he is ready to talk only about their shortcomings and weaknesses. If the conversation starts to go in the direction that others are good, and he turns out to be bad in something, then he falls into depression or aggression.

Thus, criticism of them always provokes negative emotions. They begin to react negatively to those who criticize them.

The only thing they expect from others is confirmation of the position that they are superior in everything. This happens through praise, approval, admiration and other manifestations towards people with high self-esteem.

Causes of high self-esteem

Self-esteem begins to form from childhood, so the reasons for its overestimation can be found in improper upbringing. Inflated self-esteem is the result of the behavior of parents who constantly admire, touch and indulge their child in everything. Whatever he does, everything is right. Whatever it is, it's all good. As a result, the child forms an opinion about his own "I" as absolutely ideal and perfect.

Inflated self-esteem in a girl is often hypertrophied when she is forced to take her place in the male world. Often it is based on external data: beauties always overestimate themselves than non-beauties.

In men, inflated self-esteem is formed on the belief that they are the center of the universe. If this is confirmed by the behavior of other people, especially women, then self-esteem grows. Such men are often narcissists.

There are much more people with high self-esteem among men than among women, which psychologists associate with the norms of upbringing of both sexes.

Overestimated and underestimated self-esteem

The opposite of high self-esteem is low self-esteem. Self-esteem is an internal assessment of a person himself, his potential, life position and social status. This affects how he will live, treat himself and others.

• Inflated self-esteem is characterized by an incorrect assessment of oneself in the direction of elevation. A person does not see himself as real, but evaluates a far-fetched image. He considers himself better than others in everything. He idealizes his potential and external data. It seems to a person that his life should be better than others. That is why he is ready to go over the heads of even friends and relatives.
• Low self-esteem is also the result of improper upbringing, but when parents constantly argued that the child was bad and other children were better than him. It is characterized by a negative assessment of oneself and one's potential. Often it is based on the opinions of others or self-hypnosis.

Overestimated and underestimated self-esteem are extremes when a person does not see the real state of affairs.

That is why it is proposed to remove distortions in your character. For example, inflated self-esteem is proposed to be removed by the following methods:

1. Listen to someone else's opinion and consider it also correct.
2. Listen to others silently.
3. See your own shortcomings, which are often hidden behind a screen of inflated self-esteem.

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The formation of inflated self-esteem in a child begins from childhood, when the baby obeys parental upbringing. It is formed on the behavior of parents who admire any little things that the baby shows - his mind, quick wit, first step, etc. Parents seem to ignore his shortcomings, never punish, but always encourage in everything.

The inability of the child to see his shortcomings leads to a lack of socialization. When he gets into a peer group, he cannot understand why he is not admired, as his parents did. Among other children, he is “one of”, and not “the most-most”. This can cause aggression towards children, who may be better than him in some way.

As a result, the child has many difficulties in establishing contacts with others. He does not want to lower his self-esteem, while aggressively treating everyone who seems better than him or criticizes.

In order not to develop inflated self-esteem in a child, parents should understand when and for what to praise him:

• You can praise for the actions that the baby himself did.
• They do not praise for beauty, toys, clothes, etc.
• They do not praise for everything, even for the smallest.
• Do not praise for feeling sorry or wanting to please.

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All people have self-esteem. Inflated self-esteem is in second place in terms of frequency of distribution. It seems that it is better to have it than low self-esteem. However, often the result of inadequate overestimation of self-esteem is a sharp transition to its underestimation.

How to increase self-esteem of a woman and a girl? Self-esteem affects the quality of a person's life. The higher it is, the more.

• Ambivalence 337 Psychology
• Arachnophobia 73 Psychiatry
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Self-esteem

Self-esteem cannot be too much, it can either be enough or not enough. The question of excess self-esteem is raised by people who are not self-confident. Nathaniel Brander

What is self-esteem?

Self-esteem is a value that an individual attributes to himself or to his individual qualities. The system of personal meanings of an individual acts as the main evaluation criterion, i.e. what the individual thinks is significant. The main functions that are performed by self-esteem are regulatory, on the basis of which the tasks of personal choice are solved, and protective, ensuring the relative stability and independence of the individual. A significant role in the formation of self-esteem is played by the assessments of the surrounding personality and the achievements of the individual. It can also be said that self-esteem is a state when a person evaluates himself in different areas, giving an assessment to one or another of his qualities (attractiveness, sexuality, professionalism).

Self-esteem, i.e. assessment by the individual of himself, his capabilities, qualities and place among other people, of course, refers to the basic qualities of the individual. It is she who largely determines the relationship with others, criticality, exactingness towards oneself, attitude towards successes and failures.

A person, living and acting in the world around him, constantly compares himself with other people, his own deeds and successes with the deeds and successes of other people. We make the same comparison - self-assessment in relation to all our qualities: appearance, abilities, success in school or work. In other words, we learn from childhood to evaluate ourselves.

Psychologists view self-esteem from a variety of perspectives.

Thus, an assessment of oneself as a whole as good or bad is considered to be a general self-assessment, and an assessment of achievements in certain types of activity is considered to be partial. In addition, they distinguish between actual (what has already been achieved) and potential (what is capable of) self-esteem. Potential self-esteem is often referred to as the level of aspiration. They consider self-esteem as adequate / inadequate, i.e. corresponding / inappropriate to the real achievements and potential capabilities of the individual. Self-esteem also differs by level - high, medium, low. Too high and too low self-esteem can become a source of personality conflicts, which can manifest themselves in different ways.

Self-assessment has a significant impact on performance and personality formation at all stages of development. Adequate self-esteem gives a person self-confidence, allows you to successfully set and achieve goals in your career, business, personal life, creativity, gives such useful qualities as initiative, enterprise, the ability to adapt to the conditions of various societies. Low self-esteem accompanies a timid person, unsure in making decisions.

High self-esteem, as a rule, becomes an integral quality successful person, regardless of the profession - be it politicians, businessmen, representatives of creative specialties. However, cases of inflated self-esteem are also common, when people hold too high an opinion of themselves, their own talents and abilities, while their real achievements, according to experts in a particular field, seem more or less modest. Why is that? Practical psychologists two types of behavior (motivation) are often identified - striving for success and avoiding failure. If a person adheres to the first type of thinking, he is more positive, his attention is less focused on difficulties, and in this case, the opinions expressed in society are simply less significant for him and his level of self-esteem. A person coming from the second position is less risk-averse, more cautious, and often finds confirmation in life of his fears that his path to goals is fraught with endless obstacles and anxieties. This type of behavior may not allow him to raise his self-esteem.

It is known that a person is not born a personality, but becomes it in the process of joint activity with other people and communication with them. Performing certain actions, a person constantly (but not always consciously) checks with what others expect from him. In other words, he seems to “try on” their requirements, opinions, feelings. Based on the opinions of others, a person develops a mechanism by which the regulation of his behavior takes place - self-esteem.

In each case, before proceeding to work on request, with the help of special techniques a comprehensive study of the client's self-esteem is carried out, his family situation, the system of values ​​that have developed in his / her family and social group are analyzed. The study of the deep layers of self-consciousness allows you to identify the true causes of the problem, which makes it possible to effectively correct low self-esteem

Low (low) self-esteem and its causes

The reasons for low (underestimated) self-esteem of the individual are varied. More often than others, such reasons as negative suggestions from others, or negative self-hypnosis, are noted. Low (low) self-esteem is often due to the influence and assessment of parents in childhood, and in later life - the external assessment of society. It happens that a child in childhood is given low self-esteem by the next of kin, saying: “You are not good for anything!”, Sometimes using physical force. Sometimes parents abuse the "tyranny of shoulds", causing the child to feel hyper-responsible, which can subsequently lead to emotional constraint and tightness. Often the elders say: “You must behave very decently, since your father is a respected person”, “You must obey your mother in everything”. In the mind of the child, a model of the standard is formed, in the event of the implementation of which he would become good and ideal, but since it is not realized, there is a discrepancy between the standard (ideal) and reality. The self-assessment of the individual is influenced by the comparison of the images of the ideal and the real I "- the greater the gap between them, the more likely the person's dissatisfaction with the reality of their achievements and the lower its level.

In adults, low self-esteem of the individual is maintained in cases where they attach too much importance to this or that event, or believe that they are losing in comparison with others. In doing so, they may be forgetting that failure is also a valuable resource of experience, and also that their individuality is no less unique than that of other people. Also important is the question of the criteria for assessment and self-assessment (how and what exactly to assess?). in some, even professional areas (not to mention personal relationships), they may remain relative or not clearly clarified.

Inflated self-esteem and its causes

It happens that parents or close relatives of the child tend to overestimate, admiring how well he (a) reads poetry or plays a musical instrument, how smart and quick-witted he is, but getting into a different environment (for example, in Kindergarten or school) such a child sometimes experiences dramatic experiences, because he is evaluated on a real scale, on which his abilities are not evaluated so highly. In these cases, an overestimated parental assessment plays a cruel joke, causing a child's cognitive dissonance at a time when their own criteria for adequate self-esteem have not yet been developed. Then the overestimated level of self-esteem is replaced by an underestimated one, causing a psychological trauma in the child, all the more severe than it occurred at a later age.

Perfectionism and self-esteem

Perfectionism - the desire to meet the maximum criteria for excellence in certain areas - often serves as another reason for overestimated or underestimated self-esteem. The problem is that the evaluation criteria in certain areas may differ, and it is obviously impossible to achieve excellence in all possible areas (“to be an excellent student in all subjects”). In this case, in order to increase a person's self-esteem (or rather, to make self-esteem more adequate), it is worth highlighting separate areas with more or less general criteria and forming a separate self-esteem in them.

The level of claims in self-assessment

An important point in the study of self-esteem, from my point of view, is the level of claims of the individual. If a person puts forward unrealistic claims, insurmountable obstacles on the way to the goal more often lie in wait for him, he more often experiences failures. The evaluation criteria are usually the current general cultural, social, individual value ideas, perception stereotypes, standards acquired by the individual during his life. In this case, the question arises, are we dealing with self-esteem? After all, a person takes an external assessment for his own and lives with it. At the same time, external assessments are distinguished by rigidity, they are difficult to change, unless a person learns to evaluate himself more adequately.

The well-known formula of the classic W. James: Self-esteem \u003d Success / Level of aspiration,

This means that self-esteem can be increased by either increasing the level of success or lowering the claims.

In reality, things can be more complicated: often people, initially adhering to the approach that they will not succeed anyway, can increase their success, and in other cases, people with low self-esteem literally underestimate their claims to a minimum, but this does not cause an increase in self-esteem. Creative people, driven by dissatisfaction with themselves, often set more complex tasks, tend to strive for improvement, for self-actualization - a more complete identification and disclosure of their personal capabilities.

How to increase self-esteem

There are many ways to boost self-esteem. During practical consultations, we will find methods that best suit your personality. Also, you can now try to change your self-esteem and become a more successful, more self-confident person.

Tips for correcting low self-esteem

Find your positive qualities

Take paper and a pen and write down 5-10 qualities for which you are appreciated and loved by loved ones. Whenever you feel like you can't do it, pick up this piece of paper and reread it.

Stop feeling sorry for yourself

Feeling sorry for yourself, you accept the fact that you are not able to cope with something, that you are helpless, and everything is to blame for the circumstances. You have the right to make mistakes, but be objective - take responsibility.

Keep a success journal

Write down each of your achievements (in any area, whether it be work, hobbies or relationships with a woman / man). Reread your notes periodically.

Plan your affairs

This will help you avoid "no-win" situations that can throw you off balance. It is better to make a plan in the evening, and adjust in the morning if necessary.

Give yourself rewards for activities or work that you avoid due to self-doubt (going public, going to gym etc.). Make yourself a gift: buy the desired thing, go on vacation.

In case of failure, realize the current situation and find positive moments. You lost your job - but you will have time to improve your knowledge or change your profession. The found pluses will save you from depression and help you benefit from the current situation.

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Pros and cons of high self-esteem

When we talk about high self-esteem, some comparison with something reference is necessarily assumed. But psychology is not an exact science. And if so, then it is fair to talk about an adequate or inadequate self-esteem of a person.

High self-esteem - good or bad

Definitely assessing human behavior is quite difficult. It is necessary to know all the prerequisites that induce one or another thoughts and actions, which is impossible. By itself, the division into “good” and “bad” implies a value judgment.

It is the duality of perception that makes it difficult to make an objective assessment. For this reason, the object of study in psychology is man. His feelings, thoughts, experiences, behavior. In this context, the level of self-esteem is difficult to overestimate.

High self-esteem is like two sides of the same coin:

1. Positive side. High self-esteem is a belief in oneself, in one's own strengths. Self respect. Without self-respect, it is difficult to learn to respect others. The vast majority of successful people respect themselves, know their strengths and weak sides. They are well aware of their weaknesses. This knowledge makes them even more resilient in stressful situations and allows them to move further along the path of their cultivation.
2. Negative side. On the other hand, blindly believing in one's own strength, a person can quickly lose the adequacy of the perception of reality. A reckless driver or a gamer are bright representatives of people with excessively high self-confidence and faith in luck and success. It is overestimated self-esteem and inadequate self-confidence that is the cause of illusions that inevitably collapse, mentally exhausting a person.

How to increase self-esteem and self-confidence in a teenager? Read the article.

Of course, high self-esteem is important for the harmonious development of the individual. There are three levels in the evaluation of people themselves:

1. Understated - prefers to take on tasks that objectively lie below his knowledge and abilities. Completed much faster than the allotted time.
2. Overestimated - the tasks that a person traditionally takes on significantly exceed his skills. Constantly fails to complete assigned tasks.
3. Adequate - a person with a high probability chooses tasks that most closely correspond to experience and knowledge.

Speaking of high self-esteem, we mean an adequate level of perception of oneself, where one's capabilities and strengths are fairly accurately assessed. A person is able to take adequate risks, overcoming which increases intrinsic motivation.

Inflated self-esteem is characterized by constant time trouble, failure of obligations and constant blaming others, but not yourself, for failures. Low self-esteem, on the contrary, is a direct path to self-abasement. Obviously, overestimated and underestimated self-esteem are inadequate.

Now, summarizing, we can distinguish between the existence of high and inflated self-esteem. Obviously, high self-esteem is good, and high self-esteem is bad. Possibly bad for others. But, first of all - for the owner of such an assessment about himself.

It prevents a person from honestly looking at himself and accepting himself as he is. And without this, inner growth and happiness of a person are impossible.

signs

A person who evaluates himself objectively has the following features that distinguish a high level of self-esteem:

• respects himself, his inner freedom;
• respects the freedom of others;
• does not follow the generally accepted rules that contradict his understanding of common sense and honesty;
• thinks and acts proactively;
• ready to help, but not imposed;
• can easily ask for help if needed;
• able to set goals and achieve them;
• aware of his strengths and weaknesses, he understands perfectly how to inspire others to accomplish;
• able to lead people.

A person with high self-esteem immediately stands out among people. His inherent proactive thinking helps shape himself as a leader. First of all, a leader for yourself, and then for others.

Do I need to deal with overconfidence?

If it causes unnecessary trouble, then it is necessary. Overconfidence, by definition, involves a very frequent failure of commitments or the constant taking of excessive risks, which can be fraught with serious consequences for many people.

Naturally, sooner or later, the question of correcting such self-confidence and bringing it to an adequate level will arise. Is it possible?

The question is who is the object of the consequences of exercising overconfidence. If the person himself, who has an overestimated self-esteem, suffers from this, then it is quite possible to lower the level to an adequate one. Moreover, there is his desire for it.

1. Analyze each case of failure for the "guilty". Every time the temptation is great to “appoint” someone responsible for mistakes. Assess your personal contribution to failure.
2. Write down your pros and cons on a piece of paper in two columns. Carefully and critically study each plus. Perhaps he is greatly exaggerated.
3. Critically analyze your strengths for real presence. It may turn out that a number of qualities that are attributed to the side of the strong, in fact, are not. Moreover, they can be a rude and aggressive manifestation of weaknesses.
4. Get ready to face yourself. According to Carl Gustav Jung, such a meeting is the most important for each of us. At the same time, we fear it the most. It takes a certain amount of courage.

About self-esteem, the level of claims, their characteristics and relationship, read on.

Often overestimated self-esteem dresses up in a low dress. A striking example manifestations of false low self-esteem: a man complains that beautiful women do not pay attention to him.

The position of the victim, often going along with high self-esteem, gives her the appearance of low self-esteem. A person with a truly low self-esteem would not even think that he is worthy of the attention of beautiful girls.

How to develop self-esteem in a child

In raising children, the first five years of life are the most important. The foundation is laid for the possibility of self-correcting one's behavior already in adulthood.

Before continuing the discussion about the education of an adequate self-esteem in a teenager, it is worth thinking about the etymology of the word “self-esteem”. Parents are well aware of the importance of a healthy appreciation of the children themselves, but too often do the opposite.

Self-esteem means self-assessment of one's actions and their consequences. And moms and dads are too hasty to give their assessment of the actions of their son or daughter, which adversely affects the healthy development of the child's psyche. Indeed, the road to hell is paved with good intentions.

1. Let your child reap the rewards of their own decisions and actions. Of course, as long as there is no threat to life or the risk of serious material costs. The result - the child learns to make decisions independently and be responsible for his actions and shifting them to the elders.
2. If you are annoyed by certain moments in the behavior of children, do not be silent. Tell the child about it. But in no case do not evaluate the act and, even more so, the child himself. Talk only about your feelings. "I am the message" instead of "you are the message". The result - the child understands the level negative consequences his act without "turning on" defensive reactions.

Just two small and simple rules. But by constantly adhering to them, you will not only help the child form into a strong personality with adequate reactions, but also build excellent relationships in the family.

Video: Secrets of a Happy Relationship - High Self-Esteem

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High self-esteem causes

Inflated self-esteem is an overestimation of an individual's own potential. Such self-assessment can reveal both positive influence and negative influence. Positive influence is expressed in the confidence of the subject. Negative influences include increased selfishness, disregard for the point of view or opinion of others, overestimation of one's own strengths.

Often, inadequately high self-esteem in case of failure and failure can plunge the individual into the abyss of a depressive state. Therefore, no matter how beneficial an overestimated self-esteem of a person is, it is still better to try to keep it under control.

Inflated self-esteem signs

An overestimated self-esteem of a person manifests itself more uniformly in comparison with an underestimated self-esteem. First of all, such a person puts himself above others, considers himself a luminary, and all the rest unworthy of him. However, the person himself does not always put himself above others, often the people themselves elevate him, but he is not able to adequately relate to such an assessment of himself, and pride seizes him. Moreover, she can stick to him so strongly that even when the moment of glory is far behind, pride remains with him.

Inadequately high self-esteem and its symptoms:

• a person is always sure of his own rightness, even if there are constructive arguments and arguments in favor of the opposite point of view;

• at any conflict situation or in a dispute, the individual is sure that the last phrase should remain for him and it does not matter to him what exactly this phrase will be;

• he completely denies the existence of an opposing opinion, rejects even the possibility that each individual has the right to his own point of view. If he nevertheless agrees with such a statement, he will be sure of the “incorrectness” of the interlocutor’s point of view, which is different from his;

• the subject is sure that if something does not work out for him, then in this situation it is not he who is guilty, but the surrounding society or the prevailing circumstances;

• he does not know how to ask for forgiveness and apologize;

• the individual constantly competes with colleagues and friends, always wanting to be better than others;

• he expresses his own point of view or principled positions all the time, even if no one is interested in his opinion, and no one asks to express it;

• in any discussion, a person very often uses the pronoun "I";

• he perceives any criticism directed at him as a manifestation of disrespect for his person, and with all appearance makes it clear that he is absolutely indifferent to the opinions of others about him;

• it is important for him to always be perfect and never make mistakes and misses;

• any failure or failure can knock him out of his working rhythm for a long time, he begins to feel depressed and irritable when he fails to do something or achieve the intended result;

• prefers to take only cases, the achievement of results in which is associated with difficulties, while, often, without even considering the possible risks;

• the individual is afraid to seem weak, defenseless or insecure to others;

• always prefers to put his own interests and hobbies in the first place;

• the individual is subject to excessive selfishness;

• he tends to teach the people around him about life, starting with any little thing, for example, how to fry potatoes, and ending with more global ones, for example, how to make money;

• in conversations, he likes to talk more than listen, so he constantly interrupts;

• his tone of conversation is characterized by arrogance, and any requests are more like an order;

• he strives to be the first and the best in everything, and if this does not work out, he may become depressed.

People with high self-esteem

The characteristic of inflated self-esteem lies in the fact that people suffering from such a “disease” have a distorted, in the direction of overestimation, idea of ​​their own person. They, as a rule, somewhere in the depths of their souls feel loneliness and dissatisfaction with themselves. It is often quite difficult for them to form relationships with the surrounding society, since the desire to see them better than they are in reality leads to arrogant, arrogant, defiant behavior. Sometimes their actions and deeds are even aggressive.

Individuals with high self-esteem are very fond of praising themselves, in conversation they constantly try to emphasize their own merits, and they can afford disapproving and disrespectful statements about strangers. In this way they assert themselves at the expense of the people around them and strive to prove to the whole universe that they are always right. Such people consider themselves better than everyone, and others are much worse than them.

Subjects with high self-esteem react painfully to any, even harmless, criticism. Sometimes they can even perceive it aggressively. The peculiarity of interaction with such people contains a requirement on their part that others constantly recognize their superiority.

Inflated self-esteem causes

More often, inadequate assessment towards overestimation arises as a result of improper family upbringing. Often, inadequate self-esteem is formed in a subject who was the only child in the family or the firstborn (less common). From early childhood, a kid feels like the center of attention and the main person in the house. After all, all the interests of family members are subject to his desires. Parents with tenderness on their faces perceive his actions. They indulge the child in everything, and he develops a distorted perception of his own "I" and an idea of ​​\u200b\u200bhis special place in the world. It begins to seem to him that the globe revolves around him.

Inflated self-esteem in a girl often depends on the circumstances associated with their forced existence in a harsh male world and the struggle for their personal place in society with chauvinists in their pants. After all, everyone strives to show a woman where her place is. In addition, high self-esteem in a girl is often associated with the external attractiveness of the face and body structure.

A man with inflated self-esteem imagines himself to be the center object of the universe. That is why he is indifferent to the interests of others and will not listen to the judgments of the "gray masses". After all, this is how he sees other people. Men's inadequate self-esteem is characterized by unreasonable confidence in their subjective rightness, even in the face of evidence to the contrary. Such men can also be called narcissists.

According to statistics, a woman with an overestimation of herself is much less common than a man with an overestimated self-esteem.

Overestimated and underestimated self-esteem

Self-esteem is an internal representation of the subject about himself, his own potential, his social role and life positions. It also determines the attitude towards society and the world as a whole. Self-esteem has three facets. So, for example, love for people begins with love for oneself, and can end on the side where love is already turning into low self-esteem.

The upper limit of self-assessment is an overestimated self-esteem, as a result of which the individual perceives his personality incorrectly. He sees not the real himself, but a far-fetched image. Such an individual incorrectly perceives the surrounding reality and his place in the world, idealizes his external data and internal potential. He considers himself smarter and more sensible, much more beautiful than those around him and more successful than everyone else.

A subject with inadequate self-esteem always knows and knows how to do everything better than others, knows the answers to any questions. Inflated self-esteem and its causes may be different, for example, a person strives to achieve a lot, become a successful banker or a famous athlete. Therefore, he goes ahead to achieve his goal, not noticing either friends or relatives. For him, his own individuality becomes a kind of cult, and he considers those around him to be a gray mass. However, high self-esteem can often hide a lack of confidence in one's own potential and strengths. Sometimes inflated self-esteem is just a kind of protection from the outside world.

Inflated self-esteem - what to do? To begin with, you should try to recognize the uniqueness of each individual person. Everyone has the right to their own point of view, which may be true, despite the fact that it does not coincide with yours. Below are a few rules for bringing self-esteem back to normal.

During a conversation, try not only to listen to the speaker, but also to hear him. You should not adhere to the erroneous opinion that others can only talk nonsense. Believe that in many areas they can understand much better than you. After all, a person cannot be an expert in everything. Allow yourself to make mistakes and mistakes, because they only help to gain experience.

Do not try to prove anything to anyone, each person is beautiful in his own individuality. Therefore, you should not stick out your best features all the time. Do not get depressed if you could not achieve the desired result, it is better to analyze the situation for why it happened, what you did wrong, what is the reason for the failure. Understand that if something didn’t work out for you, then it happened through your fault, and not the fault of the surrounding society or circumstances.

Consider the fact that everyone has flaws as an axiom and try to accept that you are also not perfect and that you have negative traits. It is better to work on self-improvement and correcting shortcomings than to turn a blind eye to them. And for this, learn adequate self-criticism.

Low self-esteem is manifested in the negative attitude of the individual towards himself. Such individuals tend to belittle their own achievements, virtues and positive traits. The causes of low self-esteem can be different. So, for example, self-esteem may decrease due to the negative suggestion of society or self-hypnosis. Also, its causes can come from childhood, as a result of improper parental upbringing, when adults constantly told the baby that he was bad or compared with other kids not in his favor.

Inflated self-esteem in a child

If a child has an overestimated self-esteem of a person and he notices only positive traits in himself, then it is unlikely that in the future it will be easy for him to build relationships with other children, together with them to find solutions to issues and come to a consensus. Such kids are more conflicted than their peers and are more likely to “give up” when they fail to achieve the set results or goals that correspond to their self-image.

A characteristic of a child's inflated self-esteem is his overestimation of himself. It often happens that parents or other significant relatives tend to overestimate the achievements of the baby, while tirelessly admiring any of his actions, intelligence, quick wits. This leads to the emergence of the problem of socialization and intrapersonal conflict, when the child enters the environment of peers, where he transforms from “the very best” into “one of the group”, where it turns out that his skills are not so outstanding, but the same as those of others or even worse, which is even more difficult for a child to experience. In this case, overestimated self-esteem can sharply become underestimated and cause mental trauma in the baby. The severity of the injury will depend on the age at which the child has joined an alien environment for him - the older he is, the more he will experience intrapersonal conflict.

In connection with inadequately high self-esteem, the child develops an incorrect perception of himself, an idealized image of his "I", his own potential and value for the surrounding society. Such a child emotionally rejects everything that can violate his idea of ​​himself. As a result, the perception of reality is distorted, and the attitude towards it is transformed into an inadequate one, perceived only at the level of emotions. Children with high self-esteem are characterized by difficulties in communication.

The child has high self-esteem - what to do? A huge role in the formation of children's self-esteem is played by the interested attitude of parents, their approval and praise, encouragement and support. All this stimulates the activity of the child, his cognitive processes, form the morality of the baby. However, it is also necessary to praise properly. There are several general rules when not to praise a child. If the baby has achieved something not with the help of his own labor - physical, mental or spiritual, then there is no need to praise him. Also, the beauty of the child is not subject to approval. After all, he did not achieve this himself; nature rewards the spiritual or external beauty of children. It is by no means recommended to praise for his toys, clothes or random finds. Feeling sorry or wanting to be liked is also not a good reason for praise. Remember that excessive praise can backfire.

The constant approval of everything that the child does or does not do leads to the formation of inadequate self-esteem in him, which subsequently negatively affects the process of his socialization and interpersonal interaction.

26 comments on the entry “Inflated self-esteem”

Why is “pity not a good reason for praise”? Do not bring up pity in a child?

Hello. I would be grateful for your advice. We’ve been married for 8 years, we got married almost immediately, I have two sons, I’m taking care of the youngest, but still I work part-time baking and sewing to order, I leave the house only with the children to leave no one, I get tired of this, my husband works at his main job during the day and earns money in the evenings until night , there is a mortgage, practically without resting either on weekends or on holidays, so naturally there is no attention all the time, we often swear at home, does nothing, even if he takes a day off, he rests, sleeps or drinks, of course, rarely, but instead it would be better I took up household chores, if I say to do something, then he says “I don’t have time, but I’m working,” and because of this, I often drink him, if we swear, we swear strongly, up to assault on his part, and this even often happens, in last time when he raised his hand to me, I went with the children to my parents, he called that same evening and asked for forgiveness, as usual, after each of his breakdowns, he was very quick-tempered this time already decided on a divorce, how long you can live like this, humiliate yourself, but it hasn’t even been two weeks, I already miss you so much I’ve already forgiven and now we’re going back home (and when we weren’t naturally walking, he drank, after all, he found time for this. I invent a terribly jealous one for myself, but suddenly there is another. And if he doesn’t change and continues to raise his hand, I promise to stop every time, get a divorce, but I can’t, I love

Hello, after reading your story, I was horrified. I'm sure you need a divorce. If a man allows himself to raise his hand against a defenseless woman, this is no longer a man, this is an animal! He has no right to hurt you. I ask you to change your mind, hit once, hit both the second and the third. He does not respect you at all, you are like a housemaid for him, so he has no idea to take you somewhere. Run away from him and don't come back. I understand that it will be difficult alone, but you can cope with these difficulties. Do not be afraid, remember that there are many loved ones around you who are not indifferent to you. I am sure that soon you will find someone who will love and appreciate you. After all, every woman has the right to happiness ...

Divorce, divorce and again ... .. nothing will change! The fact that it walks is unambiguous! Since he raises his hands, it will always be so, why do you need your children to see this. You will be happy.

Good morning, please help with advice.

My husband and I have been together for 2.5 years, of which 1.5 have been married, we have tried to have a child, unsuccessfully for 6-7 months, at the moment when everything began to fail, I was tired out about this, cried a lot, as a result of which, from such negativity constantly emanated from me, at first my husband reassured me, spoke and found words so that I would stop winding my own nerves, and then scored on it, it began to annoy him, and now he does not want children. Because of his decision, conflicts began at home, I asked him to go to a psychologist - no! no! no!

And in recent months, constant conflicts, quarrels over all sorts of little things! He tells me those points that I should change in myself, and only after that there can be a conversation about children, and when I say in response what needs to be changed to him, he does not perceive this, well, in principle, does not want to do this.

I have some helplessness...

There is a feeling that the mother-in-law sets him up somehow against my desires, ideas, principles! For example, she offered a joint purchase of an apartment, or the opening of something in common (all 50/50), to which he did not give me a clear answer, and when I got into a conversation with my mother-in-law, she made it clear to me that they would invest his and his parents’ money where decide (he and his mother), and no matter how I am not destiny.

His mother has an influence on him in everything, and it annoys me very much.

Then the question arose about the rest, his mother calls us to Turkey, but I am very afraid to go there because of the situation in the country, and also because of my parents, who are not so hot with health, and this will be a blow for them, I explained everything to a good husband, what is the problem and why I don’t want to go there, and I can’t go, to which I received the answer “I mean I’ll go there alone”, but in my opinion this is not family like that ...

And I said that this would be a betrayal for me, and that this would affect our relationship, but I actually think that this act will not lead to anything good ...

I don't know what to do anymore!

Hello Vera. You will not change your husband, you will either have to accept him as he is with him life principles and character or diverge.

Regarding the fact that you can not get pregnant - you sounded the alarm early. Be patient, and remember that men cannot stand women's tantrums a priori. Learn to control your emotions and show your dissatisfaction less.

“He tells me those points that I have to change in myself” - You need to listen. This is the only way to save your family.

“I talked with my mother-in-law, then she made it clear to me that they would invest the money of his and his parents where they decided (he and his mother), and no matter how I was not destiny.” - The desire is justified by the fact that the new relatives want to avoid the division of business assets during a divorce, if this suddenly happens. This is their right.

As for the rest, it is up to you to decide. Protect your parents, protect them from unpleasant information.

Thank you very much for the answer.

And how to behave in that situation, if he actually leaves without me to rest with his mother? The only thought in my head is that I will pack my things and leave. In my opinion, this is some kind of betrayal, to leave without a wife when there is an opportunity to go together. I can't find any words for him, key. Inside only pain and resentment

Vera, you need to make a decision - (to go on vacation or not). There is no point in getting offended. Spend time with your parents when your husband is on vacation. They will be glad to see you.

I will tell you from the experience of many people, you will not have life with such a mother-in-law. While she is manipulating your husband, you can not count on anything serious, but immediately pack your things and leave. Sincere advice, run before it's too late. As long as there is time. Otherwise, then you can remain unsatisfied and unhappy and with nothing.

I fully support! Run from this mother-in-law

Hello. I read your story, I hope my advice will help you. Although I am a woman, but in your situation, I am on the side of your husband. You wind yourself up too much, I can assume that you are a very emotional person. Pull yourself together and gradually solve problems. Now there are many clinics where you can solve your problem with your child. No need to get upset, and even more so behave negatively towards your loved one. After all, he has nothing to do with it, he loves you, and therefore consoles. Appreciate your husband, there are very few left like him. As for rest. You need to put yourself in his place. Perhaps he dreamed of visiting this place and imagine with what desire he rushes there. And here you are with your dissatisfaction. Try to find a compromise. As for the mother-in-law .. well, there are already old stereotypes) Since the mother-in-law, then immediately bad. Have you tried to find a common language? Explain to her how much you love her son and that everything is very serious with you, tell her that you are planning children) Then I'm sure she will lay the red carpet for you, just to please you) Analyze your actions, think about the consequences of these actions and that's all you will be great)

I'm pretty sure it was written by a girl!

I quote: “According to statistics, a girl with high self-esteem is much less common than a man with high self-esteem”

Friends, you yourself then believe in it.

This is very easy to disprove!

To do this, it is enough to take one young normal guy, and the same normal girl, let everyone go out into the street and get acquainted with 20 people of the opposite sex with equal age, and the fool would argue, no matter how cool the guy is, he will receive more refusals, and in our time it is a priori.

Your example has nothing to do with self-esteem

Good afternoon! I have such a situation, my husband and I have been together for 10 years, we got married a year and a half ago, we don’t have children and he doesn’t want to yet, but I just dream of children, I’m already 26, he’s 29, the family budget is separate, that is, what I earn is mine and I have to dress for this, pay the rent and periodically buy groceries + I should always look good, my husband's earnings are his earnings, from time to time he just buys groceries. No surprises, no gifts, nothing. I used to make romances, buy gifts, but now I don’t feel like doing anything. Houses are always clean, washed, ironed, food is cooked. At home, he does nothing, neither change the light bulb, nor repair the faucet. Intimate, once a month, or even less often. Every evening he sits on the Internet and we have nothing to talk about with him. On weekends, he can drink quietly with friends until the morning and go to bars. I used to endure all his drinking parties until he began to disappear for a day or two. Now I feel absolutely nothing for him, if only affection. We constantly quarrel over any little thing, he can offend, I began to allow myself the same thing. Now I can even calmly begin to communicate with another man, just communicate, without intimacy, or flirt with him online. I don’t know what to do next, we are both talking about a divorce, but we won’t get to the registry office, and it’s impossible to live like this. I look forward to your advice. Thanks for understanding.

Hello Maria. If you are satisfied with such a life - live on, if not, then try to change it.

Maria, get a divorce and let into your life a person who wants children from you. If a man does not want children from you, then he will find the one from whom he wants, and he will leave you, inside he has his own template of happiness and you do not correspond to him. Why sacrifice your happiness and life for the sake of a person who is not so.

Maria, sweet girl! Of course, at 26 it's time to give birth. But not from a goat.

If already now there is no main component in the relationship between the young - intimacy, it will soon completely evaporate. Just think about it - sex 10 times a year! Do you have a monastic vow of abstinence?

What are you waiting for - demand the fulfillment of marital duty. Every day, every morning. Love intimacy - you will love your partner. As a woman, you are to blame for your abstinences. It's so natural - to catch his morning riser, to live in joy both for himself and for him. He will be grateful to you, he will look for something to please you. I, like you, thought it was natural to endure the lack of intimacy in marriage, to live in constant frustration. Raised children, grandchildren appeared. And kind people suggested - my grandfather is repairing a fence in someone else's garden. In short, I decided that I should have been asked where and what to put his hands on. Eyes opened only by the age of 60. Now I am 64, I live for myself - I am desired every day after 35 years of abstinence, I wake up every morning in my arms. Ah, girls, women, grandmothers - it's so natural - the constant vibration of the uterus is the main energy of a woman!

Divorce, what else to do?! If the key phrase is that you "feel absolutely nothing for him." What.meaning of relationship. Send it to all 4 sides and work on increasing your self-confidence. Otherwise the next boyfriend will be the same

I disagree with the comment that high self-esteem is better than low self-esteem. Both options reflect a misperception of reality. Self-esteem must be ADEQUATE! Then a person is able to be in harmony with himself and others. I am the only child in the family and from childhood I was brought up in such a way that I am the best. Now I am 33 years old and I can say for sure that the only plus of inflated self-esteem is self-confidence. But there are more cons and here are some of them:

1. The feeling that you are the center of the Earth and those around you are obliged to treat you with respect and reverence, hence my touchiness and even aggression follows, if someone treats me with insufficient respect.

2. Feeling that I deserve the best man. It was difficult for me to get married because I believed that only a prince was worthy of me. In addition, having beauty and intelligence myself, I perceived all men below me. And even now, having married a kind and decent man who loves me very much, I believe in my heart that he is unworthy of me and I could find better. Now imagine what it would be like for him to live every day with one who considers herself a queen and sometimes treats him arrogantly. And at the same time, he is a leader by nature and just a wise man who allows me to feel like a queen, but does not allow me to humiliate myself and push myself around. I am very grateful to him for this.

3. Difficulties in communicating with the team. I can't work in large team where you need to obey the authorities. I will definitely enter into a confrontation and still do it my own way. In the end, I found the perfect solution: I am an entrepreneur and work for myself. More risks, but no bosses.

4. I have almost no friends. Who wants to communicate with an egoist who does not like to sacrifice anything for the sake of others, likes to brag about her achievements, has her own opinion on everything. And God forbid even criticize her and not admire in return!

So, self-esteem must be adequate. Thanks to those who read my opus to the end.

I read the comment and see myself. And then there is the “victim” syndrome. This is when you do more for others, wanting to be noticed. And the one to whom he did well does not appreciate, and this is the understatement. I agree: only ADEQUATE self-assessment. There is something to work on.

Super! Thanks for the comment. I see my oldest daughter

Now it is clear that those around them inherently have inflated self-esteem, about women to the point, the society is really male, and therefore a woman, especially in male specialties, has a hard time. Then, based on the comparative evaluation system that is taking shape in our school today, in addition to inferiority complexes, a child can also have self-esteem below the baseboard, and then, in order to compensate for this, a person starts to go out of his way, so please go to the street " a person with high self-esteem, ”well, this is for those who did not give up at the school stage. If the system recognized the individuality of a person, and treated everyone accordingly, and not publicly ridiculed, then it would be a utopian society) And so, guys, inflated self-esteem is normal. Better than understated. You just need to learn not to react sharply to criticism, but try to convince yourself that this will make you even cooler)

I recently realized that I have high self-esteem. Exactly 2 days ago. We went to the pool with my grandson, he wanted to jump off the tower, but he could not. I understand him, because I was able to do it myself the second time. Put. his task next time is to jump. Jumped. When I got home, I saw this picture. The grandson took a kitten (1.5 months old), sat him on the back of the sofa and made him jump. Come on, come on, etc. pushing him to the edge. This is where I got to thinking. Apparently the stress is still there. But in fact, I set him the task, this is my egoism. I myself stumbled it into the corner of the unconscious, but it turns out to win back on my grandson. I agree 100% - only adequate self-esteem.

I completely agree. My friend has inflated self-esteem, I try to explain your idea to him, but he doesn’t get it.

What nonsense. You can also react painfully when you are filled up for nothing or loaded with work that is unusual for you (which was not mentioned in the employment contract), and you feel that that brain simply cannot cope with it.

Self-esteem seriously affects our lives, or rather, the formation of personality and a sense of happiness. A person will not become happy if he has self-confidence, or if he has low self-esteem. Is it possible to enjoy life when you are constantly haunted by guilt and dissatisfaction with your personality?

The impact of self-esteem on life

Self-assessment is a method of personal perception, of one's shortcomings and advantages. If it is at a negative level - this is the path to depressive states, we pay for this with a depressed state, apathy, unwillingness to rejoice. And if it is too high, then this leads to euphoria with fantastic plans, excessive demands and disappointments. The influence of self-esteem can be traced in all spheres of life:

Self-esteem can help realize plans, or it can destroy. In any case, a balance is needed. Exaggerated conceit does not bring benefits.

• career. It is difficult to imagine career growth if a person is embarrassed to talk about his own expectations;
• self-realization. People with low self-esteem have questions like, “Am I worthy? Where do I have the skills for this?
• sexuality and love: "True love is inaccessible to such a gray mouse";
• relations. People think they do too much, or vice versa, they want too little.

If desired, the list goes on for a long time, but the result is the same - self-esteem affects our entire life and quality.

Reasons for low self-esteem

Man's causes are sought in childhood. Negative factors accumulate, they cause problems in adulthood, difficulties in relationships with people, inability to find a favorite business, friends.

A familiar situation for every person is a situation in childhood when a child drops a plate or breaks it, and adults immediately scold him for it and say offensive words. Every adult person was small.

If we do not take into account self-esteem, which is laid down in childhood, then there is another dangerous example. In an adult personality, self-esteem can at one moment fall “below the plinth”. The basis for such a case are negative events in life: financial losses, dismissal, insolvency for a long period of time. But not only reality has an impact on a person's self-esteem, the type of temperament is a serious factor. and sanguine people do not suffer from low self-esteem, they have stability in this. But choleric people suffer from jumps in conceit.

How to increase self-esteem

So, you are confident in your low self-esteem. It's great that you noticed and recognized this, you are interested in how to increase self-esteem. The road is not easy, but it will help you change your own life and inner world. The environment will open up for you anew, you will get what you deserve. You have no idea how many interesting and wonderful things are not available just because you are not confident in your abilities.

First, be aware of your own pros and cons. Make sure you have positive qualities strengths character that will receive positive evaluations and respect.

Try to play a simple game with yourself: do 3 things every day that bring satisfaction, make plans, implement them, live with good mood. In the initial stages, you may need the help of a psychologist, but do not let low self-esteem become a hindrance and forbid you to seek help. You must overcome yourself, then fortune will turn to you, everything around will be filled with bright light and warmth.

Remember all your luck, successful business and projects. Fix this feeling, do not be afraid to experience it again. Understand the reason for failures, you should not assume that serious achievements and benefits are not available to you. Be sure to find a person who will sincerely rejoice at your even small successes. They will be your parents, soulmate, true friend.

Highlight your strengths, identify your weaknesses. Do not focus on the latter, because in order to increase self-esteem, it is important to understand that you deserve the best and can achieve heights in life.

If you see that someone close to you is suffering from such a problem, then it is important to provide support. Take the time to talk, listen and understand his thoughts, praise him for all his achievements, do not criticize him and do not compare him with others. Remain a true close friend. People who have loving friends never suffer from low self-esteem.

But before you start fighting to raise other people's self-esteem, think about it - what is your goal? Do you fully understand how a person will change? What is your motivation - to save the planet or to help a person? You will be responsible for all events, sometimes a situation happens when a person does not appreciate the efforts directed towards him.