Domestic moral violence in the family, how to stop it. Emotional psychological abuse

Violence is the conscious use of psychological pressure or physical force against oneself or other people. Such actions may result in mental injury, bodily injury, mental impairment and other damage. Violent actions by origin are divided into 4 types. These include psychological abuse, the consequences of which are often irreversible.

Violent actions of a moral nature are non-physical pressure on a person, which is carried out in four ways:

1. Emotional control. This includes provocation and manipulation of the subject's experiences.
2. Information control. The manipulator monitors through which information channels the victim receives data (music, books, news).
3. Mind control. The victim obeys other people's attitudes, and not their own thinking.
4. behavioral control. The manipulator controls the victim's social circle and interests.

If you have experienced domestic violence or violence from another person, you should never blame yourself for what happened. Remember: the longer the pressure, the more the psyche is destroyed. In some cases, the consequences may be irreversible. You need to solve the problem in stages:

1. The first step is awareness: the victim must understand that the guilt and anxiety are imposed by the manipulator.
2. The second step is to seek support. A depressed person needs understanding and sympathy.
3. Third - new life. The victim of violence must minimize communication with the tyrant. If this is not possible, then you need to look at the world from a new angle. A series of meditations and hypnotic procedures will make the mind closed to manipulation.

These are ways to prevent pressure from outside. There are cases when the rapist and the victim are the same person. If you feel depressed, and there are all signs of psychological violence against yourself, it is best to contact for. The specialist will figure out what the reasons for this behavior are and help fix the problem.

Types of psychological abuse

Research is based on a scale of conflict tactics. In her emotional abuse divided into 20 varieties. They are grouped into three groups according to common features:

• dominant behavior;
• jealous behavior;
• verbal aggression.

In addition to these categories, the manifestations of psychological pressure include actions that entail a change in human self-consciousness. These include threats, pet killing, gaslighting, intimidation, destruction of personal items, etc.

Modern science does not consider a single incident as moral violence, since the phenomenon, by definition, is systematic. It can be intentional or unconscious.

Most often, close people influence the consciousness of a person. Children are influenced by their parents and each other. Moral pressure in the family is found everywhere, and its consequences can be eliminated for years.

Causes of emotional abuse in the family

Psychological pressure of family members on each other can arise due to a number of factors. Sometimes one of them becomes the catalyst, and sometimes a combination. The reasons may be:

• mental disorder. Sociopathy, narcissism, schizophrenia and other deviations can push a person to commit manipulations over loved ones;
• cowardice. People with this quality often assert themselves at the expense of others, through humiliation and bullying;
• lack of communication. A person who is unable to clearly express his thoughts breaks down on his interlocutors;
• lack of self-realization. People who have not found themselves in life will strive for power within the family;
• past experience. One spouse who has experienced a painful relationship may unknowingly become a manipulator.

The psychology of the rapist is such that a few violent actions, successfully performed, will strengthen in his mind the idea of ​​\u200b\u200bhis own superiority, which will be difficult to eliminate. If you notice that one of your family members is a manipulator, talk to him. Sometimes a person himself is aware of the problem, but cannot cope with it alone. In this case, you need to contact a specialist, for example, a psychologist-hypnologist Baturin Nikita Valerievich.

The main signs of psychological violence in the family

All signs can be divided into three large groups (forms): dominant behavior, verbal emotional aggression, and others. Each form of violence manifests itself differently. Signs of dominant behavior (on the example of a male manipulator):

• surveillance. It starts with browsing the phone book, mail or messages in social networks. In especially serious cases, it develops into round-the-clock monitoring of every action of the victim;
• communication ban. The manipulator begins to put pressure on the victim, depriving her of the opportunity to contact colleagues, friends and even relatives;
• permanent presence. A man strives not to leave his chosen one for a minute. At the same time, he can be silent or pretend that he is busy with business;
• transfer of duties. Not to be confused with gigolos, as they fall in love with a woman for the sake of obtaining material benefits, and, accordingly, treat her well. This is also manipulation, but it is not violence. Men who shift duties to women behave rudely and defiantly, causing a constant feeling of guilt in the victim;
• limitation of duties. The complete opposite of the previous point. In this case, the manipulator becomes a tyrant, forbidding the victim to do their own thing. Such a woman to stay at home and minimize communication with the outside world.

Signs of verbal emotional aggression:

1. Contempt. Shows up in ridicule appearance, activities, hobbies and religious beliefs of the victim.
2. Criticism. We are talking about a biased assessment of the actions and deeds of a woman. These can be caustic remarks about mental abilities, figures, etc. The statement is often accompanied by insults.
3. Humiliation. Communication only through insults, in any, even everyday situations.
4. Despotism. It is expressed in the arrogant behavior of the manipulator, who, instead of requests, utters only instructions.
5. Threats. Verbal intimidation often involves children, close relatives, or simply important things for the victim. The manipulator threatens to harm them, sometimes threatening to commit suicide.

Psychological violence in the family against a woman, the signs of which belong to the third group (others):

• self-praise. A man objectively or non-objectively exalts himself over his wife;
• need for admiration. The manipulator deliberately flatters the victim in order to get the same praise in his address;
• oppression. Manifested in the provocation of guilt in the victim;
• pressure. The manipulator does everything so that the woman begins to worry and: lies, withholds information, is hypocritical, etc.

Remember that a single instance of the manifestation of a symptom is not psychological abuse of a man or woman. You can talk about emotional pressure if it manifests itself for a long time.

The mechanism of development of psychological violence in the family

Such a phenomenon may go unnoticed for a long time. The initial stage may not be noticed by either the victim or even the rapist himself. This is especially true for young couples who at first live under the influence of strong emotions. After the end of the romantic period, subtle reproaches against each other begin. They can be the starting point for the development of psychological violence, which will progress in stages:

1. Increasing accusations against a partner. The rapist will reproach the victim for doing everything wrong. If such actions are not resisted, the manipulator will perform them until the partner's self-esteem changes for the worse.
2. Active suppression of personality. From accusations to serious statements that will make the victim feel like a complete nonentity and at the same time feel guilty for every action. The partner will be depressed, depressed and defeated, but he will look for the reason only in himself, driving himself more and more into an emotional dead end.
3. At this stage, the victim is firmly convinced that she has failed as a person and as a partner.
4. Scrapped. The final stage, which can last throughout the life of the family. The victim is completely disoriented and unable to soberly assess their own actions, she is completely subordinate to the manipulator.

Manipulation in the family, psychological violence in the interaction of people and other emotional pressure contributes to the development of mental disorders. And mental diseases, in turn, provoke physical ones. An oppressed person can “drown” problems in alcohol, drown them with drugs, or suppress emotional physical pain (cutting, beating himself).

In extreme cases, a depressed person may attempt suicide.

Table of humiliation: problems of psychological pressure in the family

Not always the rapist is to blame for the fact that he humiliates a partner. If you look at the stories of the victims, then in almost every one of them there will be a moment when she lost sight of the “alarm bell”. Sometimes people in life play the role of a victim - this may be due to early mental trauma or experienced shocks. It appears as follows:

• the role of a martyr. She is taken over by a "rapist's rapist" who capitalizes on a toxic relationship by drawing sympathy from close or unfamiliar people;
• sacrificial role after the experience. It manifests itself in those who had a similar experience in childhood or in previous relationships;
• saving role. The victim wants to save the tyrant from the dangers (gambling addiction, drug addiction, joining a sect, etc.).

If the victim meets a tyrant at a critical moment in life (loss of a loved one, loss of a job, accident), and he takes her out of a depressed state for a while, she can ignore violence against herself for a long time. This is due to the fact that the manipulator in her mind will be associated with positive emotions.

Features of confronting emotional violence in the family: how to prevent it

It is quite easy to prevent the phenomenon in the first stages. If the perpetrator is rebuffed, he reflects on his actions and can change the pattern of behavior. The confrontation can be started with:

• self-perception. If the inner "I" is constantly in a depressed state, you need to think;
• direct conversation. At the first stage, when the partner is just starting to show dominant (or other) behavior, you can ask the question “on the forehead”: why does he do this;
• objective assessment of reality. It is necessary to analyze the accusations of the partner and draw conclusions about how well they are argued;
• control over the situation. Tyrannical behavior cannot be left to chance; it will not evaporate. It is better to wait until the partner is in a good mood and talk with him about the problem;
• demonstrating their positive qualities. A spouse who is prone to manipulation in the family and psychological violence needs to be reminded of how much good is in his soul mate. He must feel a person next to him.

What types of psychological abuse do you know? Can you say with confidence that you are not pressured by loved ones? In any case, remember that events develop gradually and very often unnoticed by the victim and the rapist himself. The consequences of such actions can be inevitable. If you encounter this phenomenon, remember that you can always seek help from

Violence in family there is an actual act or threat of physical, sexual, psychological or economic abuse and abuse by one person against another with whom the person has or has had an intimate or other significant relationship.

Characteristics of Domestic Violence (Relationships) :

• With each subsequent time, the frequency of repetition and the degree of cruelty of violence increase.
• Violence and abusive behavior alternate with promises to change and apologies from the offender (or no promises at all).
• When you try to break off relations, there is an increase in danger for the “victim”.
• Domestic violence occurs in all strata and categories of the population, regardless of class, racial, cultural, religious, socio-economic aspects, and is also possible in families of heterosexuals, as well as gays and lesbians.

What are the types of violence?

Physical violence.

1. Pushes.
2. Causes pain through slaps, kicks, and punches.
3. Puts her (wife) at risk, such as not being careful when driving.
4. Throws objects.
5. Threatens with a weapon or injures.
6. Physically prevents her from leaving the house.
7. Outside closes it indoors.
8. Leaves her in dangerous places.
9. Refuses to help when she is sick, injured, or pregnant.
10. Prevents when trying to seek medical help.
11. Doesn't let you sleep at night.
12. Refuses to buy food and other items necessary for the family.
13. Ruins her property.
14. Insults children.
15. Threatens to harm her relatives or friends.

Sexual abuse.

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1. Treats his wife like a sex object.
2. Refrains from sex and does not show tender feelings.
3. Makes her undress against her will.
4. Commits sexual intercourse with particular cruelty.
5. Forces her to have sexual intercourse against her will, rapes her.
6. Forces sexual intercourse after being beaten.
7. Shows extreme jealousy and accuses her of having an affair with someone.
8. Forces you to watch and/or repeat pornographic acts.

Emotional psychological abuse.

1. Constantly criticizes, yells at and/or offends her (for example, saying that she is too fat, skinny, stupid; a very bad mother, partner, lover).
2. Ignores her feelings.
3. Ridicules her beliefs.
4. As punishment, he ignores her tender feelings.
5. Refuses to work and contribute to the family budget.
6. Forbids her to go to work.
7. Manipulates her, using lies and disagreement.
8. Offends her relatives and friends in order to drive them away.
9. Refuses to go out with her.
10. Prevents her from maintaining relationships with relatives and friends.
11. Don't let her use her phone.
12. Controls the family budget and single-handedly makes financial decisions.
13. Humiliates her in public.
14. He follows her at work.
15. Threatens to leave or kick her out of the house.
16. Threatens to kidnap children.
17. Punishes children or does not allow her to children.

economic violence.

Attempts by one adult family member to deprive another of the opportunity to manage the family budget, to have funds and the right to dispose of them at their own discretion, economic pressure on minor children.

Personal experience of a psychologist

If you found at least four matches from the above points, you should think about whether you live with the right person and is it even possible for you to have a future? In this case, to check your doubts, you have the opportunity to visit the site site.

After all, very often, which especially happens with women, we cannot see the whole picture of the relationship, the feelings of love or falling in love that you experience from six months to a year prevent you from realizing what kind of relationship you are in. You see only your feelings and your attitude towards a person. And not docking the relationship of a partner (husband or young man) to you is perceived as grinding to each other. I will tell you seriously, in the above-mentioned period of relations, quarrels should not arise at all. If a person really likes you, he will not find fault, just like you do to him. Grievances and quarrels during this period are an exception. If your friends or relatives are watching the opposite picture, then maybe you will find something similar to your relationship in the diagram below? And draw your own conclusions.

Diagram of psychological abuse.

Psychological violence, unlike physical violence, is characterized by a multi-stage psychological process that neither the victim nor the aggressor may be aware of. Why? Because the victim is absorbed in his feelings for his partner, and for the aggressor such a scheme of manipulation is very familiar and not conscious (because elements of this scheme are present or were present in the relations of his family).

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It all starts with massive attacks on the sense of one's own identity (you do not behave like a woman (man), you are a bad specialist) and ends with what is called "replacement of beliefs."

In fact, further development events will be like a "run" of humiliation and sometimes physical violence.

Effects:

• neurotic partner;
• disorientation in oneself and in relationships (the partner loses the meaning of life);
• a feeling of despair sets in when a person is especially in dire need of support and is ready to grasp at any straw, to believe in anything and anyone.

1. Attack on Identity: You are not what you think you are!
Getting into such a relationship, you are subjected to humiliation by your loved one, aimed at suppressing his self-esteem. This can be expressed in constant dissatisfaction on the part of the “beloved”, constant nit-picking and accusations that something was done wrong. If you notice this sign in your relationship, you should visit the site site!

This pressure is acutely perceived by you, especially during the period of falling in love. Because it is when you are in love that you are most susceptible to change for the sake of your partner. And you do everything in order to please him, or to make him feel good. Being under such attacks for weeks and months (usually up to 5-6 months), they try to bring you to a state of complete exhaustion, loss and disorientation. At this stage, your beliefs about yourself (yourself) become less solid. You gradually lose the ability to think critically and independently. Self-esteem decreases, those patterns or roles that were "hung" by an aggressor partner are taken by you at face value.

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2. Imposing a sense of guilt: feel like a "complete insignificance."
After an identity crisis is formed, you begin to develop an all-consuming sense of guilt. This process can go simultaneously with the first paragraph. For example, a partner begins to blame you for something while questioning your professionalism or other qualities.

The aggressor partner will gradually, consistently, and relentlessly attack you for any "sin" (large or small) you have committed. You are criticized for literally everything, for example, that you served the soup not hot enough. Your consciousness is gradually filled with an all-consuming feeling of guilt: everything you do is bad. Guilt is insidious, because in the later stages it is difficult to work with it, before it's too late, you can write to the psychologist on the site and site. They will help you navigate the next steps with your partner.

3. Betrayal itself: agree that you are "complete insignificance"!
After you are completely disoriented and consumed with guilt, the aggressor partner forces you (by physical threats or just verbally) to disown your families, friends, loved ones. This is done in order to deprive you of any psychological support. If you don’t have it, then the only person who will replace this “help” for you will be your aggressor partner.

There is one detail : renouncing your friends and loved ones, you are well aware that you are acting vilely towards them. This further increases your feelings of guilt and shame. The sense of one's own identity, which is already severely undermined, is fading away. You begin to understand that you need help right now, you need someone who could listen, and this person turns out to be the tyrant himself, who will only blame you for what he did. Try not to give in to your desire to talk to him about your feelings, because the aggressor partner will always use this against you. With the possibility of access to the Internet, on the site site

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4. Breaking point: who am I, where am I, what should I do?

Very many women, turning to the site Vashe-Soznani.ru, very often complain that they do not know where to find themselves, how to start enjoying life again. To the question, what is your relationship with your husband? Very often you can hear the answer that the relationship with her husband has long come to naught, or constant scandals “reign” in the house. It is not surprising that experiencing an identity crisis, a deep sense of guilt and shame, hopelessness, betraying everything you believed in, being subjected to a marathon of humiliation, you reach complete nervous exhaustion. A series of nervous breakdowns sets in. They can be expressed in uncontrollable sobbing, deep depression and complete disorientation. You can stop tracking reality and experience a feeling of complete loneliness and loss.

When you have reached the breaking point, your sense of identity is already quite ready to be "captured" by someone else. You do not have a clear understanding - what is happening to you? At this moment, the aggressor partner can easily inspire you how to live according to his laws. And by the way, you will live his life.

But from internal anxiety you won’t leave, the feeling that life has become not life at all, but a hell inside, will constantly haunt. At this moment, you need urgent psychological help, which we can provide you and gradually extricate from the power of relationships that do not suit you.

This is just a diagram of the behavior of the manipulator. This does not mean that in real relationships everything is exactly the same. This means that periods of psychological attacks on you will be replaced by short periods of "love and affection." During such “affectionate periods”, a partner can behave towards you very well, treat you affectionately and fulfill your desires (of course, in exchange for his own, but later). For you, these periods of "caress" will seem simply magical and huge. This is usually what keeps you from leaving your partner. After all, he can be good!

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As a result, you begin to experience incomprehensible states, their ebb and flow. It's like you're experiencing ongoing pain and guilt from identity attacks (I'm bad and stupid) giving way to unexpected relief from indulgence.

After weeks and months of psychological attacks, confusion, nervous breakdowns and periods of condescension, guilt and shame lose all meaning - you are not sure that you did something wrong - you just feel "wrong". And your partner is playing out his role, he may later point out to you that you are mentally insane, will force you to go to the doctors.

Thus, being a perfectly healthy person, both mentally and physically, you turn into a disabled person.

To become, it would seem, produces a depressing effect. And many of you who got to it think that this is not about them and much of what was described above is simply not confirmed by their reality. I will answer, yes, perhaps everything is “normal” with you now, but such a pattern of behavior of your partner and your reactions is not an every-minute process. You may not notice changes in yourself until years later.

My mission is to warn you and to provide you with psychological help at the stage of psychological humiliation at which you find yourself.

Over a woman occurs quite often. Unfortunately, often the representatives of the weaker sex do not know how to deal with this, and are afraid to tell others about their problem. It is for this reason that they humble themselves, and such a relationship becomes the norm. In our article, you can find out how to recognize domestic violence and where to turn in this case to get help and support from specialists.

Psychological abuse

Psychological violence in the family is the constant use of acts of violence against the emotions and psyche of a person. Recognizing it is easy enough. The main criteria for psychological violence include insults, threats towards a partner, unreasonable criticism and condemnation. Experts believe that the purpose of such behavior is the desire to limit the freedom of another person and underestimate his self-esteem.

As a rule, psychological violence in the family against a woman is accompanied by physical and sexual violence. This type of impact is quite difficult to prove, because there are no abrasions or wounds on the body of the victim. It is for this reason that psychological abuse is the norm in many families.

• The husband humiliates his wife and makes fun of her shortcomings in front of strangers, enjoying it.
• The partner regularly neglects the ideas and opinions of his wife.
• In relation to the victim, sarcasm and insults are used in order to worsen the emotional background.
• Excessive control even in minor matters.
• The victim is convinced of her wrong and unreasonableness.
• The aggressor regularly accuses the woman of disrespect.
• A tyrant never asks for forgiveness.
• A man ignores the interests of his partner.
• The husband avoids discussing problems in the family.
• The victim is always blamed for any troubles and difficulties.
• The emotional aggressor often threatens his victim.
• The wife lives according to the rules set by the husband. Their change or non-fulfillment is not discussed.
• Any rest or personal time is regarded by the tyrant as laziness.
• The representative of the weaker sex feels uncomfortable in the company of her partner.
• The victim is haunted by feelings of depression and humiliation.
• The aggressor is unreasonably jealous of his chosen one for other men, and also controls all financial expenses.

If you notice at least a few of the listed signs in your family, then urgently deal with them and do not hesitate to seek help to solve this problem.

What to do if psychological abuse is present?

Psychological violence in the family against a woman is not uncommon. Experts advise to abandon relationships in which there is an emotional impact. Nevertheless, not every woman is ready to take such a decisive step.
In order to stop psychological abuse in a relationship, it is first necessary to recognize that it is present. It is important to recognize the gravity of the situation as early as possible. It is also worth noting that victims often put up with violence and are afraid to tell friends or professionals about it. In no case do not try to justify the actions of the aggressor, because such an act can cause moral or physical injury further.

If you decide to completely abandon relationships and communication with an emotional aggressor, then in no case do not respond to his requests to return and promises to change character. As a rule, tyrants are hard enough to change. They resort to the usual way of communication a few days after the promises. It is for this reason that one should not turn a blind eye to shortcomings and believe in re-education.

A family social services center can help manage the psychological impact. There you can get not only a lot of valuable advice, but also find out how to properly deal with violence from the aggressor.

Why do men resort to emotional abuse?

Many victims try to find out the reason for the psychological impact of the husband. Often they blame themselves. In this case, emotional abuse in the family over a woman will be repeated more and more often. Psychologists note that the first reason why the aggressor resorts to psychological influence is a trauma received in childhood. Most often, tyrants are people with low self-esteem who were humiliated and not supported at a young age.

Sometimes the aggressors in the future married life are those children who were allowed everything and unreasonably praised. Often, those people who have any personality disorders become tyrants.

What is the erroneous opinion of a woman who is subjected to psychological violence?

In almost all cases, violence on the part of a man against a woman begins long before the wedding. Representatives of the weaker sex believe that they can change the character of the chosen one. Unfortunately, most of the time they are wrong.

Many victims are unaware that violence against women is the norm in the family of the aggressor. Often, girls do not dare to break off relations with the chosen one, because they justify him to themselves. That is why the representatives of the weaker sex prefer not to share their problems with strangers and not to seek support from a victim assistance center.

It is no secret that many women endure not only psychological, but also physical violence in the family, because they are afraid to be alone. And the main reason is a misunderstanding of the manifestations of emotional impact.

Can alcohol cause violence against a wife?

Many victims believe that the alcoholic husband commits violent acts unconsciously. Is it so? You can find out this and much more in our article.
Experts believe that alcoholic drinks reduce the ability to control their actions. However, it cannot be argued that the alcoholic husband acts unconsciously. It is known that many aggressors who got rid of addiction and stopped drinking strong drinks continued to use psychological or physical violence against their chosen one after recovery. Experts say that alcoholism only exacerbates the problem.

Physical violence

Physical violence in the family against a woman occurs as often as psychological. It is believed that this type of exposure is the most common. Such violence is characterized by beating or any other act that harms the health of the victim. It occurs in absolutely all countries. Often women do not resort to any action to stop physical abuse. The reasons for this phenomenon include the reluctance to be left without a chosen one, to become a single mother, as well as dependence on the aggressor.

Where to go for help in case of domestic violence?

You can often hear the well-known phrase: It is by no means possible to live by this principle. If you are being physically or psychologically abused, look for ways to resolve the problem as a matter of urgency. Don't try to put up with her. For support and assistance, you can contact the following authorities: the nearest police station; international center for the protection of women's rights; Family Affairs Department.

In the listed organizations, you will need to write a written application indicating all the details. You can also contact special psychological or training centers. It is there that you can not only get help and become a more determined person, but also learn how to cope with someone else's aggression.

Is it necessary to remove the beatings?

In the event that you do not support the proverb: "He beats, it means he loves" and you want the offender to be punished, then the following information is for you. If you plan to write to your husband, then you must remove the beatings without fail. To do this, you need to go to the emergency room. It is important that doctors not only record abrasions or wounds, but also make a note in the certificate that this was done by a loved one.

Despite the feeling of embarrassment or shame, it is necessary to show all the injuries inflicted. Be sure to make sure that the doctor accurately records the nature of the damage, their location and size. In no case do not say that these injuries arose by chance for domestic reasons. After that, it is almost impossible to prove the guilt of the aggressor.

3 phases of violence

The situation when a husband beats his wife happens in many families. The first phase of violence is tension. Outbreaks of aggression in this case occur infrequently. As a rule, women try to behave calmly in such a situation and smooth out the conflict. Both partners try to justify their actions. This phase can last from a few days to decades. At this stage, women most often seek specialized help.

The third phase of violence is the so-called honeymoon. During this period, the man repents of his deed and fulfills any requests of his wife. This phase does not last long. After it ends, everything repeats again.

sexual abuse

In the family, in addition to physical and psychological, there is also sexual influence. Women who experience domestic violence feel humiliated, weak and worthless. A sign of sexual exposure is coercion to intimacy or humiliation during intercourse. The aggressor becomes a man who feels the superiority of his wife. During intimacy, he tries to prove otherwise. Children are also often subjected to sexual violence. In adulthood, they develop complexes and dislike for men. In most cases, they do not tell anyone about their problem.

Reminder for women

Absolutely any violence can threaten not only the general emotional background of a woman, but also her life. It is known that about 50% of women who enter medical institutions have suffered from violence. Social workers have developed rules that every woman of the weaker sex should know. They recommend having a serious talk with the aggressor when he is in a calm state. It is important not to be afraid and not to hide the injuries inflicted from him. You also need to talk to your neighbors. Ask them to immediately call law enforcement if screams come from your apartment. Just in case, keep documents, money in a separate place, and also think about who can provide temporary shelter in case of aggression from the husband. In no case be afraid and do not be shy. The sooner the victim turns to a specialist for help, the greater the chance that the marriage will be saved. Remember! Any violence leaves an imprint not only on the female, but also on the child's psyche. That is why it is necessary to deal with it at the first manifestations.

Summing up

Almost everyone in the environment has a family in which the husband beats his wife. Unfortunately, many women do not want to talk about their relationship problems with a partner. It is for this reason that domestic violence reaches a critical point. We strongly recommend that you contact a specialist after the first manifestations of aggression from the husband. Be happy!

Shot from the film "Irreversibility"

How does a woman feel with a chemically dependent person (alcoholic, drug addict)? With a player? With a pathological narcissist? With a psychopath? Why doesn't he resist, why doesn't he leave? About this in recent times much has been written. But what if the partner does not drink, does not play in a casino for the last money, never shouts and does not raise a hand at you, but deprives you of will psychologically? How to understand what is happening and be saved? Let's figure it out.

Physical or mental abuse?

Physical abuse is not necessarily sexual coercion or beatings. Keeping a person at home or not letting him back in, taking away keys, phone, documents or money, destroying an item that is dear to him, hacking into personal mail, refusing to call a doctor when he feels bad is also physical violence. Hands and feet become numb, the will weakens. Scaring a person is a great way to "push through" your decision. What is moral abuse? Let's figure it out.

1. Instant switching to cold

2. Pancake Cake: Question Filtering

3. Kaa's Gaze

4. Gaslighting

AT romantic relationship gaslighters use the universal property of falling in love - regression. Are you in love and feel like a little child? So nice to submit to a wise and charismatic friend? Let him do as he sees fit, to dissolve in it - a pleasure? If your man is strong and mature, he will thank you for your trust and will only love you more. If you are dealing with a moral abuser, waking up from love, you will find yourself in a relationship where you decide nothing and where everything is against you if you do not agree with it. And to the question "why is everything so?" He will say: "You yourself wanted this." And he will be right.

5. Blackmail, shame, guilt and seduction

6. "Ignore"

7. He's actually the victim

The semantic core of any violence is the object manipulation of another person. Even wrapped in politeness, seduction or cunning, violence betrays itself according to the main feature - in a relationship you are an object, not a subject, not a person, not a person who has his own feelings and will. And they treat you like an object: they manipulate you functionally, sorting through different techniques, looking for master keys. If you are malleable, use soft tricks. If soft ones are not effective, use pressure. Very often, a partner prone to psychological violence alternates aggression with seduction. As soon as you stop bending, he becomes charming and in a deep velvety voice asks you for reconciliation. You relax, and after a couple of days he again scolds you, drills his eyes and punishes you with silence. Against moral rapists there is only one remedy, but it is enough. You need to know exactly what you want (or do not want) and be able to say it out loud.

You are alone. What to do?

It is not your fault that codependent behavior is associated with fear and shame. You still haven't told anyone how things are going? Its time to begin. Psychologist, girlfriend, codependent therapy group, anonymous online community. You need the opportunity to discuss your experience with those who understand you. So you will be strengthened that your experiences are true. Truth is the only weapon in this fight.
If you read my recommendations with longing, seek the advice of a neurologist. Sometimes mild antidepressants or an anti-anxiety drug are a necessary evil to start the return to yourself. The doctor may recommend natural antidepressants (bananas, dark chocolate) or a fluorescent lamp. Don't neglect it.

You are with him. What to do?

The pause should be comfortable. No need to sadly sit in a corner or lie in a fetal position. After physical activity or proper rest, ask yourself: how do I feel about what happened? What is my personal opinion about what happened? Do I have the right to remain with my opinion despite the fact that N. thinks otherwise?
Never sit alone with a lump of vague feelings in your soul. Discuss the embarrassing episode with people you trust. It has been experimentally proven that the inner experience of a person tends to be loose and heavy while you are alone with him. When you talk about it to someone, it becomes clear.

Master the I-messages - direct statements about what is the actual truth for you in this moment:
I'm not ready to make that decision now, and I don't like the pressure.
I ask you not to bore me with your eyes and answer my question.
I do not agree that this was the case.
I do not like what you are doing and I ask you not to do this to me in the future.

I-messages are a universal antidote for gaslighting, blackmail, pressure. The beauty of I-messages is that, unlike You-messages, they cannot be challenged. If you tell your partner "you're blackmailing me", he replies "you need to treat your paranoia." If you say: what you are doing does not suit me, the space for dispute and manipulation disappears.

Sometimes moral abusers wake up to a clear no, the boundary of their partner. Following this, they become more aware of their own passive aggression and manipulativeness. It is sobering and invigorating. And then your relationship has a chance for an honest dialogue, equal partnership, and maybe even love. In other cases, this does not happen. That's why it is necessary to start stopping a moral abuser only for your own sake, not for his sake and not for the sake of relationships. After all, by and large, we are not responsible for anything but ourselves, and most importantly - We can't change anyone but ourselves.