Working with borders

Exercise 1 "Violation of space"

This is a diagnostic exercise that allows you to determine how a person behaves in response to external influences. The client lies on the floor, lounging, in a comfortable position, and determines "his space". First, you should examine the position of the client's body: is there any distortion and asymmetry, and if so, in which direction. After that, the therapist violates the client's personal space with varying intensity, observing what the client does and feels while doing so. To do this, the therapist begins to move together and fold the client's arms and legs, each time folding them more tightly. The client must evaluate how his body reacts to the actions of the therapist, how much each subsequent position (more “compressed” than the previous one) is more uncomfortable for him than the previous one, and begin to resist when discomfort appears. Fold the client's arms over his chest, cross his legs and move them until the client begins to actively resist. If it turns out that the client has been experiencing discomfort for a long time and wanted to resist, but endured, this indicates his desire to adapt to circumstances.

The same exercise can be done with the client sitting in a chair or lying on his side, in which case the therapist "folds" him into the fetal position, observing what the client allows and does not allow to do with him.

Exercise 2 "Internal movement".

This pair exercise allows you to measure everyone's personal space. We will try to imagine the boundaries of our personal space and show how we protect them. Divide into pairs and sit on the floor facing each other. To determine the optimal distance between your bodies, one of you will slowly approach, and the other should silently try to stop him - make a retracting movement, move away, etc. What sensations does each of the participants experience in their body?

Now the pairs diverge at a distance of about 10 meters. One participant stands, the other slowly approaches him until he feels that it is difficult to approach further. The partner standing motionless should note to himself when he wanted to say “stop”. What sensations does each participant experience in the body? Where are they located?

Disperse again and repeat the exercise, but this time the participant who is standing still keeps his eyes closed.

Who feels the psychological distance? Who crossed the border of someone else's personal field without feeling it? Who has not reached it? Who felt it right? Who let whom and at what distance? Who is closer, who is farther - and why?

Exercise 3 "Proximity"

Proximity is understood here not as a decrease in the distance between bodies, but as consonance, contact of souls, "tuning to the same wave." Often communication without touching reveals such closeness much brighter.

Break into pairs. Now you will take turns in the roles of leader and follower. The leader interacts with the partner, keeping at some distance, not touching his body, but, as it were, touching his “aura”. The follower, standing still with his eyes closed, reacts to these “touches” involuntarily, as “his body asks”: the muscles tense or relax, breathing becomes free, deep or squeezed, superficial, etc. The leader’s task is to try to identify the distance at which it is possible to influence the partner, causing his involuntary reactions, as well as to feel the nature of the touch, which gives rise to certain reactions. The task of the follower is to track whether he feels the distant “touches” performed by the leader, and to observe his own feelings during the exercise.

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A fairly common problem for many people is ignorance of their own personal boundaries and, as a result, ignorance personal boundaries another man. What does this entail? Before answering this question, let's understand what they are in general a person's personal boundaries.

In essence, a boundary is a line that separates a person from other people around him. To put it simply, the boundary determines where I am and where the non-I am. can be divided into two components: the physical boundary and the psychological.

And if everything is more or less clear with physical personal boundaries, since they are determined by the human body (thanks to tactile receptors, we feel touch), then it can be quite difficult to find the psychological boundary, since it is invisible and is determined by the feelings of an individual person.

A person, recognizing his aggressive, for example, feelings (irritation, discontent, anger, anger), understands that another has invaded his territory.

If a person is in poor contact with his own feelings, or, more simply, does not understand his feelings, does not track them, then his psychological boundaries will be poorly defined and poorly recognized both by those around him and by the person himself.

A person, accordingly, will not be able to really understand this "penetration into the territory", nor express these aggressive feelings. He seems to understand that the actions, words, requests of another person cause him at least discomfort, but he cannot say about it.

As a result, the other person will not even know that he has crossed the line, and the first one will either be angry with himself or secretly accumulate anger and resentment against the other and expect that the other will someday guess everything himself and stop causing discomfort.

The consequences of such ignorance of oneself and the inability to express discontent can be different. From the constant feeling of being used in a brazen way by other people to a symbiotic attachment to another person and suffering from the fact that "the beloved does not do what I want."

Thus, a person's lack of personal boundaries is expressed in two forms: a person allows others to freely enter his territory, and a person, without realizing it, penetrates into someone else's territory. The latter, by the way, is often punishable.

Another extreme should be noted - too rigid personal boundaries. Probably, in this case, the person will not suffer from the above, but it will be problematic for him to build close relationships, friendship or love.

An important component of healthy psychological boundaries of a person is their flexibility. Psychological border- This is not a concrete fence around the house. Psychological a person's personal boundaries dynamic and defined by who I am in this moment. What do I feel, what do I think, what do I do, what do I want?

Blurred boundaries, attempts to violate the boundaries include the following situations:

you cannot refuse a request that is difficult/uncomfortable/unprofitable for you to complete (that is, you don’t know how to say “no!”)
friends, acquaintances, parents tell you how to live, how to raise children, how to build relationships with your husband / wife, what to wear, what to do, what not to do, etc.
you are not using your personal time as you would like
other people allow themselves to open your personal mail, read correspondence
you endure regular humiliation and insults in your address
you endure physical abuse
you feel responsible for other people's feelings
You feel a strong sense of guilt if you are unable to complete the request
you are afraid to express your disagreement
you're trying to be "good"

Some of these points apply to reverse side. That is, if you behave in this way in relation to other people, you violate other people's boundaries. More precisely, in relations with these people or a specific person, the boundaries are blurred. It is difficult to talk about a violation here, because it is impossible to cross the line that does not exist.

The ability to feel one's boundaries, to defend them, to feel the boundaries of another person is laid down in childhood. At first, the baby does not feel separate from the mother. As the child develops, he begins to understand that the mother is a different person.

As the baby begins to crawl and later walk, he increasingly seeks to disconnect from his mother in order to explore the world around him, returning to her for support as needed. If this process is successful, the child gains a sense of autonomy.

Unfortunately, this is not always the case. It happens that a mother interferes with the desire for independence and takes great care of her child, or she rejects him when he seeks support and comfort, or both. As a rule, this attitude towards the child persists throughout the entire process of growing up.

How it might look:

Parents are not sensitive to the needs of the child, do not take into account his opinion and desires regarding himself, do not allow him to make decisions independently

Like the old joke:

- Izzy, go home!
Mom, am I cold?
No, you want to eat!

The mother is in symbiotic fusion with her child, does not perceive him as a separate person. Outwardly, this can manifest itself in the often used inappropriate "we": we went to school, we entered the university, we love the theater, etc.

As a result of such an attitude, the child does not learn to understand his feelings, needs, desires. He gets used to the fact that the other person decides for him, what he feels, wants or does not want, what he needs. Growing up, such a person will rely on the needs of others, satisfying them in the first place.

Parents shame the child for the manifestation of aggression, anger, when the child tries to defend something that belongs to him. For example, does not want to share a toy.
Parents place the responsibility on the child own feelings and actions, forcing him to feel guilty for not living up to their expectations. Typical phrases: “You upset your mother”, “You embarrass me”, etc. This also includes a demonstrative expression of resentment on the part of parents.
Parents reject the child if he commits “bad” acts or if he tries to act in his own way: they condemn him as a person, reproach him, punish him with silence.

With such an attitude, the child is deprived of the right to defend his own, there is a fear of the expression of negative emotions, and of any expression of the real self, as this automatically makes him “bad”, leads to the loss of parental love.

Parents do not give the child a place for personal space (separate room, bed, table, closet, etc.) or constantly invade it without permission.

The child gets used to the fact that everything around is "public", and does not learn to see and respect his own and others' boundaries.

Parents use physical or psychological violence against the child or each other.

Physical violence is a very rude invasion, before which the child is completely defenseless, it is an open, obvious pushing of boundaries. TO psychological abuse include constant quarrels, scandals, unreasonable nit-picking, total control.

The consequences of such an appeal are multifaceted and are a topic for a separate discussion. Briefly with regards to our topic, the result of such an appeal can be:

inability to defend oneself, compliance, excessive compliance
the formation of the habit of taking revenge on the weaker, that is, the use of violence against others

It should be noted that all of the above processes of interaction can also cause a backlash - a reaction of protest. And then, an adult will react sharply to any attempt to invade, in other words, he will have too rigid personal boundaries.

In this article, we looked at examples of what a person's personal boundaries are, what their main function is, the reasons why some people do not have a clear understanding of their boundaries, do not have the ability to protect them, do not have the ability to feel and respect other people's boundaries. In the next part, we'll take a look at some mindfulness exercises, talk about how to assert your boundaries, and look at the connection between personal boundaries and responsibility.

If you have any questions to the psychologist on the article:

psychological exercises for training

Exercise "Awareness of boundaries"

The exercise demonstrates the effect of focusing attention and awareness on certain areas - the physical boundaries of the body, which occupy an important place in the internal psychological map of a person and are associated with a stable “self-image” (in the language of physiology, called the “body schema”) that affects self-esteem and relationships with others. According to the figurative expression of A. Lowen, & a person is "moored" to reality at both ends of the body: below through contact with the ground, and above - through the crown of the head. A similar approach is used in Taoist psychotechniques, where special attention is paid to the three “ends of the body”:

crown - to enhance the sensation of ascending flows of "energy" (the border "man - sky");
palms - reproduction of the feeling of emphasis in the fingers and palms (the border "person - person");
feet - increased sensation of downward flows of "energy" (the border "man - earth").

Obviously, in the process of age-related formation of the physical “self-image”, the feeling of “boundaries” (or the distinction between “I - not-I”) is one of the initial stages associated with early childhood. Therefore, an important point for productive work with "boundaries", along with concentration of attention, is the transition to a state of childish-contemplative perception. When performing the exercise, a person should strive to feel literally the way a child feels, who for the first time begins to become aware of his own body and the world around him.

Another important point of this exercise is that the feeling of delimitation evoked in it, of separating oneself from the surrounding world, despite the seeming opposite, is close to the meditative feeling of an all-pervading unity with the world.

Initially, the exercise is performed in the supine position, after preliminary relaxation (as far as training is concerned, in an arbitrary position). Attention and with it the breath is directed to the area of the body corresponding to one of the listed "borders". Attention is held in a given area for several minutes. Observe how with each exhalation the breath is “transmitted” to the selected areas of the body, gradually creating in them a feeling of warmth, “energy”. After 3-5 minutes, switch your attention and breathing to the next "boundary" area. After all three “boundaries” have been passed separately, unite them, distributing attention simultaneously to five points corresponding to the figure of a five-pointed star (a modification of the exercise is focusing attention on six points, or two triangles, corresponding to a six-pointed star). It is important to imagine that the body is stretched, as if you are becoming taller. At the same time, there is a feeling of a “stretched string” along the spine. Then imagine that your body is enclosed on all sides in an impenetrable spherical shell. Mentally try to push this “cocoon”, resting on it at 5 points: with your hands, feet, and the top of your head.

The distribution of "body-directed" attention simultaneously to a large number of objects close to the maximum capacity of the channel of conscious perception according to G. Miller - 7 ± 2 units (Miller G.A., 1956) or exceeding it, causes the so-called sensory overload and contributes to the formation of a special state consciousness. In a similar way, it affects the state of consciousness and the alignment of sensations in remote areas of the left and right halves of the body, contributing to the achievement of a balance in the activity of the left and right hemispheres of the brain.

Note. Exercise, in addition to recreational purposes, has an important practical application in Everyday life. It helps a person to quickly recover in situations of sudden stress, when “the earth is floating underfoot” and emotional balance and self-control are lost. It is especially necessary for people who are overly worried about public speaking(artists on stage, speakers in front of the podium or athletes before going to the start). This exercise can be vital for people suffering from panic attacks, which it helps to get rid of the sensations of "impending loss of consciousness." To do this, you just need to take a few deep breaths in and out and switch your attention to each of the described boundaries in turn, starting from the “ground”.

It should be noted that the physical, bodily boundaries of a person (“external body”, according to M.M. Bakhtin) are represented in his inner world (“inner body” according to Bakhtin, or “virtual body” according to N.A. Nosov) in such a way that that are closely related to his communication with others. The boundaries of bodily contacts appear as the boundaries of emotional contacts, sympathy and emotional detachment, the boundaries of isolation and sociability, influence on others and exposure to other people's influence, autonomy and dependence, as well as various stereotypes and internal restrictions through which a person can step over in the process of working on himself. As the experience of body-oriented psychology shows, work with bodily boundaries leads to the improvement of the aspects of personality associated with them, is important tool personal growth.

Everyone has the right to have their own thoughts and feelings, everyone needs their own personal space.
Imagine that your soul is a house. And different people come to it. Each of them has its own goal, its own motives, its own needs. Someone comes with flowers, someone with garbage, someone with a cake, and someone I won’t say what.
And then a person comes in - you meet him on the threshold. And then you need to decide - are you ready to let him in and how far?
If it is immediately clear that a person has hands full of all sorts of dirt, why not leave him where he is? It is not necessary to yell at him and be offended. You can simply close the door by first smiling and saying "No".
You may want to let someone into the living room. Okay, chat there. But is it necessary after good communication to allow a person to dispose of his house at his discretion? After all good man with the best of intentions, he will go and rearrange the furniture. And he didn’t seem to do anything wrong - he wanted to help. But it makes you feel bad.
Why not immediately determine where and how you will communicate? With colleagues and employees - only in the office and sometimes in the dining room. With friends and friends - in the living room. With those who come to us with a sword - on the threshold. And only with those who are close and dear to us, whom we fully trust - we give the keys to the house. Although there is one detail. One pantry, still leave only for yourself.

Each of us should have a purely personal intimate space. Even the perfect wife and mother of three. What to do with that pantry is up to you. Maybe it will be a creative workshop or a beauty salon. Or maybe a library or music room. Fitness center, temple or spa. It is up to you to decide what exactly you will have in this place.

Eat good exercise- "Map of my life", which helps to understand your relationship with the boundaries (and therefore other people!).

You can complete it yourself.

"Draw a map of your life where you and all the people around you are countries. You different sizes you have a different relationship. With someone you have common boundaries, with someone you don’t. With someone you can border on water. With someone you can have some common area- Customs Union or "Schengen Agreement". With someone a simplified visa regime, with someone complicated.

And then look at your drawing and remember what the boundaries were, say, five years ago?

And sometimes it helps to see many things. For example:

Maybe five years ago you had a lot of close borders and connections, a lot of contacts and conflicts. And that is why now you are "oversaturated with communication" and have become ... an island ... Which no one touches or captures.

Maybe, on the contrary, you have moved from a state of isolation to close strong ties.

Maybe your country is constantly captured by other countries, and you do not know how to resist it?

Or maybe you yourself capture everyone around and win back the lands? (it’s hard to admit it, but every person has such a desire - just the scale is different)

Maybe you divide countries into allies, with whom you have simplified relations, and into opponents, with whom you build fences and prepare campaigns against them ...

And when you see the main patterns, it is easier for you to understand where to strive. Do I need to learn to defend myself or do I need to learn to live in peace and not attack. Should I learn to build relationships or should I allow myself to take a break and be alone?

Valyaeva O. "Personal boundaries. Protect and protect"

Personal space is vital for every person. Training, which allows you to understand what it is and what it is for, includes exercises and techniques aimed at self-development. It is possible to change your life in accordance with personal needs and desires if the willingness to work on yourself is at a high level.

It is possible to understand that there is a need for such readiness when life circumstances do not satisfy a person, he notices that the events that happen to him add up, as if according to a memorized scenario, experiences a lot of negative emotions and gets negative experience.

Suffering indicates that the chosen path does not correspond to human nature, and the way of life requires change. If they are about creating and maintaining the boundaries of personal space, then this article will be useful for analyzing your personality and practicing skills.

The training should have a goal, motivation, methods that are understandable, and a presentation of an end result that appears to be satisfactory. These exercises should be performed in complete solitude, in the presence of free time, silence and inner peace.

This topic is the subject of many works of specialists. This training will help not only to better understand this definition, but also to create your own personal boundaries and learn how to protect them.

Every person has a personal space. It includes feelings and thoughts, beliefs, ideas, principles, ideals, desires and needs. Those who believe that it does not exist simply have blurred boundaries. This is manifested in the following: a person is subjected to frequent insults from the outside, allows situations of personal humiliation or violence, often suffers inconvenience, an uncomfortable state in favor of the benefit and joy of other people. Also, the lack of boundaries in a person is manifested in the fact that a person does not see them well in the surrounding people. So, he can undeservedly offend someone, quit, change decisions, not caring about the feelings of others. This is because he is not able to feel the boundaries of those with whom he communicates.

The training will help to understand the reasons why the borders were not built and introduce practical methods, thanks to which you can create them and learn how to protect them.

Training to create and strengthen the boundaries of personality

The exercises will be useful for those who believe that they do not live their own lives, are tired of destructive or dead-end relationships, want to learn to defend their opinions and refuse to play the role of a victim in life.

Exercise "Me and my feelings"

Before doing this training, make sure that all the necessary conditions have been created: a time when no one will disturb you, the absence of extraneous sounds and people, a mood free from stress, anxiety and tension.

You will need a blank sheet of paper and a pen. Take a comfortable position, make sure that the clothes that you are wearing do not cause discomfort. Relax and close your eyes. Stay in this position for as long as it takes for your breathing to become even and your mind free from thoughts.

Imagine yourself as an object that you can be like. Condition: it must be a vessel or container, in a word, an object that has a space inside in which something can be placed. It is desirable that it be empty. It can be a vase, a glass, a chest, a house, and so on. Represented? Now draw the outline of this object on a piece of paper. Only the outline and nothing else. No need to color it or add something of your own. Look at it for a while. It is you. Feel like this item. Stay in this state. How can you be him? If necessary, you can write down your thoughts and feelings.

Now make a list of your feelings that are intense, haunting, suffering. Inscribe them inside the space of the object-itself. It will look like this: my biggest pain is ... my greatest sadness is ... I am sad that ... and so on. The exercise is to write down all the negative feelings that take place in life and cause discomfort.

This technique focuses on recognizing the problem and accepting that there are unexpressed feelings that require work and attention. After working through this stage, a reaction may occur: tears, anger, disappointment, pain, suffering, sadness. Feelings will rise and next important step what will need to be done is to understand what the need arises in response to them. It can manifest itself as a desire to cry, sob, talk about pain or resentment to a specific person, express anger - break dishes, hit with a fist, and so on.

Such exercises imply the obligatory satisfaction of an emerging need. Try to do it qualitatively, but as carefully as possible in relation to yourself or others. That is, if it is anger, then you should not rush to find the person to whom it is addressed and blame him - write him an angry letter or imagine that he is sitting on a chair in front of you, and you can say whatever you want. In the event that there is a desire to hit, make sure that the place for hitting is not a wall or a table. Let it be an elastic pillow, the surface of the bed - anything that will keep your hands from injury.

A person begins to feel his personal space from the moment when he notices feelings, the expression of which he previously had a ban. If after this technique he does not ignore his negative emotions, but protects itself, when its boundaries are violated, they become stronger.

Creation - good way create personal space, learn to appreciate it and protect it.

Exercise "Collage"

To complete this exercise, you will need different magazines and newspapers with color pictures. Prepare scissors and paper. Before you start, choose a topic for work. It can be: my dreams, emotions, feelings, desires, aspirations, thoughts, and so on, the main thing is that the topic meets personal needs and causes positive. Next, you should begin to select pictures that match the topic and stick them in a different order on whatman paper. Well, if you manage to fill out the entire sheet - then the impressions of the work will be complete.

This exercise helps to visualize everything that a person has inside, what he worries about, to realize thoughts or feelings that were ignored, did not find a way out, were not recognized by him or others. Seeing them in front of you means accepting them in yourself, realizing their value. So personal space and boundaries will begin to feel brighter, acquire importance and a person will be able to understand that he and his feelings have value for him and those around him. Do this exercise periodically - change topics, stick on what is important to you - this will help to strengthen your position in life.